love

Playing it safe…

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“Waiting is painful.  Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” ~Paulo Coelho

It’s funny.  I feel like I should write, but I’m not quite sure what to write about.  Sometimes I don’t even know that I’m thinking certain thoughts until they spill out onto the page as I type.  I finished my third 5K today and, to me, that is a pretty big accomplishment.  But still, I don’t know if that is what I want to write about.  I’m at a point where I don’t know if the problem is that I have nothing in my head or everything.

What I do know is that I’m tired of waiting.  But even then, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for.  A sign?  Something that tells me what direction I take at the fork in the road.  I’m always looking for something to tell me which direction to choose or which path to take: a certain time on a clock, finding a heads up penny, even my horoscope at times (ironically enough, my horoscope today tells me that if I have a particular issue on my mind, I shouldn’t wait for a better moment to get it out into the open). I feel like I am always at a “fork in the road”.  Each decision has it’s own set of benefits and consequences and really, you can’t know what they are until you make the decision.  So I spend time debating and agonizing and worrying so much that I create more problems and situations than there actually are.

I think one of my problems is that I don’t take enough risks and tend to not put myself “out there” as much as I could or should.  I tend to play it safe, thinking that if I don’t make a choice or a move either a. someone will make it for me, or b. nothing happens and I am no worse off than I was before.  Plus, what happens if I do put myself out there and it turns out to be the wrong decision or a mistake?  Or even worse, I am somehow rejected?  Sometimes I feel like my fragile ego just won’t be able to handle it.

I tend to write all these posts about how I need to jump in, make grand gestures, simply make choices and decisions, and yet that’s all they are…words on a page.  I don’t actually DO any of that.  I write about doing it, but never take action.  It all sounds so amazing and profound when I write it down and for a while I actually contemplate taking action, real action, within my life.  And then I get scared. And the worst part?  The really worst part?  Is that I am a giant hypocrite.  I tend to judge people for not following through when they complain about the direction of their life and yet I do the same thing.

At what point will I allow myself to make the first phone call, take the first step, or tell someone what I really want instead of going along with someone else’s plans?  At what point will I allow myself to walk away from situations instead of clinging to a hope that maybe, one day, it will get better?  At what point will I just DO SOMETHING instead of standing still?

At what point will I allow myself to jump, knowing that it’s just as likely that I land on my feet unscathed as it is I break my legs?

Short ramblings on no topic at all

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“But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all?  And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?” ~ Pompeii

I decided to get out of the house and get some work done today.  At home I have the best of intentions of doing things while the boys are napping…but they never get done.  I decide to read or watch TV…or do anything else other than work.  I knew if I actually wanted to accomplish something before the week started, leaving was the only way to do that.

As I sat at the Barnes and Noble I thought back to the last time I was here trying to get a little clarity.  It was the beginning of August and basically the eye of the storm for my summer.  It’s amazing to me how much has changed in under 2 months.  How much I broke apart and how much I have been put back together.  The same things that feel like they just happened yesterday also feel like they happened a year ago.  It’s almost unfathomable, sometimes, how much can change over the course of a month, a week, even a day.  That basically one minute of time can alter the rest of your course.  How one moment or word can put you on a completely different path.

I’m learning how to accept these monumental changes and try and move along with them gracefully.  I tend to take comfort in the known.  I re-watch the same movies and TV shows and read the same books, not only because I like them but also because I enjoy the predictability of knowing what is going to happen, and with that, knowing the feelings I am going to have ahead of time.  That’s not to say I don’t like change…I do…as long as I am the one who gets to initiate and/or control it.

I wonder how many different things I have been missing out on simply because I don’t close my eyes and jump into the unknown?  Of course, my fear is that it could turn out to be the worst decision of my life.

But…it could also turn out very, very good.

So Jump

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“If she’s amazing she won’t be easy.  If she’s easy she won’t be amazing.  If she’s worth it you won’t give up.  If you give up you’re not worthy.  Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you’ve just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ~Bob Marley

To say that this week has been crazy would be an understatement.   I haven’t been running since Tuesday.  My foot is killing me and I am trying to rest it as much as possible and try it out again Monday morning and see how it feels.  But, you know what?  I think this is one of the best things to happen to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually like being injured or the shooting pains in my foot.  But I knew that running was giving me some sort of endorphin-filled high.  Which made me want to run…a lot.  I probably have even been running too much, hence the pain in my foot.  I was worried that if I stopped running that my happiness would begin to disappear and that running was the only thing making me happy.

