Month: May 2013

This Week in Recap – 5 Semi-Important Things

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A few things that happened to me this week:

1. My 2 year old apparenetly learned the word dammit and used it in the right context.  As in “Dammit, I spilled my cereal!”  Proud or embarrassed, I can’t decide.

2. 22 more kid days at school.  ‘Nuff said.

3. Celebrated a very low key mother’s day with my little family and got a kick-ass laptop to blog about it.

4. A variety of people lost their jobs at my work on Friday.  Part of me cheered that I still had a job.  The other part of me cried that I was stuck for another year. I’m sure this is a completely normal response, right?

5. For 2 whole days I did not work out, count calories, and ate any damn thing I wanted.  It was blissful, but ready to get back on the saddle tomorrow.

Nothing too exciting here, which is how I like it.

Why I (kinda) hate mother’s day

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“God could not be everywhere, and therefor he made mothers.” ~Rudyard Kipling

I feel like I should start this post with a disclaimer.  We celebrate mother’s day in my household.  I make my husband buy gifts for his mom and I make my kids buy gifts for their “grammy”.  While I don’t actually expect gifts, I do hope that everyone could just be a little nicer, quieter and cleaner just for this one day.  With that being said I am not a very big fan of this holiday, and I’m a mom.

Some might say the reason I don’t really get into mother’s day is that I must not have a very good relationship with my mother.  And that’s the truth, I don’t.  My mom always had other things to worry about, more pressing engagements to attend to, more important life moments to get involved in.  I’m pretty sure I was resented for being born and messing up the life she could have had.  I also wasn’t a very good child, or a very pretty child, or really that extraordinary in any way.  I tended to blend in and shy away from attention while my mom tried her best to shine.  My brothers, all of them, were always closer to her.  Maybe they understood her better than I could.  Maybe she understood them better than she could me.

This is not the part where you feel sorry for me.  Everything that happened to me growing up shaped who I am today.  Sometimes people have personality conflicts, and while we think there is always a bong between a mother and a child that no one can break, it’s not true.  I wasn’t abused, or neglected, or mistreated by my mother.  I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and someone always there to sign a permission slip when I needed.  We simply never found a way to connect and that’s ok.  We were so far opposite that we couldn’t even attract.  Quite honestly, though, all of this is besides the point.

Now, all these experiences with my mom have completely shaped the way I “mother” my two little ones.  I make sure I make them a priority while I still have a semblance of a life.  I try to get interested in the things they are (I can name every Transformer and Thomas character) and share my interests with them.  No matter if it’s been a bad day, good day, frustrating day, relaxing day, there is never a doubt that I love them and they love me.  Being a mother is the thing I am the most proud of and my most important job.  I work very hard to try and be the best mother I can be every day of my kid’s lives.  Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t, but I never stop putting forth the effort.

That brings me, in a very long winded way, to why I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day.  Plain and simple, we should not choose to focus on the work and dedication of mothers on one day during the year.  Mothers should be revered, loved, cherished every day.  Mother’s don’t get a day off, not from the worry, love, guilt, frustration, exhaustion, and stickiness that is parenting.  Not even on mother’s day.

I sometimes feel like giving mothers just a day (or dads just a day, or women and African Americans just a month) it gives us a reason to slack off the rest of the year.  Now, this doesn’t mean that I don’t love the beaded necklace my 4 year old made me, or don’t kinda expect breakfast in bed tomorrow, but why only this day that these things happen?  Then again, I am a crazy mom.  I even bought my kids gifts for tomorrow because frankly, without them, I wouldn’t be celebrating this day at all.

I really do hope everyone who reads this enjoys their mothers day, whether they are a mother or not.  But remember to try, some random day in October, to call your mom (aunt, grandma, caregiver) up just to tell them you appreciate them and love them.  Mother’s day is once a year, but a mother’s love is year round.

Because sometimes you just have to live

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“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein

Tonight I ate about 1000 calories in Mexican food.  Yes, I’m watching my calories.  Yes, I’m trying to eat healthier so I can be around longer for my kids.  But sometimes you just have to live.

I began shopping online for a new laptop.  Mine is on the fritz and it’s been a while since I have made a large purchase.  I really don’t have the money for it.  But sometimes you just to live.

I e-mailed my assistant principal today about a change I’d like to make for next year.  I’m usually not the type to ask for things or even try to change the status quo.  But sometimes you just to live.

