letting go

Accomplishments

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“Always focus on how far you’ve come, rather than how far you have left to go.” ~Unknown

This has been a good, but trying week.  It’s been the “get back on the horse” week for me.  I’ve been trying to make sure I eat healthy, work out more, get back into my running.  I hadn’t run for almost 2 weeks before Monday.  This week, I wound up running five days and going to the gym once.  My times were dismal to say the least.  My distances were pretty bad as well, not up to what I had been doing at all before my “break”.  I was tired, cranky and sore all week.  On top of all the exercise, my weight wasn’t really moving, which was adding to the cranky.  As it turns out I was eating almost 1000 calories too little each day.  Now, I have to try to figure out what to eat, and when, and how to add lots of good calories, making this ordeal even more stressful.

I know it’s going to get better.  I know I will get used to the early mornings again.  I know I will not always feel this sore and tired as my body gets used to this “abuse”.  I know I will figure out when to eat so I am not so constantly hungry (which means reaching for the closest thing, which usually turns out as something bad for me).

I realized that part of the reason I was feeling “defeated” was the fact that I was, again, concentrating on the negative instead of the positive.  I was focusing on how far I still need go, instead of how far I’ve come.  And honestly, while I haven’t come as far as I like, or as far as I could have because of certain derailments, I’ve come pretty damn far.

Here is a list of things things that have changed, for me, for the better since January.

1. I’ve lost 45 pounds.  I’ve gained a little and lost a little, but bottom line, 45 pounds is amazing.  It’s the size of a four year old.  Whenever I feel down, I look at Max and realize…wow, I lost THAT.

2. I can touch my toes.  Without bending my knees.  For an extended period of time.  Not only that, I can go past my toes and touch the floor.  Awesome doesn’t begin to cover it.

3. I can run a mile.  While it’s a slow (and I mean SLOW) mile, I can run a mile without stopping.  Back in January, I couldn’t even run a minute without feeling winded.  I’m not joking.  I tried Couch to 5K and literally wanted to kill myself after day one.  And now, a whole freaking mile.  And hopefully, in November, a whole 3.1 miles.

4. I changed a very significant number in my weight.  The first number.  Details not needed, but I will never see that number at the beginning of my weight again.  Mark my words.  I won’t.

5. I can now wear shirts with just ONE X in the front.  I know that this means I still have work to do, but for me, this is huge (pun intended).

6. I now get more excited about buying running gear than I do about “regular” clothes.  I love running shoes and I actually buy them for more than just being pretty (though pretty helps).  I don’t care that my tight running pants probably don’t look that great on me.  When I am running in them, I feel great.  And that is really the only thing that is important.

7. I actually like running.  Granted, I kinda don’t like it when I’m in the middle of it, but the feeling I have at the end of running is priceless.  I can’t even describe the feeling (nor do I want to) but it’s better than any feeling I’ve ever had.  Sublime euphoria is an understatement…

8. Not only do I like exercise now (I KNOW!) I also understand the importance of it.  It’s no longer about trying to look pretty or or fit into certain clothes, but it’s about being healthy, being around longer for my boys, and genuinely just feeling good about myself.  It’s been too long since I have felt that way.

9. My confidence has definitely improved.  I no longer hide.  I no longer shy away from conflict.  I am no longer afraid of asking for what I want. I no longer think I don’t deserve good things to happen to me.

10. I’m inspiring others.  People are reading about my journey and following me, and it’s encouraging them to get moving.  And really, that is one of the things that is keeping me going.  Knowing there are people out there who are changing some small aspect of their life because of me, is humbling, heartwarming, and completely encouraging.

I’m sure there are 100 other things I am forgetting, but these are the top 10.  I’m pretty proud of them.

And for the first time, in probably my whole life, I’m pretty proud of myself.

