choices

Running for Something

/ Cassie / 2 Comments

“In running, it doesn’t matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, ‘I have finished.’ There is a lot of satisfaction in that.” ~Fred Lebow, New York City Marathon co-founder“

I had a good week-end.  And, truly, it’s been a while since I have been able to say that.  It wasn’t good in the sense that I accomplished a lot, or made substantial contributions to society.  It was good in the sense that I started the week-end happy and ended the week-end happy.  There were no fights, no drama, no big jobs to get through, nothing pressing, making me stressed or unhappy about what the future holds.

I think this also has to do with the fact that my motivation is slowly, but surely, being restored.  I think one of the biggest problems I’ve had in this whole weight loss/getting healthy process is that I am constantly looking outward for motivation – looking for other people to motivate me and get me going – and that is something I need to stop.

I need to keep this thing going, because I know this is a lifelong process.  In order to do that, I have to start believing that my motivation can come from within – that I am capable of motivating myself.  I decide to look back over the past four months and see what I have already accomplished, so I know that I can keep going forward.

1. I have officially lost 42 pounds since January.  I can sit here and rattle on about how this is a big deal, but really, this speaks for itself.

2. I am officially down 3-4 pants sizes.  I can officially fit into shirts that only have one X in front of them as opposed to, well, more than one.

3. While I did not run the whole thing, I completed a 5K, something I never thought I would do.

4. I realized that the things that used to bring me so much comfort, non-healthy food and wine, are still fine…in moderation.  I don’t need them the way I used to think I did.

5. It’s ok to care what I look like and give a damn about my appearance…within reason.  As long as I feel good about myself that’s what matters.  And I have definitely seen an increase in my confidence.  While I don’t seek out the spotlight, I no long try to hide or avoid.

6. This whole process started as a way to get healthy in order to keep up with my kids and be around for them for as long as I could.  While this is still important, it’s not about that anymore.  It’s about me and the things I want to do and acomplish…and this is OK.

This week-end I was so proud of the new decisions I was making.  I’ve begun putting things in perspective to see what I really want in life.  I was shopping at the Gap (again, something I couldn’t do before) when I found a very cute dress that I really wanted to buy.  Once I looked at the price tag ($67) I realized that instead of buying this dress, I could buy the running shoes I wanted.  It hit me then, that running and exercise have become important to me.  Important enough to sacrifice something else in order to be able to keep going. This is probably the biggest deal of all.  It’s no longer that I need to exercise…it’s that I want to.

Exercise has become somewhat of a saving grace.  There were weeks that I would have to get on the scale every day because the weight loss was the reason I was doing all this.  I haven’t been on the scale in two weeks, because I’ve realized it’s not about that anymore.  Exercise gives me time to clear my head and really think.  Something I don’t always get the luxury to do with a full time job and kids.  Even running, which I am NOT good at at all, has become a new goal, something for me to strive towards, something to work for, a new accomplishment waiting for me to conquer.

Because in the end, I may not run hard or fast, but at least I can say that I run.

 

Milestones

/ Cassie / 2 Comments

“Women can’t do everything at the same time, we need to understand milestones in our lives come in segments.” ~Madeleine Albright

Let me start by saying that during the past few weeks I have hated the scale.  It has not been the friend it once was.  Well, in all honestly, it was never really my friend but it had become friendlier in the past few months.

I have no doubt that this has led to my lack of motivation at the gym and unhealthy eating that has consumed my life (and my blog posts) lately.

But today.  Today I reached a milestone I didn’t know I could.

I am officially down 4 pants sizes since mid-January. FOUR!  A size I haven’t been in since college.

And tomorrow, for the first time in probably 10 years, I will be wearing shorts.  OUT. IN. PUBLIC. Not only because they fit, but also because they actually don’t look that bad.  And while some people may not agree with that last statement, for the first time in that long, it’s my opinion that matters, not anyone else’s.

Four pants sizes, 40 some pounds, 6 inches of hair, one 5K, and a new, more positive attitude.

While the scale hasn’t liked me lately, my gym bag is packed and ready for tomorrow morning.

Because sometimes there are better milestones than the changing numbers on the scale.

