working out

Accomplishments

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“Always focus on how far you’ve come, rather than how far you have left to go.” ~Unknown

This has been a good, but trying week.  It’s been the “get back on the horse” week for me.  I’ve been trying to make sure I eat healthy, work out more, get back into my running.  I hadn’t run for almost 2 weeks before Monday.  This week, I wound up running five days and going to the gym once.  My times were dismal to say the least.  My distances were pretty bad as well, not up to what I had been doing at all before my “break”.  I was tired, cranky and sore all week.  On top of all the exercise, my weight wasn’t really moving, which was adding to the cranky.  As it turns out I was eating almost 1000 calories too little each day.  Now, I have to try to figure out what to eat, and when, and how to add lots of good calories, making this ordeal even more stressful.

I know it’s going to get better.  I know I will get used to the early mornings again.  I know I will not always feel this sore and tired as my body gets used to this “abuse”.  I know I will figure out when to eat so I am not so constantly hungry (which means reaching for the closest thing, which usually turns out as something bad for me).

I realized that part of the reason I was feeling “defeated” was the fact that I was, again, concentrating on the negative instead of the positive.  I was focusing on how far I still need go, instead of how far I’ve come.  And honestly, while I haven’t come as far as I like, or as far as I could have because of certain derailments, I’ve come pretty damn far.

Here is a list of things things that have changed, for me, for the better since January.

1. I’ve lost 45 pounds.  I’ve gained a little and lost a little, but bottom line, 45 pounds is amazing.  It’s the size of a four year old.  Whenever I feel down, I look at Max and realize…wow, I lost THAT.

2. I can touch my toes.  Without bending my knees.  For an extended period of time.  Not only that, I can go past my toes and touch the floor.  Awesome doesn’t begin to cover it.

3. I can run a mile.  While it’s a slow (and I mean SLOW) mile, I can run a mile without stopping.  Back in January, I couldn’t even run a minute without feeling winded.  I’m not joking.  I tried Couch to 5K and literally wanted to kill myself after day one.  And now, a whole freaking mile.  And hopefully, in November, a whole 3.1 miles.

4. I changed a very significant number in my weight.  The first number.  Details not needed, but I will never see that number at the beginning of my weight again.  Mark my words.  I won’t.

5. I can now wear shirts with just ONE X in the front.  I know that this means I still have work to do, but for me, this is huge (pun intended).

6. I now get more excited about buying running gear than I do about “regular” clothes.  I love running shoes and I actually buy them for more than just being pretty (though pretty helps).  I don’t care that my tight running pants probably don’t look that great on me.  When I am running in them, I feel great.  And that is really the only thing that is important.

7. I actually like running.  Granted, I kinda don’t like it when I’m in the middle of it, but the feeling I have at the end of running is priceless.  I can’t even describe the feeling (nor do I want to) but it’s better than any feeling I’ve ever had.  Sublime euphoria is an understatement…

8. Not only do I like exercise now (I KNOW!) I also understand the importance of it.  It’s no longer about trying to look pretty or or fit into certain clothes, but it’s about being healthy, being around longer for my boys, and genuinely just feeling good about myself.  It’s been too long since I have felt that way.

9. My confidence has definitely improved.  I no longer hide.  I no longer shy away from conflict.  I am no longer afraid of asking for what I want. I no longer think I don’t deserve good things to happen to me.

10. I’m inspiring others.  People are reading about my journey and following me, and it’s encouraging them to get moving.  And really, that is one of the things that is keeping me going.  Knowing there are people out there who are changing some small aspect of their life because of me, is humbling, heartwarming, and completely encouraging.

I’m sure there are 100 other things I am forgetting, but these are the top 10.  I’m pretty proud of them.

And for the first time, in probably my whole life, I’m pretty proud of myself.

Miles to go in the 100 Mile Challenge: 57.15
Pound to go by January 1st: 25 (haven’t weighed in)

And…of course, there’s this…(January to October)

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Tomorrow: The Land of Mythical Opportunity

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“Yesterday you said tomorrow.” ~Unknown

Today was a rather unusually productive Sunday and I was only about to get about 3 hours of sleep last night.  I finished most of the things done on my “to do” list and I managed to do them without complaining.  And, for a Sunday, I was in a rather good mood.  I don’t know what it is, but I feel almost as good as I did a few weeks ago.  For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel like I needed to put things off until tomorrow when I was bound to feel better, happier, or more energetic.