Miles to go in the 100 Mile Challenge: 57.15
Pound to go by January 1st: 25 (haven’t weighed in)

And…of course, there’s this…(January to October)

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Tomorrow: The Land of Mythical Opportunity

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“Yesterday you said tomorrow.” ~Unknown

Today was a rather unusually productive Sunday and I was only about to get about 3 hours of sleep last night.  I finished most of the things done on my “to do” list and I managed to do them without complaining.  And, for a Sunday, I was in a rather good mood.  I don’t know what it is, but I feel almost as good as I did a few weeks ago.  For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel like I needed to put things off until tomorrow when I was bound to feel better, happier, or more energetic.

What is it about the idea of “tomorrow”?  We always know it’s coming, and therefor can always put things (ideas, concerns, activities) off until then.  But when Today becomes Tomorrow, how much of it actually gets completed?  And how much of it just gets put off until the next tomorrow?

I know I’m guilty of this.  Constantly thinking that today is the last day I’m going to (insert vice here). That tomorrow I’ll be able to really assert my willpower or make better choices.  As if Tomorrow is some magical land that we can visit that solves all our problems and helps us become more fulfilled and productive.  The people who we are “supposed” to be live in tomorrow while the people that we “are” live in today.

But for me, I hope this stops…tomorrow.  I’ve made my healthy meals and completed my almost entirely clean eating grocery shopping.  My running clothes are out and ready for the morning.  My lesson plans are done and my school bag is packed and ready to go.  I even bought a fitbit because I really want to take this myself seriously this time.  I know I might falter and fall.  I know I might make mistakes. I know I might give in to temptation.  I’m human after all.  But as long as I get right back on track, without waiting for “tomorrow” to come around I also know that I’ll be ok.

Tomorrow morning I head out for my first run in almost two weeks.  I’m not expecting it to go well.  I’m expecting it to be slow and painful.  But, you know what?  Even though I know that’s how it’s going to be, I’m still excited to go.

I’m in it for the long haul.  There’s no turning back now.

Miles to go in the 100 Mile Challenge: 66.2
Pound to go by January 1st: 25

Now is the time…

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“Now is the time for guts and guile.” ~Elizabeth Taylor

I feel like I should preface this post with saying I haven’t given up.  I realize that I need to say that to myself more than I need to say it to anyone else, but really, I promise, I haven’t given up.  I completed my third 5k on Sunday.  Did I run the whole thing?  Nope.  Did I run a majority of it? Nope.  Did I run some of it?  Yep. And on that day, that was good enough for me.

Have I been running since Sunday?  Nope.  Have I been active at all since Sunday?  Nope.  Have I been eating the best I could over the past couple weeks?  Nope.  I could be doing better.  I should be doing better.  I know how to be doing better.  And yet I’m not.  I’m fucking not.  And I have no excuses whatsoever.  I’m just not.

I could blame this on the excruciating pain that my plantar fasciitis has been causing me.  But really, that’s bull.  Yes, my foot is killing me and at time it just hurts to stand, but what am I doing to make it better?  Am I doing the stretches I should be doing?  No.  Am I doing anything to help or prevent the pain at all besides taking some tylenol?  No.

I could blame the fact that it’s because I’m trying to spend more time with my family, but that’s bull too.  I am trying to spend more time with them, but I need to realize it’s quality over quantity and if I’m not all there and my mind is someplace else anyway, what’s the point.

I could blame it on the fact that I’ve been a little depressed lately.  New birth control plus a return of insomnia does not a happy person make.

And you’d think identifying the problem would be enough to get my butt into action.  But nope.  Not me.  Instead I complain.  And yell.  And act sullen.  You know, the mature 33 year old thing to do.  I’ve done such a good job my whole life putting all the blame on other people that I’ve seemingly let myself off the hook.

But not anymore.  It is time to take charge.  I ordered some anti-steroid cream and a night brace.  I will do my stretches twice a day and ice my foot twice a day.  I will make time, quality time, to spend with my family, while also leaving time for me.  I will stop making excuses. Bad decisions are exactly that…decisions.  I have no one to blame for all of the ones I have made, except myself.  I can continue to dwell on them or I reflect, learn, move on and hope I don’t make the same ones again.

