motivation

Starting Over

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

Don’t call it a comeback…

I’ve started going to the gym before work again.  On Monday when my alarm went off I immediately turned it off, rolled over, and went right back to sleep…just as I had done the last two weeks.  But after 5 minutes of laying there I knew I had to get up and go.  And I actually did.  I was so proud of myself for getting up on Monday that I was able to easily rise out of bed today.  Fingers are crossed for tomorrow and the rest of the week.

I’d forgotten how much better I felt during the day when I worked out in the morning. I feel calmer (though it’s probably just that I’m tired) and more focused.  I’m able to tone my anxiety down quicker and compartmentalize better (This is a school worry.  You are home with the kids.  Stop thinking about this).  And this is just after 2 days.

But 2 days seems to be the most I can do these days.  Usually by day 3 I convince myself I need a “break” and the one morning off turns into a week or more.

It’s amazing how much easier it was to work out when I was unhappy.  When it was hard to be at home or spend time with Mike I would always find time to take a break at the gym.  When my dad died and I spiraled into my summer of self destruction, running was the thing that was able to pull my back to the surface long enough to take a breath.

But now, bed and home are my safety nets.  I like being here.  It’s cozy and warm and far away from the anxieties of a bad marriage and an overly stressful job.  It’s hard to get up and go.  It’s hard to leave the place where I feel the safest.

But I’ve done it twice this week.  I managed to get myself up and go, even when I did it alone.  So I can do it again, I know I can.

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I think I can’t

/ Cassie / 1 Comment

After two long months of injury, I’ve started running again.  Every morning when my alarm wakes me up at the ungodly hour of 4:30 am, I throw on my running clothes and head out the door…and it sucks.  Not just in a way that all running sucks, but in a very real, painful, and depressing way.

My shin and my knee is still killing me.  And because of that I’m running all kinds of crazy causing other muscles to hurt.  My pace time is abysmal…and I don’t mean in the “I run a 13 minute mile, I’m so slow” way, but in an actual “people walk faster than I run” way.  And it’s killing me inside.

I don’t know if it’s the extra stress I have going on at work or simply the extra street I have going on at home (or maybe it’s a combination of both), but I can’t seem to get motivated to go any faster or do anymore.  I literally plod on and on and on praying that I get finished the run soon.

Yes, I feel great after.  Yes, I feel accomplished.  But the before and during are worse than they were when I first started.

And to top it off, I have a hard marathon in 10 weeks and I and scared out of my fucking mind.  I’m already having anxiety attacks about it and it’s 2.5 months away. I don’t think I can do this.  I will be nowhere near ready.  I am going to fail.  And it’s going to suck.  Big time.

I hate this feeling of inadequacy.  I hate the lack of self confidence I have.

But I hate more that I’m pretty sure I’m right about this.

I’m feeling it.

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“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Do you know what I love?

  • Running
  • My kids
  • My absolutely amazing friends
  • Super spicy food
  • Old school Project Runway
  • Salt and Vinegar potato chips
  • The color pink
  • Jeans
  • My crazy, curly hair
  • My house
  • The “greeness” of spring
  • Recycling
  • Men in suits
  • Glasses
  • Champagne
  • Scoop neck shirts
  • The scent of Vanilla
  • Cozy blankets
  • The kiddos in my class
  • Reading
  • Black and white photography
  • Twinkle lights
  • Peonies and hydrangeas
  • My iPhone
  • Quotes
  • Feta
  • Hard wood floors
  • Trivial Pursuit

And so many other things.  Being happier seems to agree with me. I think I’ll keep going.

 

 

Maybe I can

/ Cassie / 1 Comment

“If it is important to you, you will find a way.  If not, you will find an excuse.”

I haven’t written in a while because things around here have been crazy busy.  With snow days, Max’s new round of IEP meetings, my last formal observation of the year, and professional development classes I feel like I can barely get my head above water.  With all that said, things haven’t been all bad and stressful.  I’ve still been running, trying (my hardest) to eat healthy, and curb those tendencies I have to completely freak out and run away from the world.

