Author: Cassie

You Can Do Anything for a Minute

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“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer.” ~Albert Camus

You can do anything for a minute. At least that’s what I told Jane to scream at me when I felt like giving up today. And she did. During that the last minute when she yelled at me from the sidelines I felt as if I could have run forever.

I completed my first 5k today. I use the word “completed” instead of ran because I didn’t run the whole thing. To be honest, I didn’t even run half of it and had a pretty embarrassing time for completion. But today I beat the goal I set for myself and that’s all that matters.

Four months ago and 42 pounds ago I wouldn’t have even considered running a 5k. Well, I probably would have considered it, but would have blown it off. In those days I could barely go up a flight of stairs without feeling like I needed a nap. I actually cried a little on the car ride home because I couldn’t believe how far I’ve come. Today I completed a 5k and being able to use the word completed is an accomplishment in itself.

The whole thing lasted under an hour, but during that short amount of time I felt my entire outlook shifting. My motivation is coming back. My desire to continue my journey of healthy eating for myself and my family is rising again from the ashes of last week. I feel like I’ve been catapulted forward ready to take on new challenges because if I can do this, when I never thought it was possible, what else can I do? Today I signed up for my next 5k in September, ready to try again and this time go even faster, longer and harder.

Today I completed my first 5k and though this is a small feat for some, my world will never be the same.

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It’s time to rediscover my love for this city

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“I would never want to live anywhere but Baltimore. You can look far and wide, but you’ll never discover a stranger city with such extreme style. It’s as if every eccentric in the South decided to move north, ran out of gas in Baltimore, and decided to stay.” ~ John Waters

I always thought of Baltimore as the place I was going to live “for now”. The minute I graduated from college I decided to branch out and moved to Charleston, SC. After 9 years, a marriage, two kids and two stints in Charleston, I’m back and settled right outside of the city and I still kind of feel like we’ve gone through a break up and haven’t re-entered “friends territory” yet.

Now, I realize I make fun of Baltimore quite a bit. When you’re from here, it’s ok…but I’ll fight anyone who decided to diss my city. No matter how many times I leave or come back this is always going to be home; the place I seem to gravitate toward without even realizing I’m doing it.

I still keep in touch with some of my Charleston friends through a variety of social media sites. I get jealous when I see them at the beach in March or eating at one of my favorite restaurants. I immediately begin searching for real estate and jobs, seeing these items as signs that we were so much happier there and we should move back immediately. This usually lasts for about two weeks when I finally admit that it’s just not going to happen and this is where I’m “stuck” for the time being.

If I delve further, I realize that my nostalgia about Charleston is not about the people (though I do miss them immensely), it’s the places that I miss the most and the sense of community I felt when living there. I seem to have this idea that there aren’t places I would equally enjoy here. True, there’s no beach, or Poe’s or Bookstore Cafe, but Baltimore has good places too…places I have yet to discover. Restaurants, parks, trails, stores, farmer’s markets etc. are all within reach if I just decide to stop feeling nostalgic over what I used to have and put forth a little effort to see what I could have.

It’s time to go out and become a tourist in my own town and rediscover my love for this crazy, wonderful, kooky, incredible city that I call home and teach my children to love it as much as I know I can.

Now, where to begin?

Where has my motivation gone?

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“People often said motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily.” Zig Zigler

I don’t even have the motivation to write today. I’m trying to do it anyway.

I don’t even have the motivation to exercise today. I’m trying to do it anyway.

I don’t even have the motivation to eat healthy today. I’m trying to do it anyway.

I don’t even have the motivation to __________________. Who am I kidding, I’m not even trying.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m in a funk. I’m in a slump. I don’t even know what I’m doing at this point. I keep trying different things to get me going but they’re not working. I’m eating crap and then I feel like crap. I’m too tired or sore to exercise and then I feel like crap because I didn’t. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of.

I need a pick-me-up. I need a jump start. I need someone to shake me and slap me across the face. I need to reach deep down and remember why I’m doing this…all of this.