I will stop complaining.  I will get back on track.  I will get through this.  I have come too far to give up now.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 33.8
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 8.2 pounds

Playing it safe…

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“Waiting is painful.  Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” ~Paulo Coelho

It’s funny.  I feel like I should write, but I’m not quite sure what to write about.  Sometimes I don’t even know that I’m thinking certain thoughts until they spill out onto the page as I type.  I finished my third 5K today and, to me, that is a pretty big accomplishment.  But still, I don’t know if that is what I want to write about.  I’m at a point where I don’t know if the problem is that I have nothing in my head or everything.

What I do know is that I’m tired of waiting.  But even then, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for.  A sign?  Something that tells me what direction I take at the fork in the road.  I’m always looking for something to tell me which direction to choose or which path to take: a certain time on a clock, finding a heads up penny, even my horoscope at times (ironically enough, my horoscope today tells me that if I have a particular issue on my mind, I shouldn’t wait for a better moment to get it out into the open). I feel like I am always at a “fork in the road”.  Each decision has it’s own set of benefits and consequences and really, you can’t know what they are until you make the decision.  So I spend time debating and agonizing and worrying so much that I create more problems and situations than there actually are.

I think one of my problems is that I don’t take enough risks and tend to not put myself “out there” as much as I could or should.  I tend to play it safe, thinking that if I don’t make a choice or a move either a. someone will make it for me, or b. nothing happens and I am no worse off than I was before.  Plus, what happens if I do put myself out there and it turns out to be the wrong decision or a mistake?  Or even worse, I am somehow rejected?  Sometimes I feel like my fragile ego just won’t be able to handle it.

I tend to write all these posts about how I need to jump in, make grand gestures, simply make choices and decisions, and yet that’s all they are…words on a page.  I don’t actually DO any of that.  I write about doing it, but never take action.  It all sounds so amazing and profound when I write it down and for a while I actually contemplate taking action, real action, within my life.  And then I get scared. And the worst part?  The really worst part?  Is that I am a giant hypocrite.  I tend to judge people for not following through when they complain about the direction of their life and yet I do the same thing.

At what point will I allow myself to make the first phone call, take the first step, or tell someone what I really want instead of going along with someone else’s plans?  At what point will I allow myself to walk away from situations instead of clinging to a hope that maybe, one day, it will get better?  At what point will I just DO SOMETHING instead of standing still?

At what point will I allow myself to jump, knowing that it’s just as likely that I land on my feet unscathed as it is I break my legs?

42 Days.

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“I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it. That explains the trouble that I’m always in” ~ Alice in Wonderland

42 days.  In the same breath it feels like tomorrow and far away all at once.  In 42 days I am running the Color Run in Baltimore and my goal is to run the whole thing.  But in order to do that, I need to get serious.  And lately, it doesn’t feel like I have been at all, at least not about running and exercise, or even my life in general.

I guess, in a way, you can say that I’ve been back sliding.  The worst part is, I saw it coming and honestly did nothing to stop it.  I KNOW what I am supposed to do in certain situations, yet I tend to make the complete opposite choice.  I could have kept going, could have pushed through and gone running even on the days when I was tired, but I was preoccupied with other things.  Things that were, frankly, not as important. I wish I knew why I did it.  But I don’t, and I have to stop thinking that if I concentrate hard enough I can change the past.

It’s hard sometimes, to find that motivation that we seek to keep going.  I look on Pinterest for a quote to get me going, or seek advice from  friend.  But sometimes it just doesn’t work. What I really need, sometimes, is someone to just tell me to stop looking behind, only look forward, and get off my ass and go.  Sure I’ll be tired, sure it will hurt, but the way I’ll feel when I accomplish what I want will erase all of that immediately.  For the past two weeks I haven’t run a lot because my foot hurts.  But what happened to the weeks I was doing it before?  I’m sure my foot hurt then as well, but why am I letting myself use it as an excuse now?  I mean, really, if I look deep down inside, I know why.  But frankly, I just don’t want to face it.

