“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorry.  It empties today of its strength.” ~Corrie Ten Boom

I tend to worry…a lot.  Correction: I never really thought of myself as a worrier.  I always thought of myself as a realist.  I simply would think of upcoming scenarios, picture the worst possible thing to happen, and then hope for something better.  I always had this feeling that if I wasn’t worrying about something, karma would have a way to kick me when I’m least expecting it, as if to say “You thought you were safe, sucker!”.

The problem is, so much of what I worry about is way beyond my control.  I worry about all the normal stuff: money, kids, marriage woes and then stuff that is so unimportant: classroom observations, perceptions of others, and the biggest one: the past.  I would worry so much about things that happened in the past or people being mad at me for one thing or another that I literally feared almost every decisions I made, knowing that somehow it was going to be the wrong one.

I never realized how much this really affected my whole outlook until today.  I was driving home from the gym and my mind was wandering.  I had had a pretty good workout, was in a good mood, and was ready to be home and see my boys.  My mind immediately went to that dark place: worry.  I began scanning everything in my mind, trying to figure out what I should be worrying about at this minute because, of course, I should always be worried about something.  And when I couldn’t readily think of something my mind went to the even darker place: fear.  If things were going OK today, they couldn’t last this way for that long.  Something bad is bound to happen and I just have to hunker down and wait for the other shoe to drop.

By why?  Why I am constantly worrying and thinking “bad” things are bound to happen to me?  Do they really or do I simply feel that I am not worthy of “good” things happening.

I always seem to be looking at the world thinking that the grass is greener somewhere else.  What’s wrong with my grass right here?  Sure, it has a few weeds, but some of them are actually pretty.  It just needs a little TLC and some time in order to “get greener”.  But just because there are weeds does not mean I deserve them to be there.  And when there are no weeds, it does not mean more are going to grow.  They may.  They may not.

In a nutshell I know what I have to do.  I need to (wo)man up, stop worrying so much, stop EXPECTING terrible things to happen,  and when they do (because they may) embrace them, fix them, and move on.  I may even have time to read that new book I’ve been wanting to start with all the time I’ll save.

I’ve been back and forth on whether or not to switch my blog over to wordpress from blogger.  I like to design a little more from wordpress, as well as the overall simplicity.  While I realized I’m not a “writer”, I’m hoping to take my blog the next level and really hope to streamline my posts and bring some consistency and an overall theme to my weekly/monthly posts rants.

I found a list saved on my iphone from December of the ways I wanted to change things about myself, my life, my world.  There are so many random things on this list: be a better wife,go to the gym more, run a 5K, get out of debt, start an herb garden, that I am actually laughing as I read it.  It must have been a stream of consciousness list (much like this blog post).  I see that I am accomplishing some of these things slowly but surely, and that is making me a little more motivated.  Other things, though, I feel like I have given up on entirely, or simply forgotten that they were problems that needed addressing.

What really gets me is that this list was the original reason I started my blog; as a way to document the changes I was making for the greater good, whether that greater good was the world, my family, or simply me.  In order to accomplish this I need to be more organized, more focused and more aware.  I’m hoping to come up with weekly themes and chronical the changes I am able to make each week.  I’m hoping to blog AT LEAST once a week, but I’m aiming for more.  Each theme will begin on Monday and end on Sunday and I’ll have some time to reflect what I was able to accomplish, what I can keep doing, and what is just not going to work for me and my family

Without further hesitation, because I know you all are all on the edge of your seats, this weeks theme is: Cut The Crap.  During the week I hope to “Cut the Crap” in a variety of ways.

1. Slowly, but surely, cut out processed foods (crap) for me and the family
2. Stop having such a crappy attitude at home around my husband and kids and at school around my co-workers and “kids”
3. Stop making crappy excuses for things I don’t want to do: going to the gym, cleaning the house, ect.
4. Stop spending money on extraneous crap that I just don’t need: Starbucks coffee, more clothes that won’t fit in a month, eating out.

It seems like a lot, especially in the beginning, but this is all a process and it has to start somewhere.  Anyway, I like a good challenge.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the directionality of my life.  The end of the school year always seems to do that to me.  Or maybe it’s the springtime, I don’t know.  Point is, I have been thinking a lot about the big question of  “Is this it?”.  Half the time I’m ok with this being “my life” for the rest of my life.  They other half of the time I feel completely claustrophobic; thinking what’s the point in going on, if this is really “it”.

A friend recently asked me what I would do with my life if fear, money, daily constructs were not an object.  I easily responded that I would quit my job in order to stay home with the kids and spend more time with , them.  I felt like this was a good answer and one that I truly meant.  She then responded with “That’s what you would do for the kids.  What would you do with YOUR life; for YOU?”  And with the question I became silent, because frankly I have no idea.

Long story short, I have commitment issues.  If you know me, you know that this is true.  I have a very hard time committing to people, even friends.  I’m one of those people who doesn’t have a lot of friends, but has a few very close friends.  A shrink would probably classify this as a “fear of abandonment”; I tend to leave people before they can leave me.  Unfortunately, my commitment issues, or fear of abandonment, is not limited to people.  I tend to quit ideas, hobbies, jobs, and  many other things.  Some may say I just to prefer to be well rounded, but we all know that it a lie.  I’m constantly scared of missing out, or afraid that something better might come along.  Deep down, I know it’s also a fear of failure that makes me quit.  I took four languages in high school and (except for french), I can’t say more than a few words in any of them.  I learned how to knit, but gave up beyond simple scarves.  I learned the violin, clarinet, and flute in one year, but can’t remember much of anything.  I transferred colleges three times and grad school once, thinking there was a better experience somewhere, yet winding up exactly where I started.  Let’s not even count how many houses/apartments I’ve lived in since graduating high school 15 years ago (BTW – it’s 12, not including the 2.5 years I lived in a dorm)

This was a few hours ago, and I am still thinking about this question.  And, honestly, I still have no answers.  Basically, what I have come to accept is that life is short.  Unfortunately, I seem to struggle with the age old questions: should we make the best with what we have or should be simply go all in for what we really want?  And really, when I figure out WHAT I really want,  will I ever have the courage to close my eyes, hold my breath, and jump?