Help.

And yet another way I suck as a mom

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“Where would you be without friends? The people to pick you up when you need lifting? We come from homes far from perfect, so you end up almost like siblings to your friends – your chosen family. There’s nothing like a really loyal, dependable, good friend. Nothing.” ~Jennifer Aniston

There comes a time in every parent’s day where you have to admit to your “Yup, today I suck at _________________. ” Usually, for me, it’s that I don’t have enough patience or that I’m not spending enough quality time with the kids. Today, though, it’s different. Today’s it’s about something I feel like I have little control over.

Basically, I need more mommy friends. Somehow when you have children you suddenly have 100 friends…on Facebook and Twitter. People come out of the wood work to be your friend. People you may not have talked to since high school may now be commenting on or liking your status, simply because, now that you both have children, you have something in common, a bond that no one can break. You are both MOMS and that pretty much means you get all the stuff going on with each other without even having to talk or be “in real life” friends.

Parenting is like a club (or if we’re really being honest, like a cult) and you have to really be IN IT to be IN. It’s not something you can fake or buy your way into.

With all that being said I have a ton of mommy friends…on the Internet. In real life, not so much. Which never really bothered me until now. I don’t really see myself as a social person. I tend to not like many people and am very choosy about who I spend my time and energy on. Unfortunately, for me most of my company these days in in the form of the childless. Don’t get me wrong, on most days this is awesome and EXACTLY what I need. Time and space away from my family life and mommy life to just be non-mommy me.

Lately I have been wondering how this is affecting me kids. In the same way that I am not very social, they are very social and need more time to socialize with kids their own age (or at least close to it). I know they get to do it at school, but I’m talking about your average, garden variety play date. I feel bad that they don’t seem to have any friends outside of school. For me, this was the best part of browning up where I did and I don’t want them to miss out simply because I can’t seem to get my shit together.

For a while I thought maybe it’s because my kids are weird (no, really, they are) but now I realize it’s probably me. I have no idea how to put myself out there and make friends of the mom variety. I’m sure I’m constantly being judged in some way (yes, I let my kids pick their own clothes so they usually look like color blind homeless people, yes we tend to spend a lot of time outside so we are usually dirty, yes that IS a non-organic juice box my kid is drinking-points for 100% juice right?).

Am I being judged, or am I doing the judging? Maybe it’s just a little bit of both. Point is, I need to make some more mama friends quick before I simply begin accosting random people on the street and asking them to play. I have a feeling this will be frowned up and not win me any points (or play dates) in the mom community.

Big, huge, colossal

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” Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now.” ~Vivian “Pretty Woman”

Do you know anything about despair? It’s the place where hopes don’t exist. I liken it to walking around a city and the sewer drains are uncapped. If you’re looking, really watching and paying attention, you can avoid them all together. But if not, you fall right in and Lord only knows when you are going to be able to pull yourself out.

Once you are down there, in the pit of despair, two types of people emerge. Person A pulls themselves together climbs up the ladder and emerges, maybe a little dirtier than before, but still intact and ready to face the world.

Person B, on the other hand does quite the opposite. Instead of looking for the ladder they give up, simply lie down, and take a very long nap.

Lately, I’ve felt more like Person B. I’ve been trying to get myself together, but I keep falling apart. It’s been a rough week. I’m not going to go all “Candide” on you, but on a scale of one to ten, it was an 11. I feel like maybe I want to find that ladder, the item that will get me out of despair, but I’m just so tired and don’t have any motivation.

That is, until tonight. That all stops here. Big things are coming. Huge. I’m not sure what they are yet, but they are on the tip of my tongue.

No idea when it’s coming, but you’ll know it when you see it.

This week’s Moments of Joy

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Just a recap on my Moments of Joy this week.

Monday, May 6

Bedtime.  That’s all that needs to be said.

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Tuesday, May 7

Wine. Because sometimes it really does help.