I’ve come so far, since January, since summer, that I don’t want to wind up back there again.  And yet, I’m letting myself gradually slink and slide back that way?  And for what?  Why is this so hard?  I guess, if it were easy, everyone would be doing it.

I wish I didn’t need to look outside of myself so often for some form of validation, but even at the ripe old age of 32, I still do.  Hell, half the time I still feel like a teenager, worrying that everyone is starting at me, or talking about me, etc.  I know even my friends judge, because I know I’m guilty of it too, which makes it so hard to just be ME sometimes. I think the saddest thing is that I know who I am , I really do, but I have yet to feel like I can be truly MYSELF around anyone.

This morning, I had this moment (more like 2 hours) of just pure bliss.  As I was heading downtown with the sun shining, music blaring, windows down, I just felt sublimely happy; the way I was feeling a few weeks ago.  I was heading to pick up my race packet for a 5K a friend and I are doing tomorrow and just thinking about doing the race made me happy.  I don’t know what it is about running that is making me so euphoric, especially when I am basically just walking really fast (yup, I’m that slow), but why do I let myself get away from that feeling?  Why do I let myself stop?  Why I am looking for a quick burst of happiness from some other arena instead of concentrating on this?

This goes back to my previous post too, about the not half-assing my life anymore.  I’ve looked up how to train, I’ve looked up what I need to do to help (not cure) my plantar fasciitis, but yet I don’t do it.  Deep down, no matter what I do, I feel like I am still that lazy girl who wants to just sit in the comfy chair and daydream about things that will never be, plan – but not do, and basically take the easy way out.  And the sad thing is that I am letting myself and letting the people around me let me do it!

I don’t want to be that girl anymore.  I don’t want to be that girl from last winter who could barely climb a flight of stairs without feeling like I was going to die.  I don’t want to be that girl from the spring that put work before herself and her family.  I don’t want to be that girl from the summer who basically couldn’t think for herself and do what she knew needed to be done.

I know what I want to be.  I just feel like I have no way to get there.

Short ramblings on no topic at all

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“But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all?  And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?” ~ Pompeii

I decided to get out of the house and get some work done today.  At home I have the best of intentions of doing things while the boys are napping…but they never get done.  I decide to read or watch TV…or do anything else other than work.  I knew if I actually wanted to accomplish something before the week started, leaving was the only way to do that.

As I sat at the Barnes and Noble I thought back to the last time I was here trying to get a little clarity.  It was the beginning of August and basically the eye of the storm for my summer.  It’s amazing to me how much has changed in under 2 months.  How much I broke apart and how much I have been put back together.  The same things that feel like they just happened yesterday also feel like they happened a year ago.  It’s almost unfathomable, sometimes, how much can change over the course of a month, a week, even a day.  That basically one minute of time can alter the rest of your course.  How one moment or word can put you on a completely different path.

I’m learning how to accept these monumental changes and try and move along with them gracefully.  I tend to take comfort in the known.  I re-watch the same movies and TV shows and read the same books, not only because I like them but also because I enjoy the predictability of knowing what is going to happen, and with that, knowing the feelings I am going to have ahead of time.  That’s not to say I don’t like change…I do…as long as I am the one who gets to initiate and/or control it.

I wonder how many different things I have been missing out on simply because I don’t close my eyes and jump into the unknown?  Of course, my fear is that it could turn out to be the worst decision of my life.

But…it could also turn out very, very good.

So Jump

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“If she’s amazing she won’t be easy.  If she’s easy she won’t be amazing.  If she’s worth it you won’t give up.  If you give up you’re not worthy.  Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you’ve just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ~Bob Marley

To say that this week has been crazy would be an understatement.   I haven’t been running since Tuesday.  My foot is killing me and I am trying to rest it as much as possible and try it out again Monday morning and see how it feels.  But, you know what?  I think this is one of the best things to happen to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually like being injured or the shooting pains in my foot.  But I knew that running was giving me some sort of endorphin-filled high.  Which made me want to run…a lot.  I probably have even been running too much, hence the pain in my foot.  I was worried that if I stopped running that my happiness would begin to disappear and that running was the only thing making me happy.

