New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday. There’s nothing quite like waking up the to not only a new day, but a new year, and now even, a new decade. It’s a blank slate, a universal forgiveness, a self declaration of love. And it’s something I look forward to every single year.
A few days ago I wrote a post about some small changes I am going to make in January to better myself. Some are physical, some are mental, some are emotional. I figured I would come back here and eventually write down my resolutions for the year, but I haven’t been able to really get into that mentality. Something seems stuck and it took me a while to figure it out.
I’ve decided to change things up this year. Instead of writing out a list of New Year’s resolutions most of which I will inevitably break, I decided that I’m going to write a list of everything I am going to leave in 2019 and not bring into 2020 with me. And then I’m going to throw that list into the fireplace and watch it burn, leaving behind only ashes and dust. Cleansing me with flames and heat; a reverse baptism, if you will.
There is so much I dwell on. So much I regret. So much I take with me from dad to day that I need to let go. These things are heavy. They are weighing me down. And they take up the spaces that joy and love should be residing.
In the words of Elsa, it’s time to let things go. It’s time to move on. It’s time to really begin to embrace not only who I am, but also who I can become. It’s time for rebirth, renewal, and a little bit of fire.
It’s my last day at home before school starts back up without the kids, so I allowed myself to have a rather lazy morning. I stayed in bed until 9. Got some stuff done around the house. Ate a random breakfast/lunch combination around 11. Worked on a budget for next month, complete with cash envelopes. Binge watched way too much Gilmore Girls while doing all of this. You know, the usual.
I finally decided around 1 to get into the shower because after a week of knots and dry shampoo it was time to wash my hair. As I’m standing there dragging the bamboo comb through my hair, hating how long I know it was going to take to wash my hair, eyeing the amount of hair now in my comb after fighting with the knots, I decided the only logical thing was to grab the scissors from my desk drawer and chop a few inches off.
So I did.
As I shampooed my much shorter hair in the shower, it occurred to me that this haircut could be a mistake. It might look like crap. I have no idea what I am doing. People go to school for this nonsense and here I am hacking away at a pony tail with a pair of scissors that came with my boyfriends tool kit. And then, right as I was yelling at myself for being such a damn fool, I did something I don’t normally do.
I told myself to stop.
There is nothing that can be done about this now, so beating myself up about the choice wasn’t doing anyone any good, especially not me.
I can sit here all day long and regret this decision. I can let it make me sad and depressed. I can berate myself for being so spontaneous and not thinking things through…again. I could do all of these things. And usually I would.
But today I realized that even if I put all this energy into being sad and feeling regret, my hair will still be short. The inches of hair will still be in the trash. Nothing at this point will change that. So why waste the effort and the energy. Time to move on, hope for the best, and if not, invest in more pony tail holders (THANK GOD, it still is long enough to be pulled back).
You know what, though? It doesn’t look that bad. I mean, it needs a few tweaks here and there, but for the most part, I’m pretty happy with it. Just like my life. I realize now, I’m pretty happy where I am in my journey. I just need a few tweaks here and there.
I’m celebrating a nice win at the casino this weekend.
I’m celebrating being with the love of my life after 15 years of questionable marriage.
I’m celebrating that my favorite holiday is in two days and every single one of us can begin anew.
I’m even celebrating the fact that tomorrow is Monday. I’m ready to conquer it all. And I’m serious. I feel ready for whatever the universe throws my way.
2019 is ending and while I gained some weight, had more breakdowns than I care to admit, and I didn’t quite meet any of my goals, this is the year I became myself. I found out who I am. And I kinda like her. I kinda like me.
So, I’m also celebrating me. This year I became a fighter. I became someone that is done being manipulated and guilted. I became brave.
And that, my friends, is more than enough reason to celebrate.
Today I did nothing. Well, maybe not nothing, but not a lot. I had a list of a million things that needed to get done around the house while I’m kid free. But I did maybe three things. I move some presents into piles. I emailed my lawyer about a few things. I balanced the check book.
