new beginning

You Can Do Anything for a Minute

/ Cassie / 5 Comments

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer.” ~Albert Camus

You can do anything for a minute. At least that’s what I told Jane to scream at me when I felt like giving up today. And she did. During that the last minute when she yelled at me from the sidelines I felt as if I could have run forever.

I completed my first 5k today. I use the word “completed” instead of ran because I didn’t run the whole thing. To be honest, I didn’t even run half of it and had a pretty embarrassing time for completion. But today I beat the goal I set for myself and that’s all that matters.

Four months ago and 42 pounds ago I wouldn’t have even considered running a 5k. Well, I probably would have considered it, but would have blown it off. In those days I could barely go up a flight of stairs without feeling like I needed a nap. I actually cried a little on the car ride home because I couldn’t believe how far I’ve come. Today I completed a 5k and being able to use the word completed is an accomplishment in itself.

The whole thing lasted under an hour, but during that short amount of time I felt my entire outlook shifting. My motivation is coming back. My desire to continue my journey of healthy eating for myself and my family is rising again from the ashes of last week. I feel like I’ve been catapulted forward ready to take on new challenges because if I can do this, when I never thought it was possible, what else can I do? Today I signed up for my next 5k in September, ready to try again and this time go even faster, longer and harder.

Today I completed my first 5k and though this is a small feat for some, my world will never be the same.

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Big, huge, colossal

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

” Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now.” ~Vivian “Pretty Woman”

Do you know anything about despair? It’s the place where hopes don’t exist. I liken it to walking around a city and the sewer drains are uncapped. If you’re looking, really watching and paying attention, you can avoid them all together. But if not, you fall right in and Lord only knows when you are going to be able to pull yourself out.

Once you are down there, in the pit of despair, two types of people emerge. Person A pulls themselves together climbs up the ladder and emerges, maybe a little dirtier than before, but still intact and ready to face the world.

Person B, on the other hand does quite the opposite. Instead of looking for the ladder they give up, simply lie down, and take a very long nap.

Lately, I’ve felt more like Person B. I’ve been trying to get myself together, but I keep falling apart. It’s been a rough week. I’m not going to go all “Candide” on you, but on a scale of one to ten, it was an 11. I feel like maybe I want to find that ladder, the item that will get me out of despair, but I’m just so tired and don’t have any motivation.

That is, until tonight. That all stops here. Big things are coming. Huge. I’m not sure what they are yet, but they are on the tip of my tongue.

No idea when it’s coming, but you’ll know it when you see it.

Ctrl+Alt+Delete

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“And we’ll all float on, ok.  And we’ll all float on any way.”  ~Modest Mouse

I don’t know about you, but technology has kind of screwed me.  I now have more instant access to things and waiting, patiently (on not so patiently in my case) has become harder.  I feel as if I want to constantly simplify my life and problems, but not really in a good way.  Somethings not working?  Turn it off and turn it back on.  Hit the restart button.  Push “control-alt-delete”.   Because these techniques usually give wonderful, and instantaneous results, I daydream about using them in my every day life, with “real” problems.  Then I get sad, because I know I can’t.

I sometimes feel like I desperately need to restart.  Some button I could push when I’ve hit a glitch within my life that I really don’t feel like dealing with. It could be a crappy day, or week, or even just an ill timed decision.  Other times, I feel like I want to go back to the beginning, ALLLLLLLLLL the way back, and try again.  Take a different path, change that one choice that I believe, somehow, changed the entire face of my existence.

I, of course, know this is not possible.  I can’t just restart and make a different decision.  There are no do-overs in real life.  I try to teach my kids and students that there are second chances, you always have the opportunity to make a better, or different choice.  But should I be teaching them that?  Is there always another opportunity?  Should I instead be teaching them to live with the consequences, good or bad, of each decision that they make?

Even if that is the case, I don’t know if I could teach that.  I need there to be hope, and dreams, and that wonderful feeling that there is something MORE out there.  I need it in me, and I sure as hell need it in my kids.

I feel as if I have come to a crossroads; the whole Robert Frost fork in the road, which path should I take kind of dilemma.   The time has come for me to either make a change or be content with what I’ve got.  This being in between  pining for both ways is not healthy.  Let’s be real.  The reason I am not making a choice is because without making one, I can’t fail.  I want it all.  I don’t want to make decisions and I definitely don’t want to make the wrong choice.

I saw this postcard on post secret.  The original sender meant this as a message for those being abused to leave their relationships.  But I got a different meaning out of it.

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I think what I saw was a sign as well, but a sign that it is ok to leave mediocrity behind.  It’s ok to leave what I know when I have no clue what the other choices hold.  It’s time for me to take chances, failures be damned.  While my small picture may change, the big picture will still be there, waiting for my next move.

No matter what decision I make the world will still be turning.