Two weeks ago a couple of amazing things happened, both big and small.  Beginning with the big: I completely ran my first 5k!  My last race was in November, so I guess you could consider this a “come back” race.  My time was amazingly slow, but that didn’t matter.  I didn’t come in last, and I ran the whole thing.  And no matter how much my legs hurt (in the quest for beer and a bathroom I forgot to stretch), I woke up Tuesday morning and finished three miles.  It’s nice knowing that this is becoming a “thing” for me now, a habit that I am not willing to break, something I need to do.  My times are still slow and they may never get better, but I don’t care.  That’s not what this is about anymore.

Last week-end I took the little for a bike ride and jogged behind them.  We went for about a mile before we came to the park.  It was then that I realized I had jogged for a mile behind my kids and was not out of breath at all.  True, we we’re going that fast, but the idea that running a mile was not something that could brake me anymore was truly amazing.  A year ago just walking to the park would have left me tired and winded, and now I feel like I have so much more energy, which is a great thing considering I have two small boys.

For the past two weeks I have stuck with my running plan and am up to 5 miles on my  “long runs”.  I have to stop some times, but who cares?  I’m doing something I never thought I could do.  And, triumph of triumphs? I’ve officially run 100 miles since the beginning of 2014.  100 miles in 3 months.  It took me five months to walk/run this amount previously.

It’s amazing what we can accomplish when we don’t give up on ourselves…even when other’s may have given up on us.

The Long Way Home

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“You live but once, you might as well be amusing.” ~Coco Chanel

Do you ever get that feeling that you know you want to write but you have no idea what you are going to say?  That’s how I feel at this moment.  I feel like I’ve been writing this post in my head all week, but when I sit to write, nothing is actually coming out.

My workout schedule is going well and I have managed to follow it for two weeks.  Now that I’m running more and going to the gym less I know I need to work more on my stretching and strength training.  I neglected it this week, and after my run today I can definitely feel it.

I started talking up the fact that I signed up for the Baltimore Half Marathon to some friends at work and a lot of people seem really interested.  A few have even signed up already.  It really shows me how much I have grown during my running and since the summer.

6 months ago, if someone had said something about going running with me or running a race with me I would have laughed and tried to figure out some way to get out of it.  I would have been too embarrassed about my size, my ability, and my speed to even contemplate running near someone I know.  Even today when I decided to run this afternoon instead of tomorrow (too busy, more snow) I ran in broad daylight in my tight running pants singing along (rather softly) to my music.  I was super slow with all the snow and ice, I wore an old ratty t-shirt, and sweat was dripping down my face and I just didn’t care.

And the fact is, why should I?  I’m doing this for me, not for anyone else.  Sure, the more the merrier.  I love when I hear that I have motivated someone to run or workout, and I am still desperately searching for a (non-speedy) running buddy, but that’s not why I am doing what I do.  I have no problem being friend or a motivator or a cheerleader for anyone who needs it.  I don’t know what I would have done without mine.  But the days are gone where I always need someone to hold my hand and go with me as I jumped into the unknown abyss.  I no longer feel the need for the outside reassurance that I so constantly craved.

I stepped on the scale today for the first time since I hit my 50 pound mark.  And guess what.  I’m still at the 50 pound mark.  This would have bothered me before, but not now.  I know my clothes are getting looser, even the next size down for some of my items is too big.  The number on the scale doesn’t define me like it once did.  While it took me a long time to figure it out, that’s not what this running journey is about anyway.

Every day I remember why I started running in the first place.  August, and the summer in general, had been tough and one day I had had enough.  I was depressed, and moody, and couldn’t find joy in even the smallest things.  I didn’t want to feel like that anymore.  So I went for a run.  Or really, not even a run, as I couldn’t even run a quarter of a mile without stopping for a break.  And while I didn’t get serious about it until January, it quite literally saved my life, and continues to do so every time I venture out.  The first mile is always the hardest, but once I hit it, I feel like there is no stopping me.

I know I’m still super slow.  I know I don’t look like all the other runners out there.  And frankly, I just don’t care.  Months ago I would have.  Months ago I wouldn’t have even thought to run when other runners, “real runners” might be out there.  I didn’t want to embarrass myself.  But with the smiles and waves I got today as I trudged along through the snow and slush, I know no one is judging me except for me.

And right now, I’m feeling pretty fabulous.

