Author: Cassie

Having a moment

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

Today was a day.

Wait. Hold on a second. It really wasn’t. For the most part, it was extremely uneventful. I’m just being extra.

For the most part today was extremely uneventful. We took the puppy for walks and outside time. I “danish parented” when I let Charlotte fill her empty sandbox with water and bubbles. I actually made three meals today instead of finding one to order out for. To be completely honest, I saved my delivery order for wine (cheers!). Everyone got along. No one made their way to time out. I felt like super mom for a moment.

And then…the witching hour (also known as it’s hot this afternoon so we’re all going to meltdown) happened upon us. We’re crate training our puppy so we went out for an hour just so he could get used to us leaving and coming back. I had the brilliant idea of letting the kids play Pokemon Go as we got milkshakes. Everything was fine.

Then something happened with Pokemon Go and Max had a melt down. Charlie was upset because I said she had to use a straw instead of a spoon in the car for her milkshake (mean mom award goes to me). I also bought fries for the kids to share and Charlotte was pissed because they all got an even amount and she didn’t get more than her brothers.

I’m in a mood, but holding it together to make dinner when we get home when the trifecta happens. All within two minutes the following happens: Oliver uses the hose to squirt Max in the face while Max is clearly screaming stop. Samson comes in from peeing outside to immediately pee inside. After I clean that up I go to check on Charlie outside as she is pouring soup into the grass all willy-nilly.

So I got more annoyed. And there may have been some yelling. And then cut to me cutting zucchini for my dinner (no grilled cheese for me) since I am now counting calories again sobbing uncontrollably. Everything annoyed me. Which in turn made me cry harder because I know it shouldn’t annoy me.

Ugh. I hate days like this. And the worst part is that I only get the kids for half time so I feel like I have now “wasted” time with them because I was in a mood.

So at 8:53 at night, when my children should be in bed, but clearly are getting some extra technology time due to mom guilt, I know I have two choices for the the rest of the night. I can continue in this mood and probably wake up like this tomorrow as well. Or I can focus on the moments that were good today: finding new books in the little free library, watching the kiddos run around with the neighbors during impromptu play time, and the lovely wine I have chilling in the kitchen for after bedtime.

Tomorrow is a new day. It will be better. The mama guilt won’t last forever. And I will remind myself constantly that I am only human.

Summer is Different This Year

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

The past few summers have been a shit show. I mean, I’m sure there’s a better way to put it, but why sugar coat it. They were.

There’s the summer three years ago when I sat around every single day trying to find the courage to tell my husband that I was leaving. The amount of stress and exhaustion were enough to kill me…and I’m pretty sure they almost did.

There’s the summer two years ago where I was still scared of doing anything wrong. Anything at all that could make me somehow lose my kids. And the guilt of leaving was still so fresh that I constantly gave in to unhealthy behaviors simply to stay afloat.

Last summer was the worst. Going through the divorce and custody battle caused my anxiety to be at an all time high. I was nervous going anywhere even when I didn’t have the kids because something could go wrong. I couldn’t make one wrong decision or one single misstep because it could come back to bit me in the ass. I actually think I have slight PTSD from my custody/divorce battle. I actually had to turn my email notifications off my phone because hearing the ding reminded me of all the emails from my lawyer and I actually start to shut down.

This is the first summer where I finally feel free. Free to go on vacations with and without the kids. Free to make decisions without constantly worrying about what someone else might think or make an issue of. Free to mention Joe’s name without worrying about the repercussions.

It’s an amazing feeling, but you know what’s funny? It’s almost like a piece of me is missing now. I held on to all that worry, all that anxiety, all that anger for so long, that there is a void. What do I worry about now? What do I think about now? What should I do now?

Luckily, it’s still summer and for the first time in forever I can allow myself to find these answers. I can allow myself to figure out who I am or who I want to be. And most importantly I can actually allow myself to breathe.

Every day I’m struggling.

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

I identified as a teacher, from the first time I set foot into a kindergarten classroom at Towson University in 2003. And now, I am planning on leaving my full time teaching job at the end of the year.

I identified as a mom, from Max’s first breath in 2009. I was there every single day, for every single moment. My kids have never even had a babysitter that wasn’t a relative. And now, while I am still a “full time” mom, I get to see my kids only 50% of the time.

I identified as a runner. But I was running from home. Running from an unhappy marriage. Running from all the daily pain and sorrow I felt. And now I enjoy home, and I cannot get up the motivation to run.

And for the past two and a half years I have identified as a fighter. I have fought for my children. For myself. For fairness and peace of mind. Every single minute of every single day. And now I don’t have to fight anymore.

At 39, I’m struggling to figure out not only who I am, but where I am going. I’m struggling to figure out my place. I’m struggling to figure out the old parts of me I need to keep and those I need to leave behind.

I didn’t expect this. I thought once everything was finalized, everything would magically fall into place. I didn’t think it would fall even further apart. 

