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Too Many Posts…I know, but this one is important

/ Cassie / 1 Comment

“A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.” ~Elbert Hubbard

I realize that I may be posting a bit too much, but I can’t help it.  Keeping busy seems to be working and the writing is helping me clear my head and get my jumbled thoughts in some sort of order.  Today was a pretty good day.  I was able to accomplish a lot and I seemed to have a lot of energy.  I am excited to start a new running routine this week, andndo a lot more healthy, whole food eating which I hope helps to keep my energy level up.  I finally feel like I’m ready to begin a new journey and move into a new phase of my life.

I realize, though, that none of this could have been possible without my friends.  I’ve never been a person who had a lot of friends.  I tend to have a few close friends rather than a lot of periphery ones.  It was a tough school year followed by a rough summer and honestly, sometimes I can’t believe I made it out alive.

I tend to push people away.  I always feel like they are going to leave me anyway (yes, I know, fear of abandonment and attachment at the same time), so it’s better if I do the leaving, or really give them a reason to leave.  I also seem to test people by pushing them away and seeing if they come back, and if they do, I know they will be around forever.  Believe me, this is not something that I am proud of.  I realize that it is not healthy and I really am working on it.  It’s hard to switch your thinking from negative to positive and I think sometimes I get daunted by how much effort I have to expend to do so.  Saying the positive things doesn’t take any effort at all, it’s believing it that is the hardest for me.

It’s been quite a humbling experience posting this blog on Facebook and Twitter.  The outpouring of love and support shown to me during this time has been nothing short of amazing and I thank all of you, those who comment or post, but even those who are just reading because that means they are on this journey with me as well.  It makes me realize that if I do fall off the tightrope I have a pretty impressive safety net.

There are certain people, a small handful of the most wonderful people in the world, that I just couldn’t live without (literally). Through it all, even at my most evil, my little group stuck by me.  They always seemed to know what I needed whether it be space, a hug, fun, quiet conversation, time, or even a little bit of insanity.  Details are unimportant and while questions may be asked, answers are never expected.  They know me better than anyone else, even better than myself sometimes, and for that I will always be truly grateful.

To Sara, Jane, Lindsay, and Doe…I love you all more than you know.  Thank you for being you.  I don’t know what I would do without you and I hope I never have to find out.

On a wave of mutilation…

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“Listen, smile, agree.  And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway.” ~Robert Downey Jr.

Last night (or even yesterday in general) was the first day, in quite a while, that I didn’t spend a significant amount of time in tears.  I attribute a lot of this to my friend Sara, who saw what I needed, acted on it and wouldn’t take no for an answer.  It’s hard to find friends like that; the ones who show up without being asked, the ones who are there for everything (even the bad stuff), who have seen you at your worst and are still there in the morning, who tell you what you need to hear even if it isn’t what you want to hear.

After a much needed (and clarifying) night out, I woke up serene and without the familiar pit of despair in my stomach that has been there over the summer.  I was able to breathe.  I was actually ready to face the day.  Now, don’t interpret this as me thinking that all my problems and challenges have disappeared because of a glass of wine, a slice of cheesecake, and a night out with a friend.  I’m not that naive.  All of my issues are still there, but today is the first day in a long time I feel like I might actually be able to face them.

I spent my morning wandering around my empty house.  The kids were with the grandparents, the husband was at class and it was the first time I had truly been alone in a while.  I’m the type of person who likes to be alone, though not necessarily feel alone. As I walked around my completely unorganized and cluttered house, I was thinking about how much I had hoped to accomplish this summer, but never really got around to it for one reason or another.  As usual, I wished there was some way to turn back time, to do it all over and not make the same mistakes again.

Then I though, what a waste of time, sitting around wishing I had used my time more effectively or wishing I had more time.  How often do we all do that; sitting around spending so much time focusing on the past that we are actually forgetting to live right now?  Throughout my life I have spent so much time focusing on things that have happened: wishing I hadn’t spent so much time focusing on people who didn’t share my same feelings, wishing I had started something differently or ended something differently, wishing I hadn’t concentrated on one thing over another. I know I can’t be the only one.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that no matter how much time I have wasted, I still have time left.  And I realize how lucky I am that I can say that. So, instead of constantly dwelling on the things from the past that I would change if I could, it’s time to move forward and put that energy into what I want out of the present and the future.

I have no idea what that is right now, but at least I have a little time to figure it out.