But it wasn’t.  I’m still happy even though I haven’t run or even worked out in the last three days.  My good mood seems here to stay, at least for a little while.  I’m starting to learn things little by little and that seems to be helping me change my outlook and perspective and keep me happier.

I’m learning that it’s OK to take a break if I need it.  I’m at the place where I know that a small break does not mean I have quit or give up.

I’m learning that it’s OK to stress about things…as long as you don’t let the stress over take you.  I’m letting myself feel the full weight of a situation for five minutes, handling it, and then moving on.  Worrying doesn’t help anything or change the situation, so why bother.

I’m learning that I know what’s best for me.  I love that I have a support system of friends and family who are there for me and want to help.  And I listen to their advice because they love me and want me to be the best person I can. But in the end, my decisions are my decisions and while they may not understand why I’m making one, they don’t have to.

I’m learning that friends may be people who tell you the truth, even when you don’t want to hear it, but they also will never intentionally try to pull you down. They won’t base their happiness and worth on your down fall.  Don’t ever let anyone dull your sparkle and all that…

I’m learning that not all bad decisions are “bad decisions”.  Decisions are choices, plain and simple, and what defines them as bad is how you see the outcome.  As long as you can live with the consequence of the decision you are making, and as long as it doesn’t intentionally hurt anyone, is it really a bad decision?

I’m learning it’s OK to be a little weird.  And to accept my weirdness and revel in it.  That one thing you think is weird, might be the one thing someone else falls in love with.

I’m learning that it’s OK to feel any emotion I am feeling.  Hurt, happiness, betrayal, love, sadness, longing, anger, giddy…there is a reason for each and every one of them.

I’m also learning that while it’s OK to feel any emotion you want, you need to be careful who you are sharing them with.  Don’t share them with people who will be reckless with them or judge.  While it’s OK to feel every emotion, not everything needs to be shared.

I’m learning that it’s OK to keep things to myself.  To keep me to myself.  Self-preservation is sometimes all we have.

And finally, I’m learning that sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith.

So jump.

It’s time to stop half-assing my life

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“The difference between try and triumph is a little umph.”  ~Author Unknown

One word: accomplished.  That’s how I have been feeling lately.  I can’t believe that in three weeks I have actually met a quarter of my 100 mile challenge goal.   25 miles may not be a lot for some (hell, marathoners do more than that in just one day), but to me it is a big deal.  There has been an overwhelming response to my 100 mile challenge.  It’s exciting and flattering to know that I am helping motivate people to become healthier and hopefully happier.

But, the kicker is (I hope you’re sitting down), that I am a giant fraud.  Allow me to explain.  Yes, I have made the choice to be a happier person.  Yes, I have begun running and clocking my miles as a way to keep me motivated.  Yes, I’m trying to eat better and live a healthier lifestyle.  But really…

I feel like I am the queen of the half-assedness.  I make all the plans and have all these ideas and never really follow through on anything.  I can’t really think of one aspect of my life where I am giving 100% right now and that thought saddens me. The worst part is that while I’m not giving my 100%, I’m expecting 100% from everyone and everything else. I’m doing the running thing, but am I really challenging myself enough?  Am I trying to improve and actually become a “runner” or am I trying simply to just get it done in the quickest time possible?  I’m eating healthier, when it’s convenient.  When I’m too tired to cook or clean, take out it is.  I care about the environment and try to recycle when I can, unless it’s too much work.  Even within my friendships I am not giving my full amount of effort that I could give, yet am demanding that people give me 100%.

I really need to put more effort into things and give 100% in my job, in my home life, in my relationships, and to myself.

Because really, if you’re only going to do something half way you might as well save the energy and not do it at all.

Fear and (self) loathing

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“Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is because you’re stupid and make bad choices.”

I tend to be over analytical in most aspects of my life.  I weigh pros and cons before making decisions.  Each choice I engage in tends to be calculated and the safest, most restrained, choice usually wins out.  It’s all very responsible.

Until it’s not.  Because, let’s face it.  There are always those choices that we make that seem to express the sentiment “What the Fuck?”  I mean, I know at least for me, I can physically see myself making the wrong choice and I do absolutely nothing to stop it.  I somehow assume that THIS TIME things will be different.  THIS TIME it will work out for the better rather than for the worst.

And you know what?  It never does.  I make this decision that I KNOW is the wrong one.  I KNOW nothing good will come of it.  And I do it anyway.  And then do you know what happens?  I go into a fit of depressive self loathing.

Why the hell is it that I can get my butt up almost every morning at 4:45 am to run before teaching elementary school children in East Baltimore but can’t stop myself eating that one food, drinking that one drink, sending that one text, saying that one thought?  Does it all come down to willpower? Or is it something else?