100 Mile Challenge Miles Completed: 24

Weeks to the Baltimore Half Marathon: 35

Current Weekly Miles: 9

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In vino veritas…unless you’re giving it up

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“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

If you read my last post, you know I did something completely insane.  I signed up for a half marathon.  And I don’t just mean “signed up”.  I mean paid a rather large entrance fee to run with other people who are “real runners” and huff and puff for 13.1 miles…after which  I will promptly die.  I know I am NOWHERE close to being ready for it yet, but the half marathon isn’t until October, so I know I have time to get there.

After making the commitment, I decided that I should actually get serious about it.  Since I’ve only been running off and on for a few months, a couple times a week at most I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing.  I don’t know a lot about “training” or pacing or any of that other runner lingo, so I did what anyone else in my position would do…took to the computer.  So, after much internet (Pinterest) research I created a plan that includes running and cross training and takes me to June.  This is the first week in my training plan and I’m proud to say as long as I complete my short run tomorrow, I will have followed it every day.  It’s crazy to see that my first week I’m only running 8 miles, but by June, I’m up to about 25 per week.

With getting serious about the training plan, I feel like I also need to get serious about other things, such as food, getting enough sleep, and de-stressing.  And because of that, I think it’s time to say good-bye to the wine.  Now, you wouldn’t know if from my facebook account, but I actually don’t drink that much.  But, it’s probably more than I should, I know it’s taking the place of the water I should be drinking on certain nights.  Now, I’m not saying I’m completely giving it up.  There is nothing stopping me from having a glass out with friends after work, or toasting at a wedding, but I think it’s just time to take a break from it, especially at home, and see where this leads me.

Honestly, if I’m going to do this running thing, I want to really do it and I want to do it right.  I love it and it has changed me in more ways than most people know.

I can already see so many changes since picking running back up last month.  I can go for miles (yes plural) without having to stop.  I’m not as out of breath.  I’m not as sore afterwards.  2 miles no longer seems like an eternity (though that first mile is always the hardest), in fact, to me it feels super short.  Even tonight when I attempted to take the kids out with me on a 2 mile run, they got tired before I did.  I used to simply get tired watching them play.  And that was really the most amazing thing.

I’ve also seen changes in my mood.  I’m happier, less stressed, and have a more positive outlook.  Sure, I still vent and get upset, but not to the degree I used to.

So, a toast to how much I’ve put behind me and all the things I have to look forward to in the future.  A toast to say goodbye to a stress reliever I don’t need as much any more.

A final toast with a fancy bottle for a most important occasion.

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What Goes Up…

/ Cassie / 2 Comments

“We may encounter defeats, but we must not be defeated.” ~Maya Angelou

I guess I should start with the good.

I finally hit my 100 Mile Challenge miles.  On Martin Luther King Day.  I can’t believe I finally did it.  So what do I do to celebrate?  Made another challenge.  Now instead of running and walking 100 miles, I plan on running 100 miles by the end of April.  If I stick with the new training plan I’ve come up with, and it stops freaking snowing, it shouldn’t be a problem.

Also, I finally it my 5o pound mark.  I have officially lost 50 pounds as of January 25 (the eve of my 33rd birthday).  I can’t believe it.  It has done nothing but motivate me to lose another 50.

Plus, I ordered new running clothes from Old Navy in my normal sizes.  Which I now have to return because they are too damn big.

And yet…

I have to admit, it doesn’t take a lot to make me feel defeated.  More likely than not, it’s because I’m not used to failing.  I usually don’t try things that I know I might fail and because I have such a deep seated fear of failure, I usually accomplish everything I set out to, no matter the cost.  But on Wednesday, I went out for my run.  It was supposed to be 2 miles, but after a mile I decided to call it quits.  It was cold (as in literally 3 degrees), I was tired, I did over 3 miles on the elliptical at the gym the night before, and really, the list could go on and on.  I probably could have kept going for that two miles, but I didn’t want to, so I didn’t. And for the rest of the evening, I was in a funk, mad at myself that I didn’t finish what I was supposed to.