But it wasn’t.  I’m still happy even though I haven’t run or even worked out in the last three days.  My good mood seems here to stay, at least for a little while.  I’m starting to learn things little by little and that seems to be helping me change my outlook and perspective and keep me happier.

I’m learning that it’s OK to take a break if I need it.  I’m at the place where I know that a small break does not mean I have quit or give up.

I’m learning that it’s OK to stress about things…as long as you don’t let the stress over take you.  I’m letting myself feel the full weight of a situation for five minutes, handling it, and then moving on.  Worrying doesn’t help anything or change the situation, so why bother.

I’m learning that I know what’s best for me.  I love that I have a support system of friends and family who are there for me and want to help.  And I listen to their advice because they love me and want me to be the best person I can. But in the end, my decisions are my decisions and while they may not understand why I’m making one, they don’t have to.

I’m learning that friends may be people who tell you the truth, even when you don’t want to hear it, but they also will never intentionally try to pull you down. They won’t base their happiness and worth on your down fall.  Don’t ever let anyone dull your sparkle and all that…

I’m learning that not all bad decisions are “bad decisions”.  Decisions are choices, plain and simple, and what defines them as bad is how you see the outcome.  As long as you can live with the consequence of the decision you are making, and as long as it doesn’t intentionally hurt anyone, is it really a bad decision?

I’m learning it’s OK to be a little weird.  And to accept my weirdness and revel in it.  That one thing you think is weird, might be the one thing someone else falls in love with.

I’m learning that it’s OK to feel any emotion I am feeling.  Hurt, happiness, betrayal, love, sadness, longing, anger, giddy…there is a reason for each and every one of them.

I’m also learning that while it’s OK to feel any emotion you want, you need to be careful who you are sharing them with.  Don’t share them with people who will be reckless with them or judge.  While it’s OK to feel every emotion, not everything needs to be shared.

I’m learning that it’s OK to keep things to myself.  To keep me to myself.  Self-preservation is sometimes all we have.

And finally, I’m learning that sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith.

So jump.

It could have been worse. It could always be worse.

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“There’s nothing wrong or evil about having a bad day.  There’s everything wrong with making others have it with you.” ~Neil Cavuto

Today was not a good day.  It wasn’t a bad day either, really, just not a good day.  It all began at 1:30 am with a kid in my bed. After a few restless hours of sleep, my alarm went off at 4:45 telling me to get my butt out of bed and go running.  I was all for staying in bed for another hour, but I got up, got dressed and headed out the door.  I don’t know if it was the fact that it was actually cold in the morning, or the aching feeling in my left foot, or the fact that I was dead tired, but I just wasn’t feeling it.  After a mile, I decided to go home, do some stretching, and simply relax before work.

I thought maybe my mood would elevate at work, but no such luck.  We are starting a new reading curriculum so I have no idea what I am doing and I hate feeling disorganized and unprepared.  The kids were so off the wall that I actually looked up when the next full moon was because I was so convinced that there had to be a celestial reason for them being so crazy.

Basically, I was tired and cranky for the majority of the day.  I did perk up a little at aqua jog, but even when I returned home, I simply wasn’t feeling it…whatever “it” is.  I started to get slumpy and grumpy and really just sad.  Things have been going so well lately and I have been feeling great.  I didn’t want to lose this wonderful feeling.  I started to stress about the possibility of heading back down hill which made me feel even sadder.

And then I remembered that it’s ok to have a bad day.  It’s ok to feel like this once in a while.  And no matter what I do, it’s going to happen.  It’s how I handle my mood that is going to determine the day I have tomorrow.  Am I going to give in, and simply feel like I’m destined to be sad and depressed or am I going to leave today at today and wake up with a renewed determination tomorrow?

