The Forgotten Thank You

May 17, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“We met for a reason. You’re either a blessing or a lesson.” ~Frank Ocean

There are very few things we do without the help of others. Many times there’s the “overt help”, the help you can see and understand, the type of help that never masks itself as anything other than help. It’s help simplified or help understood. We can take it at face value for what it is.

Then there’s the other kind of help. The help that swoops in wearing a mask. The help that may take days, or weeks, or even years to show itself. The help that you are fairly certain is actually not help at all.

This help comes in so many forms: toxic friendships, heart break, depression, fear. At first, these things are a negative force in our life, ripping us apart from the inside out, tearing us down so much that we believe we may never be able to build ourself up again. We believe there is no way for us to ever be whole.

But you know what I’ve learned? This is sometimes the best kind of help. While it may change our lives drastically, many times we come out the other side a little worse for the wear, but seemingly better overall. This is the kind of help that forces us to make decisions, make changes, face our demons. This is the kind of help that not only changes who we are, but makes us who we are.

Usually we vilify those people who change our lives in this way. We feel that that they’ve taken some essential part from us and we yearn to get it back, to make ourselves who we once were. But for me, at least today, I want to say thank you.

Thank you to the toxic friends, without whomI never would have discovered some of the truly amazing people in my life.

Thank you to the those who have caused substantial heartbreak, without which I never would have found running.

Thank you to the depression that has overtaken me on numerous occasions, without which I never would have known how wonderful simple joys can be.

It’s time to put the past behind me and move forward, embracing everything that’s gotten me where I am today, both positive and negative.

I finally think I’m ready.

And so we begin

May 11, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“I dare you to train for a marathon, and not have it change your life.” ~Susan Sidoriak

Tomorrow’s the day. The day I take a breath. The day I move on. The day I continue moving forward. The day I put the past behind me. The day I emerge from the ashes that is my mistakes. The day I work for what I want. The day I make my plans a reality.

Tomorrow’s the day I begin training for the TCS New York City Marathon. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be rough, on both me and the ones closest to me. It’s going to be life changing and that’s what I’m counting on.

I’m excited and petrified. I’m ready and not ready. I’m worried and surprisingly calm. I’m all this and more. I’m a myriad of emotions I don’t even have words for.

Tomorrow’s the day…the day I become who I was meant to become.

Just a Mile

May 10, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“If you don’t take the chance to live life, what can you say at the end of it?” ~Naveen Andrews

Two years ago I went through something profound. My world was complacent and in one day everything became something else. It was almost as if I put my life into a blender and hit the switch on high. My world became mixed, tangled, and unrecognizable. And then the bottom fell out. I couldn’t breathe. I lost myself and I had absolutely no hope of salvation.

Then, for no apparent reason, at 7:00 at night, on a random Sunday in September, I decided to go for a run. I was tired. I needed to give the kids a bath. The housework had piled up beyond belief. But it didn’t matter. At that moment I had to go running. I put up my hair, threw on my shoes and headed out the door. It was slow, it was messy, it could hardly even be classified as a run.

But that run saved my life. I was able to crawl through the wreckage that was my summer and come out the other side breathing. I kept running and eventually I was able to run a mile without stopping and that became the marker on which I base my life.

When I would fall off the running wagon, I would continually test myself by running a mile. When I would fall into a deep depression, I would test myself by running a mile (when I finally emerged). When I drank a little too much wine the night before I would test myself by running a mile. During my pregnancy I would continually test myself by running a mile. And now, 4 weeks after having my baby, I tested myself by running a mile…and I was still able to do it. I would tell myself if I could still run a mile all hope was not lost. If I could still run a mile there was a chance…of something, anything.

These days, after finishing numerous 5 ks, a 10k , and a half marathon a mile might seem pretty insignificant. Sometimes on my rest days I head out to run “just a mile”. But in reality, to me, it was never “just a mile”. It was so much more. It was something I wanted for so long and I made a plan, put in the effort, and on the other side came out successful. It was an accomplishment and it set the tone for the rest of my life. It was something that could never be lost or taken for me. It was my mile and I owned it.

Running a mile showed me that what I wanted was important. Running a mile showed me what I wanted was possible.

It was never “just a mile”. It was my life. And with that mile I had saved it.