Making a list, checking it twice

/ Cassie / 1 Comment

“I started reading about people of great accomplishment… and it dawned on me suddenly that the person who has the most to do with what happens in your life is you.” ~Benjamin Carson

Last month I decided, at the urging of a friend, to make a list of “real” things that I want to accomplish this month.  I decided to focus on 10 things…10 real things that I could accomplish in 30 days or less.  I thought that maybe if I wrote it down, it would make more more accountable and, therefor, more willing and able to complete the task.

Long story short, I failed.  Some things were easy, some things were hard, and some I plain forgot.  See for yourself:

  1. Complete a 5K   Woohoo!  I did this one and it was awesome!  See my post on it here
  2. Make strides to become a better wife.  This month’s goal: Have one “at home” date night per week and two “going out” date nights this month.  I actually accomplished this task, but I am far from being a better wife, so I’m leaving this one “uncrossed”
  3. Apply for 5 jobs that I would actually go on an interview for, even if I am not completely qualified.  Nope, but mostly because I decided to stick it out with my current job for at least one more year.
  4. Spend more quality time with my children and really get to know them.  Each child gets one date day/night with just me per week.  I promise, this is for me, not them.  Nope.  Just call me Slacker Mom.  I could give you a million excuses, but I won’t.  I just need to do better.
  5. Read three new books this month.  Again, no.  Though somehow I managed to read three books that I’ve already read (hangs head in shame).
  6. Come up with a savings plan.  Kinda, but not really.
  7. Write at least two blog posts this month.  Score!
  8. By the end of the month, be soda free. I am currently sitting here with a diet coke, so this obviously didn’t pan out.
  9. Find a new hobby, that I can do without current friends/family (as in something completely for myself).  Does running count?  Probably not, because, although I didn’t specify, I’m thinking it should be a hobby I actually ENJOY.
  10. Take one photo everyday to document a moment that makes me smile.  This will remind me that I was happy at least once a day this month.  I was going strong for awhile, and then, like most of the other items I forgot.

So there you go.  I accomplished 2 out of 10 things I put forth for May.

Do you think it’s OK to simply recycle the other 8 and try again for June?

Running for Something

/ Cassie / 2 Comments

“In running, it doesn’t matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, ‘I have finished.’ There is a lot of satisfaction in that.” ~Fred Lebow, New York City Marathon co-founder“

I had a good week-end.  And, truly, it’s been a while since I have been able to say that.  It wasn’t good in the sense that I accomplished a lot, or made substantial contributions to society.  It was good in the sense that I started the week-end happy and ended the week-end happy.  There were no fights, no drama, no big jobs to get through, nothing pressing, making me stressed or unhappy about what the future holds.

I think this also has to do with the fact that my motivation is slowly, but surely, being restored.  I think one of the biggest problems I’ve had in this whole weight loss/getting healthy process is that I am constantly looking outward for motivation – looking for other people to motivate me and get me going – and that is something I need to stop.

I need to keep this thing going, because I know this is a lifelong process.  In order to do that, I have to start believing that my motivation can come from within – that I am capable of motivating myself.  I decide to look back over the past four months and see what I have already accomplished, so I know that I can keep going forward.

1. I have officially lost 42 pounds since January.  I can sit here and rattle on about how this is a big deal, but really, this speaks for itself.

2. I am officially down 3-4 pants sizes.  I can officially fit into shirts that only have one X in front of them as opposed to, well, more than one.

3. While I did not run the whole thing, I completed a 5K, something I never thought I would do.

4. I realized that the things that used to bring me so much comfort, non-healthy food and wine, are still fine…in moderation.  I don’t need them the way I used to think I did.

5. It’s ok to care what I look like and give a damn about my appearance…within reason.  As long as I feel good about myself that’s what matters.  And I have definitely seen an increase in my confidence.  While I don’t seek out the spotlight, I no long try to hide or avoid.

6. This whole process started as a way to get healthy in order to keep up with my kids and be around for them for as long as I could.  While this is still important, it’s not about that anymore.  It’s about me and the things I want to do and acomplish…and this is OK.

This week-end I was so proud of the new decisions I was making.  I’ve begun putting things in perspective to see what I really want in life.  I was shopping at the Gap (again, something I couldn’t do before) when I found a very cute dress that I really wanted to buy.  Once I looked at the price tag ($67) I realized that instead of buying this dress, I could buy the running shoes I wanted.  It hit me then, that running and exercise have become important to me.  Important enough to sacrifice something else in order to be able to keep going. This is probably the biggest deal of all.  It’s no longer that I need to exercise…it’s that I want to.