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Wednesday, May 8

A quiet moment of serenity for the little one.  We don’t get many of them around here.

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Thursday, May 9

A “friend” of mine drawing a picture of me and my assistant.  I’m the short one.

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Friday, May 10

The necklace the 4yo made me for Mother’s Day.

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Saturday, May 11

Blogging and The Big Bang Theory on a Saturday night.  Yup, I’m old.

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Sunday, May 12

My Mother’s Day breakfast can’t be beat!

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This Week in Recap – 5 Semi-Important Things

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A few things that happened to me this week:

1. My 2 year old apparenetly learned the word dammit and used it in the right context.  As in “Dammit, I spilled my cereal!”  Proud or embarrassed, I can’t decide.

2. 22 more kid days at school.  ‘Nuff said.

3. Celebrated a very low key mother’s day with my little family and got a kick-ass laptop to blog about it.

4. A variety of people lost their jobs at my work on Friday.  Part of me cheered that I still had a job.  The other part of me cried that I was stuck for another year. I’m sure this is a completely normal response, right?

5. For 2 whole days I did not work out, count calories, and ate any damn thing I wanted.  It was blissful, but ready to get back on the saddle tomorrow.

Nothing too exciting here, which is how I like it.

Why I (kinda) hate mother’s day

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“God could not be everywhere, and therefor he made mothers.” ~Rudyard Kipling

I feel like I should start this post with a disclaimer.  We celebrate mother’s day in my household.  I make my husband buy gifts for his mom and I make my kids buy gifts for their “grammy”.  While I don’t actually expect gifts, I do hope that everyone could just be a little nicer, quieter and cleaner just for this one day.  With that being said I am not a very big fan of this holiday, and I’m a mom.

Some might say the reason I don’t really get into mother’s day is that I must not have a very good relationship with my mother.  And that’s the truth, I don’t.  My mom always had other things to worry about, more pressing engagements to attend to, more important life moments to get involved in.  I’m pretty sure I was resented for being born and messing up the life she could have had.  I also wasn’t a very good child, or a very pretty child, or really that extraordinary in any way.  I tended to blend in and shy away from attention while my mom tried her best to shine.  My brothers, all of them, were always closer to her.  Maybe they understood her better than I could.  Maybe she understood them better than she could me.

This is not the part where you feel sorry for me.  Everything that happened to me growing up shaped who I am today.  Sometimes people have personality conflicts, and while we think there is always a bong between a mother and a child that no one can break, it’s not true.  I wasn’t abused, or neglected, or mistreated by my mother.  I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and someone always there to sign a permission slip when I needed.  We simply never found a way to connect and that’s ok.  We were so far opposite that we couldn’t even attract.  Quite honestly, though, all of this is besides the point.

Now, all these experiences with my mom have completely shaped the way I “mother” my two little ones.  I make sure I make them a priority while I still have a semblance of a life.  I try to get interested in the things they are (I can name every Transformer and Thomas character) and share my interests with them.  No matter if it’s been a bad day, good day, frustrating day, relaxing day, there is never a doubt that I love them and they love me.  Being a mother is the thing I am the most proud of and my most important job.  I work very hard to try and be the best mother I can be every day of my kid’s lives.  Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t, but I never stop putting forth the effort.

That brings me, in a very long winded way, to why I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day.  Plain and simple, we should not choose to focus on the work and dedication of mothers on one day during the year.  Mothers should be revered, loved, cherished every day.  Mother’s don’t get a day off, not from the worry, love, guilt, frustration, exhaustion, and stickiness that is parenting.  Not even on mother’s day.

I sometimes feel like giving mothers just a day (or dads just a day, or women and African Americans just a month) it gives us a reason to slack off the rest of the year.  Now, this doesn’t mean that I don’t love the beaded necklace my 4 year old made me, or don’t kinda expect breakfast in bed tomorrow, but why only this day that these things happen?  Then again, I am a crazy mom.  I even bought my kids gifts for tomorrow because frankly, without them, I wouldn’t be celebrating this day at all.