But that’s it. I did no school work. I did no real cleaning. I didn’t cross anything pertinent off my list.
And. It. Feels. Glorious.
I’m not used to this feeling of happiness when I take the time to relax. Let’s be honest, I very rarely take the time to relax. My days are filled with tasks and data and being productive. But I’m trying to change.
I need to take time to breathe and relax. I need to take time to sit and contemplate and read for pleasure. I need to take time to regain my energy; my positive energy.
Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to use my energy to find myself again.
Usually around this time of year I begin to compose a post that is an ode to my favorite holiday. I. Love. New Years. LOVE. It has always been my favorite since I became a “grownup”. There are the lights and fireworks, being with your loved ones, and of course, the idea that the very next day is a blank slate. A do over. A new beginning and a new chance for anything.
Like I said, usually this post would be about all of that stuff. But not this year.
As I sit here and write, my house is in complete disarray. It is a literal shit show. And for someone who has anxiety related to clutter and crap, this is not good. Two of my kids have been sick. One is under-medicated and annoyed by the very one that only wants to spend time with him. The ear infection/lose tooth kid has been a terror because she’s been getting up before the sun. They all have. Every morning at 5:30. I am on break. Please sleep. Or rather, let me sleep.
And this is why instead of cleaning my house, or writing about love and magic and second chances, I have mandated that everyone lay down for the next hour and nap. I’m not naive enough to think any of them are actually doing it, but the doors are closed and it is quiet for five seconds, so that’s good enough for me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this year and all the goals I made for myself last year…and I didn’t accomplish a single one of them. Don’t get me wrong, I have accomplished a great deal. But just not what I set out to do 12 months ago. I’ve barely run, let alone finished a race. I’ve gone into more debt (hello lawyer fees). I’ve added more stress to my life. I’ve definitely gained weight, because see above.
But I learned how to fight. I learned how to stick up for myself. I learned how to surround myself with people who appreciate those things and say goodbye to the ones who don’t. I’ve complained less. I’ve appreciated more. And while I’m not living my life while working from home in my RV, where I am right now is pretty great.
So, as I sit here with a glass of wine at 12:52 on a Monday afternoon (again, see above), I’ve come to realize that big goals and big resolutions aren’t all they are cracked up to be. Sure, I accomplished far more than I set out to, but still, had I made more manageable goals, maybe I would have gotten even further.
I’ve decided to set 5 goals for myself at the beginning of each month and document them here. That way, not only can I keep myself accountable, I can also hopefully inspire someone to “play” along with me and be my hand holder and cheerleader (and warning giver should I stray).
January Goals
Finish four weeks of Couch to 5K – Running at least 3 times a week. I just spent $215 to sign up for these races, so I better actually do this. I love running. It has helped me through the toughest times of my life. I know it can help me again. Along with this, I’m going to drink less and eat healthy more (just not making it a concrete goal yet)
Go to the gym at least once a week…to actually work out. I know this doesn’t seem like much, but baby steps, y’all. I paid for Merritt for months and never used it. I’ll hopefully update this goal in February, but I need something attainable right now.
Unfollow all toxic people on social media. And by this what I mean is toxic people to me. People that make me feel less than or unworthy. People that complain way too much. People that live negatively and miserably. These people may not be toxic to others, but as someone who feeds into the climate around them, they are definitely toxic to me. While I need to use my phone and social media less to begin with, while I’m on there I need to surround myself with people who inspire and uplift me.
Start each day with a daily gratitude. Each and every day I will pick one thing that I am grateful for and hold on to that idea throughout the day when things get rough.
Decrease my daily phone usage by 10%…and do the same with the kids’ technology. Enough said. I use it too much for stupid shit and I need to learn how to put it down and read or write or cross stitch or something.
I’m definitely ready for these changes. They’ve been a long time coming. I’m ready to make my 39th year the best one of my life.
Grace Before Perfection 