What is it about the idea of “tomorrow”?  We always know it’s coming, and therefor can always put things (ideas, concerns, activities) off until then.  But when Today becomes Tomorrow, how much of it actually gets completed?  And how much of it just gets put off until the next tomorrow?

I know I’m guilty of this.  Constantly thinking that today is the last day I’m going to (insert vice here). That tomorrow I’ll be able to really assert my willpower or make better choices.  As if Tomorrow is some magical land that we can visit that solves all our problems and helps us become more fulfilled and productive.  The people who we are “supposed” to be live in tomorrow while the people that we “are” live in today.

But for me, I hope this stops…tomorrow.  I’ve made my healthy meals and completed my almost entirely clean eating grocery shopping.  My running clothes are out and ready for the morning.  My lesson plans are done and my school bag is packed and ready to go.  I even bought a fitbit because I really want to take this myself seriously this time.  I know I might falter and fall.  I know I might make mistakes. I know I might give in to temptation.  I’m human after all.  But as long as I get right back on track, without waiting for “tomorrow” to come around I also know that I’ll be ok.

Tomorrow morning I head out for my first run in almost two weeks.  I’m not expecting it to go well.  I’m expecting it to be slow and painful.  But, you know what?  Even though I know that’s how it’s going to be, I’m still excited to go.

I’m in it for the long haul.  There’s no turning back now.

Miles to go in the 100 Mile Challenge: 66.2
Pound to go by January 1st: 25

42 Days.

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“I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it. That explains the trouble that I’m always in” ~ Alice in Wonderland

42 days.  In the same breath it feels like tomorrow and far away all at once.  In 42 days I am running the Color Run in Baltimore and my goal is to run the whole thing.  But in order to do that, I need to get serious.  And lately, it doesn’t feel like I have been at all, at least not about running and exercise, or even my life in general.

I guess, in a way, you can say that I’ve been back sliding.  The worst part is, I saw it coming and honestly did nothing to stop it.  I KNOW what I am supposed to do in certain situations, yet I tend to make the complete opposite choice.  I could have kept going, could have pushed through and gone running even on the days when I was tired, but I was preoccupied with other things.  Things that were, frankly, not as important. I wish I knew why I did it.  But I don’t, and I have to stop thinking that if I concentrate hard enough I can change the past.

It’s hard sometimes, to find that motivation that we seek to keep going.  I look on Pinterest for a quote to get me going, or seek advice from  friend.  But sometimes it just doesn’t work. What I really need, sometimes, is someone to just tell me to stop looking behind, only look forward, and get off my ass and go.  Sure I’ll be tired, sure it will hurt, but the way I’ll feel when I accomplish what I want will erase all of that immediately.  For the past two weeks I haven’t run a lot because my foot hurts.  But what happened to the weeks I was doing it before?  I’m sure my foot hurt then as well, but why am I letting myself use it as an excuse now?  I mean, really, if I look deep down inside, I know why.  But frankly, I just don’t want to face it.

I’ve come so far, since January, since summer, that I don’t want to wind up back there again.  And yet, I’m letting myself gradually slink and slide back that way?  And for what?  Why is this so hard?  I guess, if it were easy, everyone would be doing it.

I wish I didn’t need to look outside of myself so often for some form of validation, but even at the ripe old age of 32, I still do.  Hell, half the time I still feel like a teenager, worrying that everyone is starting at me, or talking about me, etc.  I know even my friends judge, because I know I’m guilty of it too, which makes it so hard to just be ME sometimes. I think the saddest thing is that I know who I am , I really do, but I have yet to feel like I can be truly MYSELF around anyone.

This morning, I had this moment (more like 2 hours) of just pure bliss.  As I was heading downtown with the sun shining, music blaring, windows down, I just felt sublimely happy; the way I was feeling a few weeks ago.  I was heading to pick up my race packet for a 5K a friend and I are doing tomorrow and just thinking about doing the race made me happy.  I don’t know what it is about running that is making me so euphoric, especially when I am basically just walking really fast (yup, I’m that slow), but why do I let myself get away from that feeling?  Why do I let myself stop?  Why I am looking for a quick burst of happiness from some other arena instead of concentrating on this?