Teach your children well

April 28, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“So just look at them and sigh and know they love you.” ~ Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

I had a different post I was going to write about tonight. I was going to post about the fact that today my kindergartener came home on “yellow” because he couldn’t focus at writing time. I was going to post about how my four year old thinks no one loves him anymore (in his words) because sometimes we are busy with the new baby. I was going to post about how Mike had class tonight so it was just me and the three kids and with the above mentioned factors and Charlie going through a growth spurt and for the first time in three weeks I started to think that maybe I couldn’t do this…

I was going to post about all these things and how they made me feel like a failure as a parent. Then, as I log into social media for the five minutes I have to breathe, I see the destruction that is Baltimore. I see the peaceful protests being marred by the loiters and the rioters. I see stores being burned to the ground and people being hauled off in ambulances. I see a newly constructed senior center being engulfed in flames less than two blocks from the school where I teach and I wonder if MY 25 kindergarteners are all right. All of this is hitting way too close to home and I feel the tightness in my chest start to rise.

And with that I realize that in the grand scheme of things being on “yellow” for one day is not the end of the world. And in 10 minutes Oliver will come to me for a hug and kiss and validation and be back to his normal self. And Charlie will finish her growth spurt and go back to my happy, adorable baby. And that none of this is catastrophic because we are all loved, and safe and ALIVE. All I want at this moment is to keep them home, little, and protected with me for as long as I can. I want to teach them about these moments while shielding their eyes and hearts from them at the same time.

This is exactly what I think as I turn off Twitter, rush upstairs, and hug all my babies a little tighter. Because right now, we are OK.

The Last Supper…

April 20, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” ~Dante

As you may or may not have read here (depending on if you follow my self involved ramblings on my blog), I entered the lottery for the TCS NYC Marathon…and was accepted. I won’t go into much detail because the whole story is listed on the link above, but I have to say that each day I float between elation and crippling fear.

It sounded like a great idea in January. It was still 11 months away. The chances of me getting in, especially for the first time, was slim to none. I was safely encased in my pregnancy…a legitimate excuse not to run or really train for that matter so I wasn’t injured, or ultra tired (except for being pregnant), or broke because of race entry fees. But now, I’m 12 days post baby and the marathon is 196 days away. 28 weeks. Approximately 7 months. As the little one and I blog together this evening I can’t help but wonder if I wasn’t completely insane for even considering this.

Insanity, is of course, a relative term. This is going to be tough, no doubt about it. But I’m itching to get started again. As of Friday I am down 20 pounds since my last pregnancy visit…that’s actually 3 pounds less than my lowest weight pre-pregnancy. It’s definitely motivating.

But, for the past 12 days I’ve also kind of let myself go. It’s been nice to have wine. It’s been nice to eat more than a few bites without feeling full. It’s been nice to not have heartburn with EVERY SINGLE FOOD that I eat. And really…should we even mention the Easter candy that is finally gone (with much of my help). But not anymore. This week-end has been a “last supper” if you will. I went a little more indulgent, a little more unhealthy, a last hoorah of bad decisions before jumping in wholeheartedly.

It’s time though. I’ve had my share of wine, sugar and fried food. I’m ready to get back on the wagon and really put my heart and soul into this training, eating healthier, and really moving forward with my life. I could say that it’s all about the marathon, but really, it’s more than that. I now have three beautiful, wonderful kids that I want to be around for for many years to come. I’m not only training for a marathon, I’m training for life.

Tonight I raise my glass…to me and all I’m going to accomplish this year, especially the NYC Marathon. Even if I’m last I’m going to kick some ass.

This week’s training goal: 20 miles walking at a rigorous pace

Reinvention?

April 13, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Slow down you crazy child
You’re so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you’re so smart tell me,
Why are you still so afraid?
Where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out
You got so much to do and only
So many hours in a day.” ~Billy Joel

It’s been almost a week since baby #3 has joined our chaotic family. I should probably stop calling her baby #3. Her name is Charlotte Emerson and she was born on Tuesday. I won’t bore you with the baby stuff (like I’m sure I’ve bored almost every single person on Facebook and Instagram) but I will say that she is completely perfect in every way.

While I’ve been on maternity leave since April 2, this kids and pretty much every one I know was on Spring Break last week so it really didn’t hit me until this morning when I had to get up and feed and dress people with the timed deadline of school. Even though everyone slept in later than normal (even ~~the baby~~ Charlotte) we managed to get showered, dressed, fed, and out the door on time and I was able to spend the next few hours completing some random housework, holding Charlotte, and flipping through Netflix unencumbered buy anyone or anything.

I realize it’s only day 1. I realize Charlotte has only been with us for less than a week. But honestly, things are working out better than they were before. I’m trying to figure out if motherhood just agrees with me more, or if it is, in fact, simply maternity leave and time off from a very stressful job that has changed me so completely in just a few short days.

Last night Mike took Charlotte to visit with his parents. I cleaned the main level of the house, made dinner for the boys, and then went outside to enjoy the beautiful weather. After having baby #3 six days ago I’ve never felt more sore, more tired, and more poor in my life. I’ve also never felt happier, more relaxed and more in love with my life. I haven’t been short tempered, or depressed, or annoyed with anything. It made me realize just how much having to go to my job (not work in particular, specifically my job) affects my happiness.