Exercise has become somewhat of a saving grace.  There were weeks that I would have to get on the scale every day because the weight loss was the reason I was doing all this.  I haven’t been on the scale in two weeks, because I’ve realized it’s not about that anymore.  Exercise gives me time to clear my head and really think.  Something I don’t always get the luxury to do with a full time job and kids.  Even running, which I am NOT good at at all, has become a new goal, something for me to strive towards, something to work for, a new accomplishment waiting for me to conquer.

Because in the end, I may not run hard or fast, but at least I can say that I run.

 

Something…anything

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“This suspense is terrible.  I hope it will last.” ~Oscar Wilde

Did you ever lose that feeling?

You know the feeling I’m talking about…that “looking forward to something” feeling.

To me, that was always the best feeling in the world and it seems to have disappeared.

Even with something as trivial as a television show or a book, the feeling of yearning, wanting, and delayed gratification is always wonderful.  Here’s an example: I always stop watching a television show when the last season is about to air.  I never realized I did it until someone pointed it out.  I thought it was because maybe I got bored with the show and became too busy.  In reality it’s because I wasn’t ready for it to end; I wasn’t ready to have all the answers yet.  I wasn’t ready for the conflict to be resolved.

I have a friend who is single and has a crush on guy that we see at the gym.  I see the way her face lights up when she thinks about the possibilities of seeing him and how excited she gets.  And I get jealous.  Here I am, the girl with the husband and kids, which is what everyone is apparently striving towards, and I’m jealous of my friend who is trying to obtain what I already have.  What I’m really jealous about is the fact that I feel like she still has opportunities; the opportunity for a new love, the opportunity for a stole glance, the opportunity for excitement and the unknown, the opportunity for her path to change.

Maybe I’ve been feeling this void/emptiness/lack of hope because I feel like my path is set.  Things are going well.  And my stress level is low.  Do I really have no complaints or am I just becoming complacent?

Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m not asking for drama.  Just a little spark, a little glitter, a little pow. Something to make me feel special, or even simply to make me feel like I’ve got somewhere to go.

Something to give me a little hope…

And yet another way I suck as a mom

/ Cassie / 2 Comments

“Where would you be without friends? The people to pick you up when you need lifting? We come from homes far from perfect, so you end up almost like siblings to your friends – your chosen family. There’s nothing like a really loyal, dependable, good friend. Nothing.” ~Jennifer Aniston

There comes a time in every parent’s day where you have to admit to your “Yup, today I suck at _________________. ” Usually, for me, it’s that I don’t have enough patience or that I’m not spending enough quality time with the kids. Today, though, it’s different. Today’s it’s about something I feel like I have little control over.

Basically, I need more mommy friends. Somehow when you have children you suddenly have 100 friends…on Facebook and Twitter. People come out of the wood work to be your friend. People you may not have talked to since high school may now be commenting on or liking your status, simply because, now that you both have children, you have something in common, a bond that no one can break. You are both MOMS and that pretty much means you get all the stuff going on with each other without even having to talk or be “in real life” friends.

Parenting is like a club (or if we’re really being honest, like a cult) and you have to really be IN IT to be IN. It’s not something you can fake or buy your way into.

With all that being said I have a ton of mommy friends…on the Internet. In real life, not so much. Which never really bothered me until now. I don’t really see myself as a social person. I tend to not like many people and am very choosy about who I spend my time and energy on. Unfortunately, for me most of my company these days in in the form of the childless. Don’t get me wrong, on most days this is awesome and EXACTLY what I need. Time and space away from my family life and mommy life to just be non-mommy me.

Lately I have been wondering how this is affecting me kids. In the same way that I am not very social, they are very social and need more time to socialize with kids their own age (or at least close to it). I know they get to do it at school, but I’m talking about your average, garden variety play date. I feel bad that they don’t seem to have any friends outside of school. For me, this was the best part of browning up where I did and I don’t want them to miss out simply because I can’t seem to get my shit together.

For a while I thought maybe it’s because my kids are weird (no, really, they are) but now I realize it’s probably me. I have no idea how to put myself out there and make friends of the mom variety. I’m sure I’m constantly being judged in some way (yes, I let my kids pick their own clothes so they usually look like color blind homeless people, yes we tend to spend a lot of time outside so we are usually dirty, yes that IS a non-organic juice box my kid is drinking-points for 100% juice right?).

Am I being judged, or am I doing the judging? Maybe it’s just a little bit of both. Point is, I need to make some more mama friends quick before I simply begin accosting random people on the street and asking them to play. I have a feeling this will be frowned up and not win me any points (or play dates) in the mom community.