This goes back to my previous post too, about the not half-assing my life anymore.  I’ve looked up how to train, I’ve looked up what I need to do to help (not cure) my plantar fasciitis, but yet I don’t do it.  Deep down, no matter what I do, I feel like I am still that lazy girl who wants to just sit in the comfy chair and daydream about things that will never be, plan – but not do, and basically take the easy way out.  And the sad thing is that I am letting myself and letting the people around me let me do it!

I don’t want to be that girl anymore.  I don’t want to be that girl from last winter who could barely climb a flight of stairs without feeling like I was going to die.  I don’t want to be that girl from the spring that put work before herself and her family.  I don’t want to be that girl from the summer who basically couldn’t think for herself and do what she knew needed to be done.

I know what I want to be.  I just feel like I have no way to get there.

Where did it come from? And please don’t let it go away.

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“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.  Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” ~Helen Keller

I can’t figure out what is different about this time.  Am I more motivated? Am I tired of failing? Do I feel like I have something to prove?  Did the status quo get too much to handle?

Point is, I’m uber-motivated lately…and I love it.  I not only feel the need to get shit done, I am actually doing it.  Whether it is home, school, or exercise, things seem to be moving along in a generally positive direction.  I don’t know if the running is helping my mood, or if my mood is helping my running.  Frankly, I don’t care.  What matters is that I am doing it.  Normally, at this point, I would start becoming skeptical of the situation and be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but not this time.  I know that I need to keep on going positively and I am determined to do it.

Even with my running, I am feeling like this is something that I can keep doing.  I know it’s only been a week and half but I don’t see an end in sight.  Normally by now I would have given up, or gotten tired, or simply felt defeated.  But not this time.  I know that tomorrow when I get up to run I will probably be slower than a turtle in peanut butter, but I will be doing it anyway.  Even today, when I wasn’t running because I had deep water jog, I was missing it and was itching to go.  I know I have to pace myself and build up endurance, but it’s becoming something I want to do and maybe even *gasp* enjoy (especially when I go at 5 am and no one is around to hear me sing when I run).

And, quite honestly, I need this.  Things were not going well, in so many areas of my life, and I knew that if I didn’t take action soon, something dire would have happened. I was beyond depressed; a feeling I hadn’t felt in so many years.  I couldn’t see the light and felt like I was simply holding on by a thread.

I am not ashamed to admit that running is saving my life in more ways than one.  And I will continue to run for as long as it’s helping…and then after that.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 12.4
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 4.2 pounds

Just the beginning

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“‘Cause I need freedom now, And I need to know how, To live my life as it’s meant to be” ~Mumford and Sons

You know, I don’t know how to start this post, mainly because I’m not even sure what I want to say.  This morning had me getting up a 5:30 am on a Sunday in order to complete the Color Me Rad 5K in Baltimore.  This time, I wound up walking it with a few friends.  It was a lot of fun and even though we walked we still finished in under an hour.

I remember the feeling I had when I completed my first 5K back in May.  I couldn’t believe what I had accomplished and was so proud of my self for simply finishing.  I literally cried because it was something I never thought I would be able to do. Then summer happened, and issues happened, and I slacked off and gave up.

But not this time.  I won’t let myself give up.  I will continue.  I hope that I will be able to complete some sort of “race” once a month.

And my goal, my big goal, is to be able to run the entire Color Run in Baltimore on November 17th.  And I’m sure when that happens I will cry again.

Tomorrow the alarm will ring at 5 am and I will be get up and try my best to run for any distance, at any speed.  I will be sore and tired, but it will be worth it.

100 Mile Challenge: 10.4 miles

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The 100 Mile Challenge

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“Believe in yourself!  Have faith in your abilities!  Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

I decided that I would go again tonight, even though I knew it would be painful and tiring and slow.I didn’t make it for too long.  It was right before dinner and it was about 95 degrees…in the sun…and I was wearing black (what was I thinking?). The point is that I was sore, but I did it anyway.  The point is that I was tired, but I did it anyway.  The point is that I didn’t want to, but I did it anyway.  I did something.

I always heard that adage that exercise is supposed to make you happy.  While I do love my gym time (no kids, no husband, no one’s judgement) I never really got that “happy feeling” after a workout.  Better mood, yes, but happy?  No.

Until today…

After running my very slow run I came home and stretched for a full 20 minutes.  Then had dinner.  During dinner, I felt it.  Those endorphins that everyone is always talking about when it comes to exercise…and I loved it.