I’m drinking wine tonight even though I have to weigh-in for my fitness class tomorrow.  This, on top of my Mexican food, can not be good.  But sometimes you just to live.

It’s almost 11:30 pm on a school night.  I have to be up at 6 am at the latest in order to be ready for work tomorrow.  I’m drinking wine, eating pretzels, and watching reruns of “The Big Bang Theory”. I’m not even close to bed.  But sometimes you just to live.

We don’t have as much time as we think.  We can’t take anything with us.  Living a life where we are sad and wondering about everything doesn’t change anything.

And, sometimes you just have to live.

Quality vs. Quantity

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“The intention to live as long as possible isn’t one of the mind’s best intentions, because quantity isn’t the same as quality.” ~Deepak Chopra

If you were to ask me if there was anything I could change about my parenting I would most definitely rank the need to spend more time with my kids as my number one. Between balancing work, school, and a small social life with family, kid, and husband time I tend to fail, quite a lot. For some reason, wherever I am I tend to want to be some place else. When I’m at work I want to be home with the kids, when I’m home with the kids I want to be out with my friends. When out with my friends I want to spend quality time with the husband (to be fair and honest, I never want to be at work).

I always feel like I never have enough time to devote to any one thing or person. I actually have begun to think of sleep, showering, and other “basic needs” as a “time-suck”. There is so much more I could be doing between the hours of 11pm and 6 am, or in the 20 10 minutes I have to shower. With these restraints, someone is always getting shafted including myself.

I’ve come to realize what I need to start focusing on is quality time vs. quantity time. Some nights I have only an hour or two with the boys before they go to bed. What am I doing with that time? Same old, same old. Wining about how I have to work instead of saying home with the boys (Don’t worry, I see the irony). Yelling, cleaning, and maybe playing or a project. When the boys finally go to bed and I have time with the husband, what am I doing? Playing on the computer and watching something on Netflix. Even if out with my friends, what are we all doing together? The majority of the time is spent complaining about work (and I’m probably the biggest complainer of all!).

I suffer from an egoistic outlook on life, and I’m praying that its not just me. I always assume ill have more time, more patience, more desire down the road at some point. The problem is that I am assuming that there is always going to be a “down the road”. It’s time to face facts. There isn’t.

And it’s not just in the “time” arena that quality and quantity are at odds with each other. This disequilibrium seems to permeate most aspects of my life. I’m paid for 7.05 hours a day at work. Why not try and make those hours count instead of just “getting through the day” as I so often do. Even this blog suffers from it: making weekly goals, trying to change so many aspects of my life in such a short amount of time, always wanting to add more and more and more without really giving anything on the list any semblance of attention in the first place.

I’m not saying I should stop having goals: I love a challenge and thrive on competition, even with myself. I’m simply saying that maybe I need to stop focusing on the “more more more” and start focusing on the “depth” of each of my desires, problems, challenges, fears, relationships, etc.

Maybe with that, this big ball of chaos that is my psyche will finally start to unwind. Maybe not. But trying is always an option. In the simplest terms,  in the most convenient definition, I just need to take a breath and “be”.

In case you missed it: My moments of joy this week

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During May I decided, at the urging of a friend, to come up with a list of ten accomplishments that I could complete during the month of May (see original post here).  One of my challenges is to take a picture everyday in order to document a moment I felt happy.  This will hopefully remind me that no matter how bad a day was, there was a moment of joy.

I have been posting the photos to instagram and twitter, but just in case you missed them, here are my pictures from the last five days.

May 1, 2013

It seems that as the boys get older, they get along less and less.  It was so awesome to actually get a picture of them sitting together happy and smiling (of course, it could have something to do with the donut and ice cream, but that’s beside the point).

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May 2, 2013

It was a beautiful day and we decided to eat lunch outside at school.  There are so many moments during the day that I **think** I hate my job, it was nice to be reminded that maybe, just maybe, I actually like what I do.

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May 3, 2013

Heading home from work on a Friday is always a moment to celebrate, but having it be gorgeous out makes it even better.

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May 4, 2013

My view on Saturday morning while having alone time with the little ones.  It was peaceful and serene and simply wonderful.  It’s moments like these I know I am on the right path.

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May 5, 201

Walking to the park with the family, we came across a yard that hadn’t been mowed in a long time.  Even at 32, I still make wishes on dandelions and even believe they may come true.