I have 7 weeks off (plus all of summer vacation) to do some real soul searching and think about the direction that my life is heading. The last 10 months of pregnancy were hard on me and I am sure they were hard on my family. I was a pretty miserable person and, in turn, am pretty sure I made them miserable too.

I have this time now, though, without the stressors of work, to get myself together. I keep thinking of it as having a chance to reinvent myself, to become who I really want to become. But I don’t think that’s what I’m really aiming for. Reinvention consists of the idea of remaking or making over. I feel more that I now have the time to focus on becoming the absolute best version of myself. For me, For my friends. And for my family.

I need to slow down more, have more patience, see past faults, be more understanding, be less frustrated, and a myriad of other things. I always felt that what I really needed to discover myself and work towards a better me was time and that’s actually the one thing I have in droves right now. Time.

I raise my glass to toast to the future. To toast to time. To toast to becoming the person I want to be…the person I know I can be. I toast to becoming the best version of me.

Through different eyes

April 3, 2015 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“The greatest gift that you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.” ~Brian Tracey

As the impending due date approaches (it’s actually today) both little ones have been fascinated with baby pictures of themselves. They’re constantly asking me to look through the old photos I have stored on my computer and happily I oblige, loving the trip down memory lane as much as they do. Looking at the old photos convinces me that once this new baby comes into our lives, everything will be ok. The pain and annoyance of pregnancy will have been worth it and while three kids seems daunting, so did 2 under 2 at the time. We all managed those first moments and years relatively unscathed even though we had no real idea what we were doing.

But, as usual, I digress. This post is about one particular picture. While scrolling through the photos, Max made me stop at this one:

I immediately grimace. Four months post-baby and I still looked like I had been hit by a truck. Overweight, unhealthy, unkept. I was probably 60-70 pounds heavier than I am now (at 40 weeks pregnant). My idea of exercise was walking to the car to drive to the grocery store a half a mile away. My idea of a good meal was multiple menu items at 5 Guys. As I focus on everything I hate about this picture, Max looks at me and says

“I love this picture mom. Can we print it?”

“Why do you like it so much?”

“Because it’s me and you together.”

And just like that, my 5 year old has proved he is wise beyond his years, that he is, in fact, smarter than me. Because as I focused on all the things I hate about this picture, all the things that were WRONG with ME, I missed the most important part. The picture captures a moment in time that he and I spent together. While I focused on imperfections, he sees how much I loved him from the beginning.

And with that comment, I see how much he loves me too.

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

March 24, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“People won’t have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.” ~Stephen Hawking

I sit. I stare at the screen. I know what I want to write, but I don’t. I know what I need to say, but the words don’t form. So instead of making myself, instead of just writing anything at all I shut the laptop and reach for the remote and drown my thoughts in crappy TV.

Lately, it seems, all I feel is angry and bitter. Towards my family. Towards my friends. Towards myself. Even towards baby #3. Almost everything makes me hostile. I have been focusing so much on all the can’ts, and the won’ts, and the shouldn’ts and it’s really been eating me up inside. I’m 38 weeks pregnant and even after today’s appointment, the baby isn’t ready to come. I can’t run as fast or as much as I used to and yet all my friends are out there doing it and I feel so resentful toward them. I shouldn’t be as mean and nasty as I’ve been to so many people around me and yet, I continue to do it every day. I can’t get a good night sleep so I’m constantly tired and instead of going to bed earlier, I just blame the husband who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

Do you ever have those moments where it seems like you are outside your own body watching what’s going on? That’s what this feels like. Consciously, I know what I’m doing. I’m literally screaming at myself to stop or shut up, to bite my tongue or walk away but I just don’t. Afterward, not only do I feel terrible, but then the guilt sets in and it’s a downward spiral of shame and doubt and self-loathing until the next wave of anger sets in.

I have all these plans. Big plans. Colossal plans that I want to begin to see into fruition, but I can’t do anything about them until the baby comes. Everyone around me is moving forward, reaching goals, working towards whatever it is that they want to achieve, and here I am stuck. I feel like I can’t do anything; make changes, move forward, anything, until this baby is born.

I’m sitting still and I hate sitting still.

I need to do something. The waiting place is a hard place to be. But I don’t have to make it harder.

The best laid plans…are sometimes better left undone.

January 1, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” ~Robert Burns

I’m a planner. And we had plans.

The kids, for the first time in a month, were going to spend the night at the grandparents house. We were going to make appetizers from Trader Joe’s, have a glass of wine, eat chocolate, and watch really crappy TV. I doubt we would have made it to midnight to see the beginning of 2015, but I would have tried. And it would have been OK because there would have been no little feet padding towards me at 1:30 or 3:45 in the morning needing to go to the bathroom, or an extra hug and kiss, or needing a drink of water.