I’m not quite sure who I am and what I am doing. Change is exciting. And change is scary. I’m simply hoping to keep moving forward with peace and grace while I figure it all out.

Exhausting.

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

One kid upstairs, sick and asleep in his sisters bed so he can be alone, and with the windows open to make his fever more comfortable. Two kids deep into their 75th hour of technology today because I simply have no more energy to entertain or play.
.
This is the same shirt that I had on last night, though I did manage to take a shower and wash my hair for the first time in 6 days (the hair, not the shower for all of you who are graced with my presence daily).
.
Unscheduled rest day for my Barre Blend workout because I just could not today. I had a someone attached to me every single minute. Hopefully, I can catch up tomorrow. 
.
My house is a disaster area. If you know me at all, you know I hate clutter and tend to be more of a minimalist because of this and I am pretty sure every damn thing we own is out on the floor or on a table. Mostly because I just let the unsick kids go feral today. This includes boxes that were meant for recycling that are now forts and my baby blanket that I received the day I was born pulled out and played with.
.
I literally don’t know what load of laundry we are on for the day. It may be 6. Really. I don’t know. And there’s more. There’s always more.
.
I am exhausted. I am very grateful for every single thing that has given me this life, but this season is hectic, crazy, tiring, and emotional. It’s marathon day after day with no rest in between. 
.
But that’s ok. The house will be cleaned eventually. Kids will stop puking eventually. And I will get some sleep eventually. At least I hope so. Until then, there are filtered selfies to hide the bags under my eyes.

Stress Explosions and Mental Breakdowns

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

It’s been a hot minute since I have written. I write like I tend to address everything in my life…with an all or nothing mentality. So you either get 15 posts from me in a week or none for months.

If you missed my post from last week, you saw that I finally got divorced. It took 896 days (not including the entire year I slept on the couch before actually leaving), thousands (and I mean many thousands) of dollars, and an entire beating to my mental health. That’s not to say that I don’t feel like a stronger person after going through this, I absolutely am. But the hyper focus of constantly fighting someone, fighting for someones, and having to be strategic and concentrated on every move made, every word uttered, every email sent, every dollar spent for two and a half years take its toll. And then to take all of that baggage and stress away, the amount of which was weighing on you every minute of every day for two and a half years, in less than two minutes, has genuine repercussions.

Do you watch Grey’s Anatomy? I used to, until yet another random sibling popped up from out of the blue and then I just couldn’t hang. I always think maybe I’ll try again. But I digress. Anyway, there’s this episode where a boy is fully encased in cement and they are trying to get him out. Long story short, they are about to remove the final piece of cement that has been weighing on his body when Dr. Bailey tells him that there’s a chance that when they remove the final piece of cement, the toxins that have been building up will rush to his heart, which will cause his heart to stop and he’ll stop breathing.

And that’s exactly what happened to me Saturday night.

Not really the not breathing part (aside from the panic attack) but rather the emotional breakdown that comes from having every anguishing problem and emotion that you have had to deal with for 2.5 years just suddenly cease to be a factor in your life.

Thursday after court I came home and chilled on the couch. I watched TV, relaxed, feeling good about myself. Feeling good about my outcome. Feeling good about the direction of my life for the first time in so many years. And then on Friday I noticed the overwhelming fatigue. I couldn’t stay awake. I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay under the blankets and just sleep for a long time. I managed to drop the kids off to school, get to work, and come home and parent, but really it felt more like I was simply going through the motions, or playing a part in a play of someone I was supposed to be.

Saturday morning was much of the same, but by Saturday night I was not in a good place. I’ll spare you all the gory details, but panic attacks, throwing up, fighting with Joe, scary thoughts, all raced into me at one time and I just didn’t know what to do. I thought once the whole ordeal was over I would be happier right away. And I am, I really am. This was the right decision.

But I have never gone past the “no turn around zone” in any of my decisions. The finality and completeness engulfed me in a way that I wasn’t prepared for, because without this gigantic conflict looming over my head, day in and day out, what was I supposed to do with my time? What was I supposed to think about? I was so used to fighting that now I have no idea what I’m supposed to be fighting for…if I’m even supposed to be fighting at all.

On Sunday, my bearings slowly returned and today I feel a lot better. I spent so much time focusing on someones else that I know I neglected myself in the process. I no long have a person to blame for my anger. I no longer have a situation to blame for my emotions. I have no more scapegoats. I have no more reasons to make excuses. For the first time in a long time, I get to focus on me. And as much as I am excited about the process, it’s scary as hell at the same time.

896 days

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

896 days.

After 896 days it is all finally over.
896 days of fighting.
896 days of dealing with lies and betrayal.
896 days of stress and crying.

It’s all over.

In the past 896 days I have changed more than I could ever put into words. I have grown up. I have started fighting for myself. I stopped giving in. I stopped caring about the opinions of others.

And I have never been more proud of myself. Not when I put myself through college and graduate school. Not when I trained for a marathon. Not when I left, what was my “grownup home”, for the last time.