And you know what?  I haven’t been running since the night I quit early.  This is what I always do.  I do what I want to do, and don’t do things I don’t want to do.  Plain and simple.  It’s pretty selfish, if you think about it.  I have trouble pushing myself past the comfortable.  I have trouble pushing myself, period.  I don’t like pain, I don’t like to feel uncomfortable so I do everything in my power to avoid it, whether that be in my workouts, at my job, or in my personal life.  And because I don’t like to be uncomfortable and because I don’t like to fail, I don’t take risks. And I need to start.

So what does a girl who needs motivation and needs to take a big risk in order to push herself do?  She signs up for a half-marathon.

Oh yes, you read that right.  I signed up for the Baltimore Half-Marathon.  13.1 miles.  At one time. In front of other people.  With real runners who don’t “trot”.  I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to run the whole thing.  I can’t even guarantee that I’ll finish.

And I’m sure people will laugh when I tell them. But I like a good challenge.  And I’ve come this far.

Plus, you should see how motivated I am when people say I can’t do something…

So here’s a toast to new life choices, to challenges, to proving others wrong, and to simply proving to myself that I can do this.

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Why walk when you can fly

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“Because that’s the thing, the day before your life changes forever, it’s just like any other day.”

Finally, finally, finally.

Saturdays are a dreaded day.  The day I get on the scale.  I was worried about it, to be honest.  I was sick this week and didn’t really give it all my all.  So, I screwed my eyes up tight, got on a peaked at the number.  And it was lower.  Not by a lot, but by 1.4 pounds.  Which puts me at the lowest weight I’ve been since before Max was born.  Which puts me at 2.4 measly pounds until I hit 50 pounds lost.

And it’s those 1.4 pounds that make me realize that I can do this.  Since May my weight has been pretty consistent, gaining 1 or 2, losing 1 or 2, but never really going anywhere.  Not that I could blame it.  I wasn’t really doing anything to help it along.  I’d work out here and there, eat healthy here and there, run here and there, but never enough to amount to anything, and never enough for it to stick.

After a rocky 6 months, I’m finally ready to get back on track…and I am getting back on track. I feel like within the past three weeks, something has really clicked.  I’ve been able to stay on the healthy eating train.  I’ve stopped drinking except for one week-end day or special occasions, and really, haven’t had the desire as much as before.  I’ve been able stick to my workout plan for the most part and I’ve also been able to not get (too) upset the few times I have had to deviate from the plan for reasons beyond my control.

Overall the running is going well.  I’m still slow, but it doesn’t bother me as much anymore.  The speed will come.  One of my January goals was to be up to running 3 miles by the end of January.  Last Sunday I actually ran 4 (I still can’t believe it) so I’ve definitely met that goal!  I had never run more than 2.5 before that and to say that I felt accomplished was a major understatement.  I’m actually going to start incorporating some speed work on Saturdays with a friend (Hi Sara!).  We found the most AMAZING running trail today and can’t wait to try it out again next week.

My other January goals are going well too.  I’m halfway through two new books, have been soda free for 19 days, and have done quite a few things that I would normally have been scared to do.  I’m excited to set some February goals soon.  I’m hoping to get back on my one race a month kick, and maybe even rev it up to something past a 5K eventually.

The best part of all this?  For the first time in a long time, I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Usually, when things are going well, I tend to get scared and worried, believing that it’s only a matter of time before things start to turn sour again.  I’m gaining confidence, learning to tune out the small stuff, and battling (and moving on from) past demons that were keeping me stagnant.

And let me tell you…it’s an absolutely amazing, wonderful feeling.  I just can’t get enough.

I feel like I’m ready to battle whatever comes my way, whether it be big, or small, or nothing at all.

Upcoming Races/Runs

  • March: Shamrock 5K
  • April: Baltimore Color Run with Max (on his 5th birthday!!!)
  • May: Color Run in Queens with the Maryland and Childhood BFFs!
  • June: Charles Village 5K? Baltimore Women’s Classic 5K?
  • July: Electric Run
  • August: Trail Run at Boordy Vinyards?
  • September: Color Me Rad

And of course…the 100 mile challenge

Miles accomplished in the 100 Mile Challenge: 97.95

Miles to go in the 100 Mile Challenge: 2.05

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Just Keep Swimming

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“You simply have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Put blinders on and plow right ahead.” ~George Lucas

It’s been quite a few days since I’ve written anything.  It isn’t because I haven’t had anything to say, or that I’ve been uninspired.  It’s simply that I’ve been tired.  I’m really getting back into the swing of things with going to the gym and running four times a week, and by the time I get home at the end of the day all I want to do is eat and sleep…and that’t exactly what I’ve been doing.