I really have improved in so many areas over the course of just the few weeks I have been running.  I am happier.  I have more confidence, I am working towards fixing things that need to be fixed.  I love the way my life is going…and yet…I still can’t stop myself from doing certain things I know will hurt me in the long run (FYI: I am not a drug addict, secret cutter, alcoholic, or anything else lifetime made a movie about).  What am I missing?  What else can I do?  I need to make better choices, even if I don’t want to at the time.

End teenage-girl-though-I’m-really-32 rant.

(Un)Broken

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“Until you’re broken, you don’t know what you’re made of.  It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever.” ~Unknown

I saw the above quote on Pinterest the other day and it really spoke to me.  I’ve been pinning a lot of motivational quotes lately in order to help keep me on my path, but this is the best one I have seen.  I know I’ve mentioned or at least allude to the fact that I’ve had issues in the past with depression.  At the end of the last school year another wave of it him me, culminating when my dad died.  I tried to hold it together in a variety of ways, but due to other circumstances as well, by August I was quite literally broken.  There was no up or down, whole or half, only pieces that I was quite sure I would never be able to put back together.

But guess what?  I did.  I accomplished something I didn’t think was possible.  It started slowly, when the only differences I could see were mere subtleties changing in my daily life; crying less, sleeping more, smiling occasionally. And now, while not completely whole, I am far more together than before I broke completely.  I am happier, have more energy, and don’t let the small things upset me as much anymore.  I still have work to do and a long road ahead of me (don’t we all), but I’m not afraid of the challenge of living anymore.  As a matter of fact, it’s just the opposite.  I’m excited for anything that may be coming down the road.  And while I still get sad and weepy occasionally (don’t we all) I no longer feel that I’m fighting a losing battle.

And then the running happened.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not really running, I’m simply trodding along at an obscenely slow pace until I feel like I am going to die.  Then I stop for a few minutes until I think I can go again.  The whole process repeats until it’s it’s time to get ready for work.  And for some reason, it’s working for me. And on Wednesday I accomplished my first real running goal.  For the first time ever in my entire life, I ran a whole mile.  I couldn’t believe it (I still can’t).  I know to many people it’s not a lot, but to me it is huge.  It’s something I thought was impossible until it wasn’t anymore.

I took two days off and then decided to try the track today to take advantage of the gorgeous weather we are having in Baltimore.  I wound up walking for most of the time.  I tried running, but it just wasn’t coming today.  I had too many things on my mind, my stride was off, my foot was killing me (I have plantar fasciitis), and I just felt not all there.  But, instead of just quitting and saying I’ll try again tomorrow I trudged through and wound up completing 2.6 miles.

Honestly, the distance isn’t the big deal for me.  It’s the fact that I didn’t let myself quit.  I tend to quit (or try to quit) so many things in my life when the going gets tough or things don’t go my way.  I never really fight for anything and, as I’m learning, there are always things worth fighting for. You may not be able to fight for anything in the past, but you can fight for the future.

So now, instead of quitting, I am fighting for something.  I am fighting for me.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 16
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 4.2 pounds

The Warm September of My Years

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“You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford

Oh, September, how I’ve missed you.  The other evening while I was driving around I smelled a fire which, in my mind, signifies that fall is finally approaching.  It reminded me that no matter how I’m feeling through all of the yesterdays that I won’t always feel like this.  Summer was a long and bumpy road this year and honestly, except for the fact that I’d love to not be working, I’m so happy that it’s over.  I’m ready to move on and move forward and put certain aspects of the past behind me, just as the summer moves into fall.

I look back on the list of things I wanted to accomplish and see that I actually did make progress during August…a month I didn’t think I would be able to accomplish anything. I made it to the gym (though not really in the last two weeks), I found schools for both Oliver and Max, I’ve spent a lot of quality time with both kids, I’ve read books both new and old, I’ve pretty much cut all soda out of my diet, and I worked hard to get my classroom set up and ready for the new school year.  It’s nice to see that I was able to accomplish some of the goals I set forth.

Now that September is here I feel a renewed sense of purpose.  I’m beginning to become excited for the changes that may come my way.  I feel like I’m ready for challenges again instead of slinking away from them.  I’m ready to build back up things that have remained broken for so long.

It’s time to get back to work and back to realizing that I am worth the trouble, time, and dedication.

I’m no longer afraid of failing.  I’m more afraid of not trying.