It made me realize there is more to this idea of running than losing weight, looking better, and building muscle.  My mental health can improve through all this too, and honestly, after what I’ve been through the past 6 months, this is the most important factor to keep me going.

In typical me fashion, though, I almost feel like I can’t do this without some sort of motivator…some sort of challenge.  So I am creating one for myself.  I tend to do this running “thing” for a few weeks before I become bored or frustrated or both.  I begin to feel like I’m not getting anywhere or am never going to be able to “really run” so I decide to move on to something else.  Not this time.  I’m going to stick with it until it kills me…because chances are it will do the exact opposite.

Without further ado…the challenge.  I’ve decided that between now and Christmas I will run/walk 100 miles.  That’s 17 weeks.  That’s approximately 5-6 miles per week, which is completely doable, and maybe even a little too easy.  The thing is, I know that life happens, illness happens, kids happen, weather happens.  And if set my goals to high, I may never achieve them.  IF it comes to the point that I will definitely meet my goals, I can always add more.  Here are the rules for my challenge.

  1. All miles must be intentional.  While I prefer that they all be running, I’m not naive and I know it will be awhile until I get there.  While walking is also fine, all miles must be accumulated when exercise is intentional.  I can’t just turn a pedometer when walking around the mall and have it count.  It has to be when I am actively seeking out exercise.
  2. All miles must take place on the road (track, trail) or treadmill.  No elliptical or pool miles allowed.
  3. No more than 35 miles may take place on a treadmill.  I’ve found that treadmills are a lot easier than roads so I need to have a real challenge.
  4. Miles in conjunction with races (Color Run, Color Me Rad, etc.) will count towards the final number.  If I’m putting in the work, I should get the benefits.
  5. Except in the event of (real) injury, I may not quit.

I’m sure I’ll add more rules as they come up, but I feel like, for now, this should cover it.  I’m excited about this challenge as well as having a “real world” long term goal.  I’m even more excited about the long term benefits, not only to my body, but to my soul.

In general, I’m excited.  Are you?

Miles to date: 3

A World of Difference…

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“Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push.  A smile.  A world of optimism and hope.  A ‘you can do it’ when things are tough.” ~Richard M. DeVos

Today started out the same as any other.  The kids woke up when the first light touched the sky and immediately climbed into bed with us at the ungodly hour of 6:33 am.  We had breakfast and coffee, spent the morning cleaning, did the grocery shopping, made lunches for the week, played outside…everything was typical.  I even had a little time to waste on the internet and write a short post.  It was a normal, typical, even boring day.

But, I felt off.  It felt as if something were missing.  I thought maybe it was the usual Sunday blues, or maybe waking up with a **slight** hangover, or maybe interactions that I had throughout the day.  I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I made banana chocolate chip muffins for breakfast tomorrow, cooked a very good dinner (grilled steak, homemade mashed potatoes, sauteed zucchini) even had a glass of wine.  Still, something felt off and unfinished.

Then, for no apparent reason, at 7:00 at night, I decided to go for a run.  It’s been two weeks since I’ve even been to the gym and throughout the summer I really had only gone a smattering of times.  But it didn’t matter.  At that moment I had to go running.  I put up my hair, threw on my shoes and headed out the door.

I got to the track, and my need began to wane slightly.  There were  A LOT of people at the track.  I didn’t want to run in front of “real” runners.  I literally almost got back in the car and drove home.  But I didn’t.  And that is huge.

I started walking and then before I knew it I decided to run, screw the other people around me who may be judging.

After 2 miles it was pretty dark and I needed to get home to see the boys before bed.  My time was fairly embarrassing, but really, I didn’t care.  I was motivated enough to get up, get out of my house and RUN.  Two miles is two miles more than nothing.  And had I decided not to go, or chickened out, where would I be?  Sitting at home, watching TV, playing on the internet and hating myself for not doing anything.

I may be slow, and uncoordinated, and look silly, but I don’t care.  I got up and did SOMETHING.  And that’s good enough for me.

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The Comeback

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“To admit that you want to have a comeback means you have to admit you weren’t what you were supposed to be.  You dropped below your own standard.” ~Marilyn Manson

Today is the first day in a long time that I have felt like me.  Not the me that I once was, not the me that I could be or am supposed to me, but the legitimate, here I am “Me”.  And it feels absolutely amazing.

