This is for all the lonely people…

July 24, 2015 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“Being alone is very difficult.” ~Yoko Ono

Marathon training is not only hard, but it’s lonely. I don’t think it’s something you can truly understand until you go through it yourself. I have friends that have run marathons so I thought I got it. I most certainly did not.

I remember being out with friends, begging them to have one more drink, one more bite, one more anything, and scoffing when they said they couldn’t. Of course they can, I thought. They’re just being (insert word here). And of course, that’s when you could get them out at night. Because most times, you can’t. Now I know, though, that you can’t eat one more bite, because it might be the thing that puts you over the edge during your run that evening. And you can’t always have another drink or go out at all because you have to get up at 4 am to run X number of miles.

I know all this now. And it sucks.

What I need is someone to say “Let’s stay in and watch a movie tonight because I know you have a long run tomorrow.” Or “Here, have some water with lemon to hydrate for your run in the morning.” Or how about someone to tell me to put down the fucking cupcake or smack the Ritz crackers out of my hand.

But I don’t have a person like that. I don’t have a partner in crime for this adventure.

It’s hard to go through this alone and I wish, now, I would have been more understanding of my friends that have gone through it before me.

Balance is key, in all aspects of training, and I have to admit I’m doing a terrible job. I’m either too serious or not serious enough. Eating everything in the house or nothing at all. Running all the miles or hardly any.

And now that I’m injured, I am feeling all of this times 10. I know I need to rest, but I know I can’t not run. And no one gets it.

It’s officially 100 days until the marathon. I just have to make it through and then everything will go back to normal, right?

In all seriousness

June 8, 2015 / Cassie / 2 Comments

“One must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life.” ~Oscar Wilde

I don’t know what it is, but I can’t seem to push myself. I seem quite content at being complacent these days.

I’m supposed to be running a marathon in 5 months and I’m training for it like it’s a 5k, allowing myself to make excuses to cut runs short. I’d probably skip them altogether if it weren’t for this run streak.

I think maybe I’m not allowing myself to be serious about it so I have a reason to fail. That if I’m not ready for it I won’t have to do it. If I can’t finish it it’s because I wasn’t ready for it.

I think maybe I’m not allowing myself to be serious about this because I’m too concerned about what other people think. The whole “You’re training for a marathon? You?” pops into my head quite frequently when I imaginarily tell people about it.

I seem to always allow my life to be dictated by the thought of these “others”, people who I’m sure are judging me because I’ve probably judged them at some point. I try to be positive, but my thoughts are always so negative, especially the ones that I’ve directed at myself.

I need to remind myself that it’s OK to be serious about this and to take myself seriously. Even if no one else thinks so, I have to believe that I can do this.

And so we begin

May 11, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“I dare you to train for a marathon, and not have it change your life.” ~Susan Sidoriak

Tomorrow’s the day. The day I take a breath. The day I move on. The day I continue moving forward. The day I put the past behind me. The day I emerge from the ashes that is my mistakes. The day I work for what I want. The day I make my plans a reality.

Tomorrow’s the day I begin training for the TCS New York City Marathon. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be rough, on both me and the ones closest to me. It’s going to be life changing and that’s what I’m counting on.

I’m excited and petrified. I’m ready and not ready. I’m worried and surprisingly calm. I’m all this and more. I’m a myriad of emotions I don’t even have words for.

Tomorrow’s the day…the day I become who I was meant to become.

Serious is as serious does

May 1, 2015 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” ~Jackie Robinson

Crackers. That’s what my life’s been about these days. Ritz crackers.

I don’t know why, but I have become obsessed with them. I’ll even buy them when they’re not on sale, which for me is a very big deal. They’re buttery. They’re salty. Like the little black dress, they go with everything. They also have almost a gram of fat per cracker…and let’s not even get into the ingredients. Yet lately, I can’t stop eating them.

It’s not for lack of healthy food. I have hummus and veggies and fruit (oh my!). It’s simply lack of desire. Frankly, it feels like a case of the “W’s”. Why bother? Who cares? What does it matter? Where am I actually going? When am I going to get myself together?