The first step is admitting you have a problem…

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“Selfish persons are incapable of loving other, but they are not capable of loving themselves either.” ~Erich Fromm

I’ve never considered myself s a selfish person.  Actually, to be honest, I tended to be more of a “woe is me” or “nothing good ever happens to me” type of person.  So many things have been happening recently that were really making me feel sorry for myself.  I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get what I wanted and everyone couldn’t cater to me just this once because I never seem to get what I want.  It took me a while (until today in fact) for me to realize that this really stems from the fact that I am selfish and want everything my way.  And, in reality, get mad and pissed off and downright spiteful when I don’t. I get it, I’m a slow learner.  But at the moment that this realization hit me, tears began streaming down my face.  I never wanted to be seen as selfish and looking back and analyzing my actions over the past few weeks/months, I couldn’t believe how terrible a person I was to people I truly care about.

Maybe I’ve been selfish my whole life.  I don’t know.  I think it stems mostly from not ever really being able to think about myself growing up because there was always someone else I needed to be taking care of.  Looking back though, especially recently, I have been selfish in past and current relationship and hurt people I really care just because I took my own feelings and desires into account before theirs.  I know that there is no consolation I can give that would make it better.  For that, I am truly sorry.

I haven’t been fair, and within that, I haven’t been kind.  In fact, I’ve been down right mean sometimes.  I couldn’t understand why people just couldn’t give me what I wanted and why we couldn’t just want the same thing.  I haven’t been generous, mostly with honesty and my emotions.  I’ve let people down because what I wanted and what they wanted were two separate things, or maybe, they were the same things but just unattainable at the time.

With my actions and my attitude lately, I’ve made it so easy for people to walk away, and then I sit there and blame them and hate them for doing just that.  It’s not fair that I expected everyone to be OK with doing what I wanted and what I needed and not expecting anyone to get hurt.  In fact, by trying to ensure that I didn’t get hurt, I hurt others which, in the end, wound up hurting me far more than I ever could have imagined.

I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t.  I wish I could go back in time; days, weeks, months, years down the road and change one minuscule detail so that everyone could be on a happier track…but I can’t.  The only things I can hope for is to learn from my mistakes and hope that I can avoid hurting anyone else to the best of my ability.

Of course, I’m talking about everyone, no one, and a select few all at the same time.  Chance are, though, I’m talking to you.  And I’m so sorry I wasn’t a better person…the person you deserve.

Too Many Posts…I know, but this one is important

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“A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.” ~Elbert Hubbard

I realize that I may be posting a bit too much, but I can’t help it.  Keeping busy seems to be working and the writing is helping me clear my head and get my jumbled thoughts in some sort of order.  Today was a pretty good day.  I was able to accomplish a lot and I seemed to have a lot of energy.  I am excited to start a new running routine this week, andndo a lot more healthy, whole food eating which I hope helps to keep my energy level up.  I finally feel like I’m ready to begin a new journey and move into a new phase of my life.

I realize, though, that none of this could have been possible without my friends.  I’ve never been a person who had a lot of friends.  I tend to have a few close friends rather than a lot of periphery ones.  It was a tough school year followed by a rough summer and honestly, sometimes I can’t believe I made it out alive.

I tend to push people away.  I always feel like they are going to leave me anyway (yes, I know, fear of abandonment and attachment at the same time), so it’s better if I do the leaving, or really give them a reason to leave.  I also seem to test people by pushing them away and seeing if they come back, and if they do, I know they will be around forever.  Believe me, this is not something that I am proud of.  I realize that it is not healthy and I really am working on it.  It’s hard to switch your thinking from negative to positive and I think sometimes I get daunted by how much effort I have to expend to do so.  Saying the positive things doesn’t take any effort at all, it’s believing it that is the hardest for me.

It’s been quite a humbling experience posting this blog on Facebook and Twitter.  The outpouring of love and support shown to me during this time has been nothing short of amazing and I thank all of you, those who comment or post, but even those who are just reading because that means they are on this journey with me as well.  It makes me realize that if I do fall off the tightrope I have a pretty impressive safety net.

There are certain people, a small handful of the most wonderful people in the world, that I just couldn’t live without (literally). Through it all, even at my most evil, my little group stuck by me.  They always seemed to know what I needed whether it be space, a hug, fun, quiet conversation, time, or even a little bit of insanity.  Details are unimportant and while questions may be asked, answers are never expected.  They know me better than anyone else, even better than myself sometimes, and for that I will always be truly grateful.

To Sara, Jane, Lindsay, and Doe…I love you all more than you know.  Thank you for being you.  I don’t know what I would do without you and I hope I never have to find out.