Either way, it’s a choice.  And I know which one I’ll choose.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 19
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 6 pounds

(Un)Broken

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“Until you’re broken, you don’t know what you’re made of.  It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever.” ~Unknown

I saw the above quote on Pinterest the other day and it really spoke to me.  I’ve been pinning a lot of motivational quotes lately in order to help keep me on my path, but this is the best one I have seen.  I know I’ve mentioned or at least allude to the fact that I’ve had issues in the past with depression.  At the end of the last school year another wave of it him me, culminating when my dad died.  I tried to hold it together in a variety of ways, but due to other circumstances as well, by August I was quite literally broken.  There was no up or down, whole or half, only pieces that I was quite sure I would never be able to put back together.

But guess what?  I did.  I accomplished something I didn’t think was possible.  It started slowly, when the only differences I could see were mere subtleties changing in my daily life; crying less, sleeping more, smiling occasionally. And now, while not completely whole, I am far more together than before I broke completely.  I am happier, have more energy, and don’t let the small things upset me as much anymore.  I still have work to do and a long road ahead of me (don’t we all), but I’m not afraid of the challenge of living anymore.  As a matter of fact, it’s just the opposite.  I’m excited for anything that may be coming down the road.  And while I still get sad and weepy occasionally (don’t we all) I no longer feel that I’m fighting a losing battle.

And then the running happened.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not really running, I’m simply trodding along at an obscenely slow pace until I feel like I am going to die.  Then I stop for a few minutes until I think I can go again.  The whole process repeats until it’s it’s time to get ready for work.  And for some reason, it’s working for me. And on Wednesday I accomplished my first real running goal.  For the first time ever in my entire life, I ran a whole mile.  I couldn’t believe it (I still can’t).  I know to many people it’s not a lot, but to me it is huge.  It’s something I thought was impossible until it wasn’t anymore.

I took two days off and then decided to try the track today to take advantage of the gorgeous weather we are having in Baltimore.  I wound up walking for most of the time.  I tried running, but it just wasn’t coming today.  I had too many things on my mind, my stride was off, my foot was killing me (I have plantar fasciitis), and I just felt not all there.  But, instead of just quitting and saying I’ll try again tomorrow I trudged through and wound up completing 2.6 miles.

Honestly, the distance isn’t the big deal for me.  It’s the fact that I didn’t let myself quit.  I tend to quit (or try to quit) so many things in my life when the going gets tough or things don’t go my way.  I never really fight for anything and, as I’m learning, there are always things worth fighting for. You may not be able to fight for anything in the past, but you can fight for the future.

So now, instead of quitting, I am fighting for something.  I am fighting for me.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 16
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 4.2 pounds

The Warm September of My Years

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“You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford

Oh, September, how I’ve missed you.  The other evening while I was driving around I smelled a fire which, in my mind, signifies that fall is finally approaching.  It reminded me that no matter how I’m feeling through all of the yesterdays that I won’t always feel like this.  Summer was a long and bumpy road this year and honestly, except for the fact that I’d love to not be working, I’m so happy that it’s over.  I’m ready to move on and move forward and put certain aspects of the past behind me, just as the summer moves into fall.

I look back on the list of things I wanted to accomplish and see that I actually did make progress during August…a month I didn’t think I would be able to accomplish anything. I made it to the gym (though not really in the last two weeks), I found schools for both Oliver and Max, I’ve spent a lot of quality time with both kids, I’ve read books both new and old, I’ve pretty much cut all soda out of my diet, and I worked hard to get my classroom set up and ready for the new school year.  It’s nice to see that I was able to accomplish some of the goals I set forth.

Now that September is here I feel a renewed sense of purpose.  I’m beginning to become excited for the changes that may come my way.  I feel like I’m ready for challenges again instead of slinking away from them.  I’m ready to build back up things that have remained broken for so long.

It’s time to get back to work and back to realizing that I am worth the trouble, time, and dedication.

I’m no longer afraid of failing.  I’m more afraid of not trying.