The truth of the matter is that I haven’t been taking myself seriously. I’ve just been eating and lazing about. Sure, I just had a baby a few weeks ago and most people seem to think I should just be laying in bed, holding my baby, and eating chips. But that’s not me. At least, it’s not anymore. Two ago it was. Post Oliver and Maxwell it was. But it’s not now and I know that I can’t go back to that.

While I think my cracker habit is innocuous, the wine and chocolate habit certainly isn’t and the scale is reminding me of that every Friday morning as I step on. Before, when the numbers went up, I could always just tell myself I was building muscle so it was ok. At that time, though, I was also running 25 miles awake so that was probably true. Not so much right now.

I signed up for 6 races while I was pregnant, hinging on the fact that having a goal or end point was going to make me jump right back after having the baby. With one of these being the New York City TCS Marathon I need to start taking the idea of running them seriously.

I feel like I fluctuate between “hell yes” and “hell no” whenever I think about actually completing the marathon. Moment of gut-wrenching truth? I have this feeling like I KNOW I am going to chicken out which is why I’m not training like I should.

I’m not taking this seriously and I’m not taking myself seriously. That is a problem. I still have trouble identifying myself as a “runner”, even more so now since I really can’t run again yet. I still get hung up on the fact that other people might not see me as a runner. I somehow automatically assume that everyone is judging me and the real reason is because I can’t stop judging myself.

I need to hold myself more accountable. I need to take myself seriously…even if other people don’t.

Because screw them.

I’m running the freaking New York City Marathon. And it’s going to be awesome.

The Last Supper…

April 20, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” ~Dante

As you may or may not have read here (depending on if you follow my self involved ramblings on my blog), I entered the lottery for the TCS NYC Marathon…and was accepted. I won’t go into much detail because the whole story is listed on the link above, but I have to say that each day I float between elation and crippling fear.

It sounded like a great idea in January. It was still 11 months away. The chances of me getting in, especially for the first time, was slim to none. I was safely encased in my pregnancy…a legitimate excuse not to run or really train for that matter so I wasn’t injured, or ultra tired (except for being pregnant), or broke because of race entry fees. But now, I’m 12 days post baby and the marathon is 196 days away. 28 weeks. Approximately 7 months. As the little one and I blog together this evening I can’t help but wonder if I wasn’t completely insane for even considering this.

Insanity, is of course, a relative term. This is going to be tough, no doubt about it. But I’m itching to get started again. As of Friday I am down 20 pounds since my last pregnancy visit…that’s actually 3 pounds less than my lowest weight pre-pregnancy. It’s definitely motivating.

But, for the past 12 days I’ve also kind of let myself go. It’s been nice to have wine. It’s been nice to eat more than a few bites without feeling full. It’s been nice to not have heartburn with EVERY SINGLE FOOD that I eat. And really…should we even mention the Easter candy that is finally gone (with much of my help). But not anymore. This week-end has been a “last supper” if you will. I went a little more indulgent, a little more unhealthy, a last hoorah of bad decisions before jumping in wholeheartedly.

It’s time though. I’ve had my share of wine, sugar and fried food. I’m ready to get back on the wagon and really put my heart and soul into this training, eating healthier, and really moving forward with my life. I could say that it’s all about the marathon, but really, it’s more than that. I now have three beautiful, wonderful kids that I want to be around for for many years to come. I’m not only training for a marathon, I’m training for life.

Tonight I raise my glass…to me and all I’m going to accomplish this year, especially the NYC Marathon. Even if I’m last I’m going to kick some ass.

This week’s training goal: 20 miles walking at a rigorous pace

Yesterday was a good day.

March 5, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Running is like life, it’s a long journey, but well worth it.” ~Unknown

I needed yesterday. More than you know.

I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with the lovely pregnancy insomnia that has plagued me for weeks. It was also our first day without a delay or a day off in a week so the thought of working a full day was already tiring. When I couldn’t get back to sleep I decided just to get up and go for a run.

I hadn’t run in over a month and the entire month I felt off. February was rough. I had an extremely short temper with pretty much anyone that came in contact with me. I was angry, hostile, bitter. I felt like I hated the world. I felt like a terrible parent, a terrible wife, and a terrible friend. I blamed these feelings on the pregnancy and on the hormones, but really, what I think happened was that I just didn’t run.