(Past), Present, and Future

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“The first recipe for happiness is: avoid too lengthy meditations on the past.” ~Andre MauroisI

This post started out in a funny way.  All day I had been thinking about writing something pertaining to my constant focus on the past rather then on the present or future.  As usual, I had trouble starting my post.  I really didn’t know what I wanted to say, or maybe, I knew what I wanted to say, but really had no idea how to say it in a clever way.

So what did I do?  I looked back at past things I wrote trying to find some witty analogy to start with…and it hit me.  I do this constantly when trying to figure out how to solve a problem.  I look to the past hoping that it’s already been solved. That way I don’t actually have to do any work at all.

I seem to have an obsession with the past.  I am always looking back thinking the grass was greener or I was happier then than I am now.  It is really happiness or is it simply nostalgia?  What is it about an event being in the past that makes it seem sweeter or kinder to us than it was before?  For some reason I feel that the present and future can never measure up when, in reality, I’m not really giving them a chance.

What it really boils down to, in the simplest terms, is that I am a giant scaredy cat.  I fear making decisions specifically because I don’t want to be wrong.  I look back at the past and think, “I was happier then so I should do this” or even “I made the wrong decision that time, lets take the other road now.”

I finally got a haircut yesterday after weeks and weeks of saying that I was going to.  Why did it take me so long?  Because I was so scared that once it was done I was going to regret the decision.  Not only was I scared about the amount of regret I would have, but what would other peopler think?  Some people told me not to get my hair cut.  Should I listen to them or do what i want?  I know this is a pretty insignificant example, but if I freak out this much about a hair cut, think about what happens when I have to make real life decisions.

Do I look back to the past and pick decisions based on how receptive they were by my friends and family (and even strangers) and try to repeat the ones that were the most agreeable to others in my life?  Is that why the past is so important to me, because it holds the acceptance of others?

The bigger question is how honest am I being with myself?  Do I make decisions based on what I want, or based on what other people might think about the decisions I am making. I’m constantly joking with one of my friends that I am 32 years old and really don’t have time for drama in my life anymore.  Even as I say those words I realize I am a big, fat hypocrite.  Even when I’m being honest here, I’m not being completely honest.  I have secrets like everyone else.  Things I can’t put in print or even talk about for fear of being judged.

Am I doomed to constantly look towards the past or will I ever be able to just accept my present and future, judgement and all?

Here’s me in the moment.  Judge away.

Photo on 5-27-13 at 9.12 PM

Something…anything

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“This suspense is terrible.  I hope it will last.” ~Oscar Wilde

Did you ever lose that feeling?

You know the feeling I’m talking about…that “looking forward to something” feeling.

To me, that was always the best feeling in the world and it seems to have disappeared.

Even with something as trivial as a television show or a book, the feeling of yearning, wanting, and delayed gratification is always wonderful.  Here’s an example: I always stop watching a television show when the last season is about to air.  I never realized I did it until someone pointed it out.  I thought it was because maybe I got bored with the show and became too busy.  In reality it’s because I wasn’t ready for it to end; I wasn’t ready to have all the answers yet.  I wasn’t ready for the conflict to be resolved.

I have a friend who is single and has a crush on guy that we see at the gym.  I see the way her face lights up when she thinks about the possibilities of seeing him and how excited she gets.  And I get jealous.  Here I am, the girl with the husband and kids, which is what everyone is apparently striving towards, and I’m jealous of my friend who is trying to obtain what I already have.  What I’m really jealous about is the fact that I feel like she still has opportunities; the opportunity for a new love, the opportunity for a stole glance, the opportunity for excitement and the unknown, the opportunity for her path to change.

Maybe I’ve been feeling this void/emptiness/lack of hope because I feel like my path is set.  Things are going well.  And my stress level is low.  Do I really have no complaints or am I just becoming complacent?

Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m not asking for drama.  Just a little spark, a little glitter, a little pow. Something to make me feel special, or even simply to make me feel like I’ve got somewhere to go.