I never realized before how much I actually like being me.  I always had this dark cloud over my shoulder insinuating that I should be skinnier, prettier, smarter, a better parent, a better wife, and better friend, better at my job, etc.  But today, I love being who I am and everything about myself.  I’m feeling optimistic about the future and what it holds for the first time in a long time.

I feel like there has been a lot of craziness over the past few months and because of this I know I’ve become rather depressed.  This “monster” snuck up on me when it thought that I wasn’t paying attention and within just a short while I began to feel almost like a shadow of myself…as if I was never really “there”.  I’m no stranger to depression, and I know what to look for, but I didn’t really think I wanted to admit that this is what was happening.  It’s as if the depression was draining all the strength out of me and I didn’t have the energy to try and get it back.

I tried hard, I really did. I’d go to the gym here and there, eat right here and there, be present for my friends and family here and there. But I never truly felt like I was anywhere.  I kept hoping that something would come along that would simply jump start my system again.

About a week ago my gym friend Paula who runs a page on Facebook called The Weigh Inn  posted a challenge asking all of us who were interested in losing 15 pounds by August 31st to join her and each of us would be able to hold the other ones accountable.  I joined right up, hoping that it would be that motivation or kick in the pants that I needed to get back in action.  It helped, somewhat, but I still wasn’t “back”.  I still felt like something was holding on and not letting me go.

Today I wrestled with the idea of going to the gym.  I finally decided just to do it and I am so glad I did.  Something happened when I started on that machine.  No longer did it seem like I was simply watching the clock and counting the minutes until I could get off or making excuses as to why I should end the work-out early.
I finished my whole workout and when I stepped off that machine, for the first time in two months, I felt “HERE”.  What was missing the entire time wasn’t someone else pushing me or motivating me.  It was ME!  I knew it from the beginning that making this “comeback” had to come from within.  I just didn’t realize the way to do it was to push myself and not be afraid that I was going to get pushed back. I had to stand up to myself.  And as most of us can attest, we are out own worst enemy, critic, and friend.

I found this on Pinterest this morning and I couldn’t help stealing it.  It really signifies how I felt today and I had to share.

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I know there will be bumps and sores, times when I am too tired or too moody, times when I just don’t feel like it, and even times when there just isn’t enough time.  But I’m not worried about that anymore.  I know longer **think** I can do this.  I know I can.

I made my way back on the horse today and I’m not getting off for anyone.

Living on borrowed time

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“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign that you’re not doing anything very innovative.” ~Woody Allen

Well, I failed at my attempt to get back to the gym this week.  Actually, that’s not true, I did go one day.  And really, I had an upper respiratory infection to contend with, so I had a slight excuse.  But honestly, I know a lot of it had to do with just being lazy.  I don’t know what it is.  Maybe it’s the heat (which I cannot stand) or maybe it’s simply because I don’t have to be doing anything that I don’t feel like doing anything.

Or maybe it really is the fact that I need something or someone to motivate me.  I thought I was strong enough to do this on my own, but am I?  Maybe I am tired of kicking my own butt and just need someone to do this with me. Maybe I need a little competition, I don’t know.  Point is, I need to figure it out and I need to figure it out fast.

I know that I don’t want to slip back into old ways and habits.  I literally cannot afford to.  We can say what we want about there always being a tomorrow, or tomorrow being a new day, or we can always start over, but honestly, we can’t.  And some of us, more than others know this.

There isn’t always a tomorrow, or more time, or even a better time.  I have to stop relying on other people and learn to do this on my own.

Because contrary to popular belief, time isn’t free.  It’s borrowed. And I better make the most of it while I have it.

Where has my motivation gone?

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“People often said motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily.” Zig Zigler

I don’t even have the motivation to write today. I’m trying to do it anyway.

I don’t even have the motivation to exercise today. I’m trying to do it anyway.

I don’t even have the motivation to eat healthy today. I’m trying to do it anyway.

I don’t even have the motivation to __________________. Who am I kidding, I’m not even trying.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m in a funk. I’m in a slump. I don’t even know what I’m doing at this point. I keep trying different things to get me going but they’re not working. I’m eating crap and then I feel like crap. I’m too tired or sore to exercise and then I feel like crap because I didn’t. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of.

I need a pick-me-up. I need a jump start. I need someone to shake me and slap me across the face. I need to reach deep down and remember why I’m doing this…all of this.

Help.