And as I sit here, fresh from court, lounging on my couch in pajamas and eating cold pizza while watching Gossip Girl, I can’t even begin to concentrate on the fact that part of my life has ended. That a door has officially closed. A door I worked so hard to keep open for 15 years.

Today is the beginning of my life. The life that I have created. The life that I have worked for. The life that I deserve.

Watch it burn

/ Cassie / 1 Comment

New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday. There’s nothing quite like waking up the to not only a new day, but a new year, and now even, a new decade. It’s a blank slate, a universal forgiveness, a self declaration of love. And it’s something I look forward to every single year.

A few days ago I wrote a post about some small changes I am going to make in January to better myself. Some are physical, some are mental, some are emotional. I figured I would come back here and eventually write down my resolutions for the year, but I haven’t been able to really get into that mentality. Something seems stuck and it took me a while to figure it out.

I’ve decided to change things up this year. Instead of writing out a list of New Year’s resolutions most of which I will inevitably break, I decided that I’m going to write a list of everything I am going to leave in 2019 and not bring into 2020 with me. And then I’m going to throw that list into the fireplace and watch it burn, leaving behind only ashes and dust. Cleansing me with flames and heat; a reverse baptism, if you will.

There is so much I dwell on. So much I regret. So much I take with me from dad to day that I need to let go. These things are heavy. They are weighing me down. And they take up the spaces that joy and love should be residing.

In the words of Elsa, it’s time to let things go. It’s time to move on. It’s time to really begin to embrace not only who I am, but also who I can become. It’s time for rebirth, renewal, and a little bit of fire.

Just a few tweaks

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

It’s my last day at home before school starts back up without the kids, so I allowed myself to have a rather lazy morning. I stayed in bed until 9. Got some stuff done around the house. Ate a random breakfast/lunch combination around 11. Worked on a budget for next month, complete with cash envelopes. Binge watched way too much Gilmore Girls while doing all of this. You know, the usual.

I finally decided around 1 to get into the shower because after a week of knots and dry shampoo it was time to wash my hair. As I’m standing there dragging the bamboo comb through my hair, hating how long I know it was going to take to wash my hair, eyeing the amount of hair now in my comb after fighting with the knots, I decided the only logical thing was to grab the scissors from my desk drawer and chop a few inches off.

So I did.

As I shampooed my much shorter hair in the shower, it occurred to me that this haircut could be a mistake. It might look like crap. I have no idea what I am doing. People go to school for this nonsense and here I am hacking away at a pony tail with a pair of scissors that came with my boyfriends tool kit. And then, right as I was yelling at myself for being such a damn fool, I did something I don’t normally do.

I told myself to stop.

There is nothing that can be done about this now, so beating myself up about the choice wasn’t doing anyone any good, especially not me.

I can sit here all day long and regret this decision. I can let it make me sad and depressed. I can berate myself for being so spontaneous and not thinking things through…again. I could do all of these things. And usually I would.

But today I realized that even if I put all this energy into being sad and feeling regret, my hair will still be short. The inches of hair will still be in the trash. Nothing at this point will change that. So why waste the effort and the energy. Time to move on, hope for the best, and if not, invest in more pony tail holders (THANK GOD, it still is long enough to be pulled back).

You know what, though? It doesn’t look that bad. I mean, it needs a few tweaks here and there, but for the most part, I’m pretty happy with it. Just like my life. I realize now, I’m pretty happy where I am in my journey. I just need a few tweaks here and there.

Sounds about right.

Celebrating

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

Celebrating.

I’m celebrating a nice win at the casino this weekend.

I’m celebrating being with the love of my life after 15 years of questionable marriage.

I’m celebrating that my favorite holiday is in two days and every single one of us can begin anew.

I’m even celebrating the fact that tomorrow is Monday. I’m ready to conquer it all. And I’m serious. I feel ready for whatever the universe throws my way. 

2019 is ending and while I gained some weight, had more breakdowns than I care to admit, and I didn’t quite meet any of my goals, this is the year I became myself. I found out who I am. And I kinda like her. I kinda like me.

So, I’m also celebrating me. This year I became a fighter. I became someone that is done being manipulated and guilted. I became brave.

And that, my friends, is more than enough reason to celebrate.

Always, always, ALWAYS celebrate yourself.

Nothing

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

Today I did nothing. Well, maybe not nothing, but not a lot. I had a list of a million things that needed to get done around the house while I’m kid free. But I did maybe three things. I move some presents into piles. I emailed my lawyer about a few things. I balanced the check book.

But that’s it. I did no school work. I did no real cleaning. I didn’t cross anything pertinent off my list.

And. It. Feels. Glorious.

I’m not used to this feeling of happiness when I take the time to relax. Let’s be honest, I very rarely take the time to relax. My days are filled with tasks and data and being productive. But I’m trying to change.

I need to take time to breathe and relax. I need to take time to sit and contemplate and read for pleasure. I need to take time to regain my energy; my positive energy.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to use my energy to find myself again.