Something to give me a little hope…

It’s time to rediscover my love for this city

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“I would never want to live anywhere but Baltimore. You can look far and wide, but you’ll never discover a stranger city with such extreme style. It’s as if every eccentric in the South decided to move north, ran out of gas in Baltimore, and decided to stay.” ~ John Waters

I always thought of Baltimore as the place I was going to live “for now”. The minute I graduated from college I decided to branch out and moved to Charleston, SC. After 9 years, a marriage, two kids and two stints in Charleston, I’m back and settled right outside of the city and I still kind of feel like we’ve gone through a break up and haven’t re-entered “friends territory” yet.

Now, I realize I make fun of Baltimore quite a bit. When you’re from here, it’s ok…but I’ll fight anyone who decided to diss my city. No matter how many times I leave or come back this is always going to be home; the place I seem to gravitate toward without even realizing I’m doing it.

I still keep in touch with some of my Charleston friends through a variety of social media sites. I get jealous when I see them at the beach in March or eating at one of my favorite restaurants. I immediately begin searching for real estate and jobs, seeing these items as signs that we were so much happier there and we should move back immediately. This usually lasts for about two weeks when I finally admit that it’s just not going to happen and this is where I’m “stuck” for the time being.

If I delve further, I realize that my nostalgia about Charleston is not about the people (though I do miss them immensely), it’s the places that I miss the most and the sense of community I felt when living there. I seem to have this idea that there aren’t places I would equally enjoy here. True, there’s no beach, or Poe’s or Bookstore Cafe, but Baltimore has good places too…places I have yet to discover. Restaurants, parks, trails, stores, farmer’s markets etc. are all within reach if I just decide to stop feeling nostalgic over what I used to have and put forth a little effort to see what I could have.

It’s time to go out and become a tourist in my own town and rediscover my love for this crazy, wonderful, kooky, incredible city that I call home and teach my children to love it as much as I know I can.

Now, where to begin?

Where has my motivation gone?

/ Cassie / 3 Comments

“People often said motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily.” Zig Zigler

I don’t even have the motivation to write today. I’m trying to do it anyway.

I don’t even have the motivation to exercise today. I’m trying to do it anyway.

I don’t even have the motivation to eat healthy today. I’m trying to do it anyway.

I don’t even have the motivation to __________________. Who am I kidding, I’m not even trying.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m in a funk. I’m in a slump. I don’t even know what I’m doing at this point. I keep trying different things to get me going but they’re not working. I’m eating crap and then I feel like crap. I’m too tired or sore to exercise and then I feel like crap because I didn’t. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of.

I need a pick-me-up. I need a jump start. I need someone to shake me and slap me across the face. I need to reach deep down and remember why I’m doing this…all of this.

Help.

Big, huge, colossal

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

” Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now.” ~Vivian “Pretty Woman”

Do you know anything about despair? It’s the place where hopes don’t exist. I liken it to walking around a city and the sewer drains are uncapped. If you’re looking, really watching and paying attention, you can avoid them all together. But if not, you fall right in and Lord only knows when you are going to be able to pull yourself out.

Once you are down there, in the pit of despair, two types of people emerge. Person A pulls themselves together climbs up the ladder and emerges, maybe a little dirtier than before, but still intact and ready to face the world.

Person B, on the other hand does quite the opposite. Instead of looking for the ladder they give up, simply lie down, and take a very long nap.

Lately, I’ve felt more like Person B. I’ve been trying to get myself together, but I keep falling apart. It’s been a rough week. I’m not going to go all “Candide” on you, but on a scale of one to ten, it was an 11. I feel like maybe I want to find that ladder, the item that will get me out of despair, but I’m just so tired and don’t have any motivation.

That is, until tonight. That all stops here. Big things are coming. Huge. I’m not sure what they are yet, but they are on the tip of my tongue.

No idea when it’s coming, but you’ll know it when you see it.

Quality vs. Quantity

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“The intention to live as long as possible isn’t one of the mind’s best intentions, because quantity isn’t the same as quality.” ~Deepak Chopra

If you were to ask me if there was anything I could change about my parenting I would most definitely rank the need to spend more time with my kids as my number one. Between balancing work, school, and a small social life with family, kid, and husband time I tend to fail, quite a lot. For some reason, wherever I am I tend to want to be some place else. When I’m at work I want to be home with the kids, when I’m home with the kids I want to be out with my friends. When out with my friends I want to spend quality time with the husband (to be fair and honest, I never want to be at work).