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Ctrl+Alt+Delete

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“And we’ll all float on, ok.  And we’ll all float on any way.”  ~Modest Mouse

I don’t know about you, but technology has kind of screwed me.  I now have more instant access to things and waiting, patiently (on not so patiently in my case) has become harder.  I feel as if I want to constantly simplify my life and problems, but not really in a good way.  Somethings not working?  Turn it off and turn it back on.  Hit the restart button.  Push “control-alt-delete”.   Because these techniques usually give wonderful, and instantaneous results, I daydream about using them in my every day life, with “real” problems.  Then I get sad, because I know I can’t.

I sometimes feel like I desperately need to restart.  Some button I could push when I’ve hit a glitch within my life that I really don’t feel like dealing with. It could be a crappy day, or week, or even just an ill timed decision.  Other times, I feel like I want to go back to the beginning, ALLLLLLLLLL the way back, and try again.  Take a different path, change that one choice that I believe, somehow, changed the entire face of my existence.

I, of course, know this is not possible.  I can’t just restart and make a different decision.  There are no do-overs in real life.  I try to teach my kids and students that there are second chances, you always have the opportunity to make a better, or different choice.  But should I be teaching them that?  Is there always another opportunity?  Should I instead be teaching them to live with the consequences, good or bad, of each decision that they make?

Even if that is the case, I don’t know if I could teach that.  I need there to be hope, and dreams, and that wonderful feeling that there is something MORE out there.  I need it in me, and I sure as hell need it in my kids.

I feel as if I have come to a crossroads; the whole Robert Frost fork in the road, which path should I take kind of dilemma.   The time has come for me to either make a change or be content with what I’ve got.  This being in between  pining for both ways is not healthy.  Let’s be real.  The reason I am not making a choice is because without making one, I can’t fail.  I want it all.  I don’t want to make decisions and I definitely don’t want to make the wrong choice.

I saw this postcard on post secret.  The original sender meant this as a message for those being abused to leave their relationships.  But I got a different meaning out of it.

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I think what I saw was a sign as well, but a sign that it is ok to leave mediocrity behind.  It’s ok to leave what I know when I have no clue what the other choices hold.  It’s time for me to take chances, failures be damned.  While my small picture may change, the big picture will still be there, waiting for my next move.

No matter what decision I make the world will still be turning.

10 True Accomplishments in 31 Days

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“As for accomplishments, I just did what I had to do as things came along.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

I tend to spend a lot of my day at school whining.  I don’t mean to, but it just seems to happen that way.  During planning times, when teachers get together, we try to get it all out so that when the little ones come in we can paste on those smiles and dispense with the positive reinforcement and enlightenment needed to teach the future leaders of tomorrow.

During one such whine session a colleague and I were talking about having “real” accomplishments in our lives, things that we are actually doing for ourselves (not out kids, husbands, families) to move our lives in the direction it should be going to fulfill, for lack of a better word, our destiny.  In a nutshell, we know we are meant for more than this.

She gave me a challenge.  Come up with 10 things I can actually accomplish in the next 31 days that will put me closer to goal of simply finding out what I want out of life.  I have to admit, I have really struggled with this list.  I always thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do/be/accomplish, but as it turns out I don’t.  I actually haven’t got a clue.  So much of what I have done over the last 4 or 5 years has focused on other people.  I don’t even now what I want anymore.  The real challenge for me is that these accomplishments need to be specific, and for all purposes, measurable.  No vagueness allowed, which has always been my crutch when I wanted to avoid striving for accomplishments.

After two days I was finally able to come up with a few things.  

  1. Complete a 5K
  2. Make strides to become a better wife.  This month’s goal: Have one “at home” date night per week and two “going out” date nights this month.
  3. Apply for 5 jobs that I would actually go on an interview for, even if I am not completely qualified.
  4. Spend more quality time with my children and really get to know them.  Each child gets one date day/night with just me per week.  I promise, this is for me, not them.
  5. Read three new books this month.
  6. Come up with a savings plan.
  7. Write at least two blog posts this month
  8. By the end of the month, be soda free
  9. Find a new hobby, that I can do without current friends/family (as in something completely for myself)
  10. Take one photo everyday to document a moment that makes me smile.  This will remind me that I was happy at least once a day this month.

I have to admit I actually liked coming up with this list.  It was great to think about what I could actually accomplish.  It is taking all my strength to not just keep adding and adding and adding to this list, but I have to remember this is not the point.  To really have the opportunity to focus on these 10 items will ensure success instead of bogging down my list with a hundred things without a focus and really, without a hope of getting accomplished.

Or at least I hope so.