We had plans. And like the many other times we made plans, they slowly imploded on themselves until none of the original plan was remotely intact.

After shipping everyone off and sitting down to binge watch crappy TV UNINTERRUPTED I received “The Call”. The little one, who hadn’t been feeling so great lately, didn’t want to stay. He just wanted to be home and snuggle with us. My face and spirits fell and I immediately began to cry (chalk it up to pregnancy hormones). I was going to get to watch TV! I was going to get uninterrupted sleep! I was going to stay up past 10!

And then I stopped and really thought about the situation. And guilt replaced my outrage and upset-ness. My little one, who wouldn’t be my little one in 3 short months, wanted to stay home and snuggle with his mom. Why in the world was I upset about this? I admit that we have it rather easy on our end. The kids spend an obscene amount of time with their grandparents giving us ample time off. And here I was wanting more.

I had this whole post written in my head about how, while 2014 was very tough, it was also a year of growth. I was going to write about how 2015 was going to trump last year, I was going to go harder, push more, and ultimately be fierce. This was going to be MY year. It was going to be all about ME and what I wanted to accomplish.

But as always, it’s the smallest things that lead us to see the errors in our ways. I do need to improve, but not in the way I so desperately thought. Instead of constantly needing to pick up new things, try new things, be new, I need to be better at the things I already am. I need to be better at the things that are inevitable (not in a bad way). I need to be better at the things that I already am: mother, wife, friend.

That’s not to say that I will not continue to make time for my running, that I won’t branch out and seek the unknown, but simply that I also need to pay attention to the now, be present in the moment, remember that each day is a gift.

I need to stop trying to go out and be extraordinary and “make” extraneous memories, when my everyday actions are creating memories of their own: reading a book with little O, going for a neighborhood jog with M, feeling Baby 3 kick every moment of the day.

I need to stop thinking “been there, done that” for these moments and realize that each experience, no matter how repetitive or mundane may not be that way for the littles or for others involved.

I need to start appreciating what I have a little bit more.

Maybe I’ve been doing it all wrong

December 29, 2014 / Cassie / 1 Comment

““It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” ~Paulo Coelho

As much as I complain about being a public school teacher, there are some wonderful perks, such as my 12 days of winter break. The first two days were very busy with last minute Christmas shopping, food shopping, house cleaning, getting ready for relatives and trying to give the little ones a semblance of calm in our chaotic days.

We always celebrate with our family during Christmas morning. It starts at 7 and we gather for presents and breakfast. It may seem early, but the benefit is that it is over by 10:30 leaving us the rest of the day to lounge in our pajamas, enjoy our new gadgets, and otherwise veg about.

Usually the days running together with no set schedule and nowhere to be cause me a great deal of anxiety. When my days are less busy, my mind tends to wander and worry, reexamine and remember and these things are never a good combination.

What I found this year is that instead of he foreboding and anxiety I was greeted by an eerie feeling. I felt calm and at peace almost as if so many of the weights I have been carrying around with me were lifted off and simply floated away. I know that not having to go to work definitely made me happier, but it was more than this and I really wish I could do a better job of explaining it.

I feel as if the impending-ness of 2015 made me shed my 2014 skin. Ill feelings I had were erased. Worries that constantly plagued me, while still there, seemed less overwhelming and important. For the first time in a long time, or maybe even in forever, I felt like everything was going to be ok; like everything is exactly as it should be. I feel like I’ve truly let go of all of the baggage that has accumulated in the past few years. I feel like these moments, regrets, fears, mistakes, will no longer rule my life and be a constant influence on the future decisions I make.

I’ve mentioned before how much I love New Years (http://hereswhatimtryingtosay.wordpress.com/2013/12/27/the-time-has-come-the-walrus-said-to-talk-of-many-things/) It’s this wonderfully magical time when you can just start over. I’m not naive enough to think that the world actually resets itself or that you can’t simply start over any other day of the year, but something happens when you get close to a new year. You can feel the difference, the change in the air, the realization that hope is on its way.

I am no longer the person I was when 2014 began, and I really couldn’t be happier with the changes that have occurred, but I think there’s more. I’d like to keep this feeling of peace and calm. I’d like to do better. I’d like to be better. The changes I’ve made to myself are indisputable, but with baby #3 on the way, there is no doubt that I can still grow, I can still change, I can still become a better person, a person that all my children can be proud of.

A person that I can be proud of.

Grace Before Perfection

Mom. Teacher. Wanna-be most things. Lover of almost everything except talking on the phone. Oh, and I read a lot of books. Like an unhealthy amount.

changes