I always feel like I never have enough time to devote to any one thing or person. I actually have begun to think of sleep, showering, and other “basic needs” as a “time-suck”. There is so much more I could be doing between the hours of 11pm and 6 am, or in the 20 10 minutes I have to shower. With these restraints, someone is always getting shafted including myself.

I’ve come to realize what I need to start focusing on is quality time vs. quantity time. Some nights I have only an hour or two with the boys before they go to bed. What am I doing with that time? Same old, same old. Wining about how I have to work instead of saying home with the boys (Don’t worry, I see the irony). Yelling, cleaning, and maybe playing or a project. When the boys finally go to bed and I have time with the husband, what am I doing? Playing on the computer and watching something on Netflix. Even if out with my friends, what are we all doing together? The majority of the time is spent complaining about work (and I’m probably the biggest complainer of all!).

I suffer from an egoistic outlook on life, and I’m praying that its not just me. I always assume ill have more time, more patience, more desire down the road at some point. The problem is that I am assuming that there is always going to be a “down the road”. It’s time to face facts. There isn’t.

And it’s not just in the “time” arena that quality and quantity are at odds with each other. This disequilibrium seems to permeate most aspects of my life. I’m paid for 7.05 hours a day at work. Why not try and make those hours count instead of just “getting through the day” as I so often do. Even this blog suffers from it: making weekly goals, trying to change so many aspects of my life in such a short amount of time, always wanting to add more and more and more without really giving anything on the list any semblance of attention in the first place.

I’m not saying I should stop having goals: I love a challenge and thrive on competition, even with myself. I’m simply saying that maybe I need to stop focusing on the “more more more” and start focusing on the “depth” of each of my desires, problems, challenges, fears, relationships, etc.

Maybe with that, this big ball of chaos that is my psyche will finally start to unwind. Maybe not. But trying is always an option. In the simplest terms,  in the most convenient definition, I just need to take a breath and “be”.

Ctrl+Alt+Delete

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“And we’ll all float on, ok.  And we’ll all float on any way.”  ~Modest Mouse

I don’t know about you, but technology has kind of screwed me.  I now have more instant access to things and waiting, patiently (on not so patiently in my case) has become harder.  I feel as if I want to constantly simplify my life and problems, but not really in a good way.  Somethings not working?  Turn it off and turn it back on.  Hit the restart button.  Push “control-alt-delete”.   Because these techniques usually give wonderful, and instantaneous results, I daydream about using them in my every day life, with “real” problems.  Then I get sad, because I know I can’t.

I sometimes feel like I desperately need to restart.  Some button I could push when I’ve hit a glitch within my life that I really don’t feel like dealing with. It could be a crappy day, or week, or even just an ill timed decision.  Other times, I feel like I want to go back to the beginning, ALLLLLLLLLL the way back, and try again.  Take a different path, change that one choice that I believe, somehow, changed the entire face of my existence.

I, of course, know this is not possible.  I can’t just restart and make a different decision.  There are no do-overs in real life.  I try to teach my kids and students that there are second chances, you always have the opportunity to make a better, or different choice.  But should I be teaching them that?  Is there always another opportunity?  Should I instead be teaching them to live with the consequences, good or bad, of each decision that they make?

Even if that is the case, I don’t know if I could teach that.  I need there to be hope, and dreams, and that wonderful feeling that there is something MORE out there.  I need it in me, and I sure as hell need it in my kids.

I feel as if I have come to a crossroads; the whole Robert Frost fork in the road, which path should I take kind of dilemma.   The time has come for me to either make a change or be content with what I’ve got.  This being in between  pining for both ways is not healthy.  Let’s be real.  The reason I am not making a choice is because without making one, I can’t fail.  I want it all.  I don’t want to make decisions and I definitely don’t want to make the wrong choice.

I saw this postcard on post secret.  The original sender meant this as a message for those being abused to leave their relationships.  But I got a different meaning out of it.

photo

I think what I saw was a sign as well, but a sign that it is ok to leave mediocrity behind.  It’s ok to leave what I know when I have no clue what the other choices hold.  It’s time for me to take chances, failures be damned.  While my small picture may change, the big picture will still be there, waiting for my next move.

No matter what decision I make the world will still be turning.