Running has always been my therapy. As a kindergarten teacher and a mother, I don’t get much time to myself. Add pregnancy into the mix and most of the time that I had to myself had me being way too tired to do anything anyway.

I could tell you why I stopped for a month. I could tell you it was because the doctor recommended it (which she did, a least until 36 weeks), or because I was too busy, or because I was too tired. And for the most part all of these things are true. But the real reasons I stopped are far more shallow. I didn’t have a real goal to work towards to I slacked off. I got tired of seeing my mile times increase and increase some more. I got tired of seeing the scale go up incrementally.

So I stopped. I figured what’s the point. I would just sit around for the next few weeks and be lazy and grow a baby.

But what I’ve found is that I can’t stop. I need running. Like I need air. Like I need food. Like I need my family. I need it like my life depends on it. Because for all intents and purposes, it does.

So yesterday was important. Yes, I was more tired and sore than normal. But it didn’t matter. For the first time in a month I felt like me again. I felt positive. I felt ready. I felt alive.

So it’s time. It’s time to stop worrying about my time. It’s time to stopping thinking, period, and just run. Because you never know what amazing things lie on the horizon. And I know whatever they are, I can conquer them with my eyes wide open and my heart ready for anything.

The Best Intentions

February 1, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Good intentions never change anything. They only become a deeper and deeper rut.” ~Joyce Meyer

I’ve just turned 34 and I’m no better at this than I was at 24. I make lists. I make plans. I identify things that need changing. I’m proud of myself. I’m able to take the first step. Sometimes I’m even able to take the second step. I stick with it, for a day, maybe a week.

And then nothing.

I don’t know what it is. I decided just one day off is ok. I decide I need a break. I decide, for whatever arbitrary reason, that I deserve a break. Or I lose my cool. Or I break my promise. And my one day turns into two, or three, and then, inevitably forever.

Why is it sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can’t? Where in my brain is the motivation cortex? The place that is supposed to help me keep going and reach my goals even when I want to quit.

I could blame the pregnancy right now and it would be so easy. I’m exhausted and uncomfortable and will be for the next 2 months. But that would be taking the easy way out because in reality, I was like this long before I became pregnant and long before I had two rambunctious boys to take care of. I feel like I’ve always been of the “lazier” variety, of the “blame everyone but me” variety, of the “let’s make excuses” variety. And as much as I make the conscious effort NOT be like this, I always end up right back here at the starting line.

But I can’t stop, right? As I do at the beginning of every month I have to believe that this month will be different, that this is the month where everything will finally stick and I will emerge victorious and transformed. No more excuses.

The first step, no matter how many times you have taken it in the past, is always the hardest.

Hello. My name is quitter.

November 24, 2014 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.” ~Alysha Speer

I’m feeling lost and have no idea how I am going to find myself again. I feel transient, almost as if I am actually just on the outside looking in. I used to feel so put together. I used to feel like I had a purpose. I used to feel whole. I used to know who I was and now I simply have no clue.

I’ve been feeling this way for a while. The more I try to think about why I’m feeling this way, the more confused and lost I feel.

It may have to do with being pregnant. I have to admit, when I first found out I was pregnant I wasn’t thrilled. I had recently found running and had based some of my identity on being a runner (albeit a slow one). I was really worried about how this was going to affect my running. I realize it didn’t have to, but I was so worried about the beginning stages of pregnancy, that I let it. I have almost completely stopped running and without the running my mood has quickly gone sour. I am complaining more. Quitting more. Whining more. Being pessimistic more. And I hate it.

I’ve been letting my role of “mother” take away from all the other roles I love to play: runner, inspirer, friend, wife. And the worst part is, I’ve been letting myself let myself. Yet, when I try to reverse this, when I try to get back to the way things are, I can’t.

It’s not that I don’t know how. I know exactly the steps I need to take. I know exactly what I need to do. But I don’t do it. I make plans. Then I can’t take the steps.

I know I need to get up and run. I just need to do it. And then my alarm goes off in the morning and I go back to sleep, knowing full well that I am going to hate myself in the morning, that I’m going to feel crappier than if I missed that hour of sleep due to running.