I really do hope everyone who reads this enjoys their mothers day, whether they are a mother or not.  But remember to try, some random day in October, to call your mom (aunt, grandma, caregiver) up just to tell them you appreciate them and love them.  Mother’s day is once a year, but a mother’s love is year round.

Because sometimes you just have to live

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“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein

Tonight I ate about 1000 calories in Mexican food.  Yes, I’m watching my calories.  Yes, I’m trying to eat healthier so I can be around longer for my kids.  But sometimes you just have to live.

I began shopping online for a new laptop.  Mine is on the fritz and it’s been a while since I have made a large purchase.  I really don’t have the money for it.  But sometimes you just to live.

I e-mailed my assistant principal today about a change I’d like to make for next year.  I’m usually not the type to ask for things or even try to change the status quo.  But sometimes you just to live.

I’m drinking wine tonight even though I have to weigh-in for my fitness class tomorrow.  This, on top of my Mexican food, can not be good.  But sometimes you just to live.

It’s almost 11:30 pm on a school night.  I have to be up at 6 am at the latest in order to be ready for work tomorrow.  I’m drinking wine, eating pretzels, and watching reruns of “The Big Bang Theory”. I’m not even close to bed.  But sometimes you just to live.

We don’t have as much time as we think.  We can’t take anything with us.  Living a life where we are sad and wondering about everything doesn’t change anything.

And, sometimes you just have to live.

Quality vs. Quantity

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“The intention to live as long as possible isn’t one of the mind’s best intentions, because quantity isn’t the same as quality.” ~Deepak Chopra

If you were to ask me if there was anything I could change about my parenting I would most definitely rank the need to spend more time with my kids as my number one. Between balancing work, school, and a small social life with family, kid, and husband time I tend to fail, quite a lot. For some reason, wherever I am I tend to want to be some place else. When I’m at work I want to be home with the kids, when I’m home with the kids I want to be out with my friends. When out with my friends I want to spend quality time with the husband (to be fair and honest, I never want to be at work).

I always feel like I never have enough time to devote to any one thing or person. I actually have begun to think of sleep, showering, and other “basic needs” as a “time-suck”. There is so much more I could be doing between the hours of 11pm and 6 am, or in the 20 10 minutes I have to shower. With these restraints, someone is always getting shafted including myself.

I’ve come to realize what I need to start focusing on is quality time vs. quantity time. Some nights I have only an hour or two with the boys before they go to bed. What am I doing with that time? Same old, same old. Wining about how I have to work instead of saying home with the boys (Don’t worry, I see the irony). Yelling, cleaning, and maybe playing or a project. When the boys finally go to bed and I have time with the husband, what am I doing? Playing on the computer and watching something on Netflix. Even if out with my friends, what are we all doing together? The majority of the time is spent complaining about work (and I’m probably the biggest complainer of all!).

I suffer from an egoistic outlook on life, and I’m praying that its not just me. I always assume ill have more time, more patience, more desire down the road at some point. The problem is that I am assuming that there is always going to be a “down the road”. It’s time to face facts. There isn’t.

And it’s not just in the “time” arena that quality and quantity are at odds with each other. This disequilibrium seems to permeate most aspects of my life. I’m paid for 7.05 hours a day at work. Why not try and make those hours count instead of just “getting through the day” as I so often do. Even this blog suffers from it: making weekly goals, trying to change so many aspects of my life in such a short amount of time, always wanting to add more and more and more without really giving anything on the list any semblance of attention in the first place.

I’m not saying I should stop having goals: I love a challenge and thrive on competition, even with myself. I’m simply saying that maybe I need to stop focusing on the “more more more” and start focusing on the “depth” of each of my desires, problems, challenges, fears, relationships, etc.

Maybe with that, this big ball of chaos that is my psyche will finally start to unwind. Maybe not. But trying is always an option. In the simplest terms,  in the most convenient definition, I just need to take a breath and “be”.