I hopped on the scale this morning and I’m down another pound.  Usually, I would be upset about only losing a pound after all my hard work, but now, I’m OK with it.  A loss is a loss and it’s better than staying the same or going up.  Plus, with the amount I have been running and working out, I’m sure I gained muscle somewhere in there.  And the real kicker?  In 3.8 more pounds I will hit 50 pounds lost since last January (60 since June 2012).  All the tiredness and soreness and grumpiness when I couldn’t eat junk food was definitely worth it (even if it didn’t feel like it at the time).

I can’t believe that I am up to 2.25 miles when I run.  And I’m not letting anything get in my way.  Less than a year ago I never would have run in the rain, in the snow, when temperatures were below zero, or even when I was just too tired to go.  And in the past two weeks I have done all of these things. It’s crazy to think that not so long ago I could barely run a minute.  I was starting to get a little down about the fact that I am still so slow.  I swore I was a lot faster before I took the month of December off.  But when I looked back on my Map My Run workouts, I really wasn’t.  I’m actually at about the same pace, but going for longer distances so I’m excited about that.

My goal is to get up to 3 miles consistently before the end of January and I’m pretty sure I will be able to do it.  What I’ve learned is that the first mile is the hardest, the second mile gets a little better, and after that it’s surprisingly more easy.  Yes, I just used the words “mile” and “easy” in the same sentence.

I haven’t been having any out of the ordinary pain lately, which really makes me happy.  I’ve been doing a ton of cross training, stretching like crazy, and recently began riding the expresso bikes at the gym in order to help strengthen my quads/upper legs.  I was even able to get back to Cardio Dance!

I had been thinking about trying to find a race to run in February before the Shamrock Run in March.  The only ones I could find in my area were more than a 5K (not ready for that…yet) and the Valentine’s Day Undie Run (HELL NO!) so it looks like my first race back will be in March.

And while my original goal was to complete the 100 mile challenge by Christmas, taking the month of December off did not help and I did not finish on time.   Fortunately, I’m not the type to give up, so I’m going to finish it by the end of this month.  I can’t believe I only have 12.7 miles to go!

Miles accomplished in the 100 Mile Challenge: 87.35

Miles to go in the 100 Mile Challenge: 12.65

Self-Congratulations

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“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” ~Lucille Ball

I was feeling kind of low this morning.  I went for a run and it was remarkably slow.  I really felt defeated that I wasn’t back at the mile time I was before my knee injury.  With the feeling of defeat came the feeling of self doubt.  Why am I even doing this?  I’m never going to be a “runner” so I should just stop now.  This is the fastest it’s going to get so I should probably get used to it.

Then, after much agonizing and self doubt I decided to change my perspective.  No, I’m not as fast as I used to be, but I’ve only gone for four short runs (in new shoes) since I began running again.  No, I’m not as fast as I used to be, but we just got 3-4 inches of ice and snow and it’s been close to 0 degrees and I still went out twice (and didn’t kill myself on the ice).  No, I’m not as fast as I used to be, but I’ve also been cross training like crazy (strength training, body weight exercises, additional cardio, yoga) so my body needs to catch up to what I’m doing to it.  No, I’m not as fast as I used to be, but who the hell cares.  I’m still out there.  I’m running.  And I feel wonderful.

And, really, I’ve accomplished quite a lot, even just since Christmas.  I’ve stuck with my running and gym workout plan.  I’ve completed every day of the plank, push-up, and squat challenges that I decided to work on this month, I’ve lost almost 5 pounds, and I’ve been eating quite a bit healthier and tracking it all on My Fitness Pal.  Plus, today, I put on my new pair of compression running pants I got on clearance at Dicks.  And they are an XL.  And they fit.  Yup, only one X in that size.  This time last year, there were three.

The best part is, I have no doubt that I will be able to keep this up.  Last year, had you told me I would love running and would be signing up for race after race, I would have told you you were crazy.  But now…

It’s amazing how things change and how even the bad things in our life can lead us to something good.

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