Just yesterday, my 3 year old asked me why I don’t go running anymore. Even he has noticed. Even he has seen the effects of my slacked attitude. It’s not just me. It’s not me being oversensitive to the situation.

I feel discouraged because I am so much slower now than I was. I felt like quitting when I realized I wasn’t getting faster, but slower instead. And instead of continually getting slower, I let myself quit altogether.

When I try to explain this to people, I usually get the “It’s ok, because you’re pregnant.” So I sigh and am inwardly happy that I have a “legitimate” excuse that I can use instead of what the real reason is: “I’m scared and I don’t want to fail more than I have so I simply won’t try.” I’m letting pregnancy be my excuse because it’s there, not because it’s the truth. I’m letting it be my excuse because to the outside world, it’s one that is allowed.

But to me it’s not. I’ve come to far to let this go. I’ve overcome heartache and muscle aches and sore everything and yet still kept going. I don’t want to resent my newest little because I quit and blamed it on being pregnant with her. I don’t want this to be who I am to her and the rest of my family. I don’t want this to be who I am, period.

I need to remember who I was. I need to find me again.

Celebration Tuesday

November 20, 2013 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results. ~Willie Nelson

Today started well, but towards the end of the day, I started to get a little down. I don’t know if it was the wine with dinner or the fact that I’m pretty tired from gyming every morning and getting myself back on track. Really it could be a number of things…it happens. So I decided, maybe I should focus on some good things that have happened lately.

1. I put on capri workout pants today. They used to be tight around my calves. Today I realized they are super baggy. This made me happy.

2. I have worked out 4 days in a row. It’s been a while since I could say that. I’m not sure if I’ll run or gym tomorrow morning, but I know that I’ll do one of them.

3. My calf muscles are killing me after my run…but that means I have calf muscles and I am using them to push myself farther and make myself better.

4. I’m in the low 30’s of how many more miles I need to go in my 100 mile challenge. I really can’t believe that I am actually going to accomplish this.

5. I still have no idea what I am doing…with my running, my job, my life…but I am OK with that. I’ll get it eventually.

I think that’s it. A short post, but it’s nice to see that I’m getting somewhere.

Tomorrow: The Land of Mythical Opportunity

October 14, 2013 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Yesterday you said tomorrow.” ~Unknown

Today was a rather unusually productive Sunday and I was only about to get about 3 hours of sleep last night. I finished most of the things done on my “to do” list and I managed to do them without complaining. And, for a Sunday, I was in a rather good mood. I don’t know what it is, but I feel almost as good as I did a few weeks ago. For the first time in a long time I didn’t feel like I needed to put things off until tomorrow when I was bound to feel better, happier, or more energetic.

What is it about the idea of “tomorrow”? We always know it’s coming, and therefor can always put things (ideas, concerns, activities) off until then. But when Today becomes Tomorrow, how much of it actually gets completed? And how much of it just gets put off until the next tomorrow?

I know I’m guilty of this. Constantly thinking that today is the last day I’m going to (insert vice here). That tomorrow I’ll be able to really assert my willpower or make better choices. As if Tomorrow is some magical land that we can visit that solves all our problems and helps us become more fulfilled and productive. The people who we are “supposed” to be live in tomorrow while the people that we “are” live in today.

But for me, I hope this stops…tomorrow. I’ve made my healthy meals and completed my almost entirely clean eating grocery shopping. My running clothes are out and ready for the morning. My lesson plans are done and my school bag is packed and ready to go. I even bought a fitbit because I really want to take ~~this~~ myself seriously this time. I know I might falter and fall. I know I might make mistakes. I know I might give in to temptation. I’m human after all. But as long as I get right back on track, without waiting for “tomorrow” to come around I also know that I’ll be ok.

Tomorrow morning I head out for my first run in almost two weeks. I’m not expecting it to go well. I’m expecting it to be slow and painful. But, you know what? Even though I know that’s how it’s going to be, I’m still excited to go.

I’m in it for the long haul. There’s no turning back now.

Miles to go in the 100 Mile Challenge: 66.2
Pound to go by January 1st: 25

Grace Before Perfection

Mom. Teacher. Wanna-be most things. Lover of almost everything except talking on the phone. Oh, and I read a lot of books. Like an unhealthy amount.

accomplishments