depression

The Forgotten Thank You

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“We met for a reason.  You’re either a blessing or a lesson.” ~Frank Ocean

There are very few things we do without the help of others.  Many times there’s the “overt help”, the help you can see and understand, the type of help that never masks itself as anything other than help.  It’s help simplified or help understood.  We can take it at face value for what it is.

Then there’s the other kind of help.  The help that swoops in wearing a mask.  The help that may take days, or weeks, or even years to show itself.  The help that you are fairly certain is actually not help at all.

This help comes in so many forms: toxic friendships, heart break, depression, fear.  At first, these things are a negative force in our life, ripping us apart from the inside out, tearing us down so much that we believe we may never be able to build ourself up again.  We believe there is no way for us to ever be whole.

But you know what I’ve learned? This is sometimes the best kind of help.  While it may change our lives drastically, many times we come out the other side a little worse for the wear, but seemingly better overall. This is the kind of help that forces us to make decisions, make changes, face our demons.  This is the kind of help that not only changes who we are, but makes us who we are.

Usually we vilify those people who change our lives in this way.  We feel that that they’ve taken some essential part from us and we yearn to get it back, to make ourselves who we once were.  But for me, at least today, I want to say thank you.

Thank you to the toxic friends, without whomI never would have discovered some of the truly amazing people in my life.

Thank you to the those who have caused substantial heartbreak, without which I never would have found running.

Thank you to the depression that has overtaken me on numerous occasions, without which I never would have known how wonderful simple joys can be.

It’s time to put the past behind me and move forward, embracing everything that’s gotten me where I am today, both positive and negative.

I finally think I’m ready.

IMG_9793

Just a Mile

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“If you don’t take the chance to live life, what can you say at the end of it?” ~Naveen Andrews

Two years ago I went through something profound.  My world was complacent and in one day everything became something else.  It was almost as if I put my life into a blender and hit the switch on high.  My world became mixed, tangled, and unrecognizable.  And then the bottom fell out.  I couldn’t breathe.  I lost myself and I had absolutely no hope of salvation.

Then, for no apparent reason, at 7:00 at night, on a random Sunday in September, I decided to go for a run.  I was tired.  I needed to give the kids a bath.  The housework had piled up beyond belief.  But it didn’t matter.  At that moment I had to go running.  I put up my hair, threw on my shoes and headed out the door.  It was slow, it was messy, it could hardly even be classified as a run.

But that run saved my life.  I was able to crawl through the wreckage that was my summer and come out the other side breathing.  I kept running and eventually I was able to run a mile without stopping and that became the marker on which I base my life.

When I would fall off the running wagon, I would continually test myself by running a mile.  When I would fall into a deep depression, I would test myself by running a mile (when I finally emerged). When I drank a little too much wine the night before I would test myself by running a mile.  During my pregnancy I would continually test myself by running a mile.  And now, 4 weeks after having my baby, I tested myself by running a mile…and I was still able to do it.  I would tell myself if I could still run a mile all hope was not lost.  If I could still run a mile there was a chance…of something, anything.

These days, after finishing numerous 5 ks, a 10k , and a half marathon a mile might seem pretty insignificant.  Sometimes on my rest days I head out to run “just a mile”.  But in reality, to me, it was never “just a mile”.  It was so much more.  It was something I wanted for so long and I made a plan, put in the effort, and on the other side came out successful.  It was an accomplishment and it set the tone for the rest of my life.  It was something that could never be lost or taken for me.  It was my mile and I owned it.

Running a mile showed me that what I wanted was important.  Running a mile showed me what I wanted was possible.

It was never “just a mile”.  It was my life.  And with that mile I had saved it.

Hello. My name is quitter.

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.” ~Alysha Speer

I’m feeling lost and have no idea how I am going to find myself again. I feel transient, almost as if I am actually just on the outside looking in. I used to feel so put together. I used to feel like I had a purpose. I used to feel whole. I used to know who I was and now I simply have no clue.

I’ve been feeling this way for a while.  The more I try to think about why I’m feeling this way, the more confused and lost I feel.

It may have to do with being pregnant.   I have to admit, when I first found out I was pregnant I wasn’t thrilled. I had recently found running and had based some of my identity on being a runner (albeit a slow one). I was really worried about how this was going to affect my running. I realize it didn’t have to, but I was so worried about the beginning stages of pregnancy, that I let it. I have almost completely stopped running and without the running my mood has quickly gone sour. I am complaining more. Quitting more. Whining more. Being pessimistic more. And I hate it.

I’ve been letting my role of “mother” take away from all the other roles I love to play: runner, inspirer, friend, wife. And the worst part is, I’ve been letting myself let myself. Yet, when I try to reverse this, when I try to get back to the way things are, I can’t.

It’s not that I don’t know how. I know exactly the steps I need to take. I know exactly what I need to do. But I don’t do it. I make plans. Then I can’t take the steps.

I know I need to get up and run. I just need to do it. And then my alarm goes off in the morning and I go back to sleep, knowing full well that I am going to hate myself in the morning, that I’m going to feel crappier than if I missed that hour of sleep due to running.

Just yesterday, my 3 year old asked me why I don’t go running anymore. Even he has noticed. Even he has seen the effects of my slacked attitude. It’s not just me. It’s not me being oversensitive to the situation.

I feel discouraged because I am so much slower now than I was. I felt like quitting when I realized I wasn’t getting faster, but slower instead. And instead of continually getting slower, I let myself quit altogether.

When I try to explain this to people, I usually get the “It’s ok, because you’re pregnant.” So I sigh and am inwardly happy that I have a “legitimate” excuse that I can use instead of what the real reason is: “I’m scared and I don’t want to fail more than I have so I simply won’t try.” I’m letting pregnancy be my excuse because it’s there, not because it’s the truth. I’m letting it be my excuse because to the outside world, it’s one that is allowed.

But to me it’s not. I’ve come to far to let this go. I’ve overcome heartache and muscle aches and sore everything and yet still kept going. I don’t want to resent my newest little because I quit and blamed it on being pregnant with her.  I don’t want this to be who I am to her and the rest of my family. I don’t want this to be who I am, period.

I need to remember who I was. I need to find me again.

imgres

How am I going to be an optomist about this?

/ Cassie / Leave a comment
“That inner voice has both gentleness and clarity.  So to get to authenticity, you really keep going down to the bone, to the honesty, and the inevitability of something.” ~Meredith Monk
 
I almost started this blog post with “Let me preface this with” but I feel like I’m always starting each post with that.  As if I need to have a preemptive explanation for each of my actions.  When, in actuality, what you see is what you get and that should be good enough for anyone.
 
In the spirit of staying consistent though, let me preface this post by saying that I’m pretty drunk.  And I don’t mean glass of wine drunk, I mean bottle of wine drunk.  So, really, I should probably reread this in the morning because in all actuality I have no idea what I am actually writing. I have so many thoughts running my through my head that I don’t even know what I am thinking right now.  This is so different from my usual “wine-drunk” self where I get giddy-excited and then sleepy.    Right now I am a jumble of emotions and feelings, and frankly, they are somewhat clarifying. 
 
I hate to do things in lists an bullet points, but I think, at this stage of the game, that’s what I need to do.
 
  • I’ve done many things in the past few months that I regret.  Things I shouldn’t have done, things I shouldn’t have dabbled in.  While they have made me not like certain aspects of myself, they have also brought me to where I need to be at this point, so my regrets really do have a positive outcome.  I just need to stop thinking of these things as regrets and start thinking of them as stops along the way to fulfillment.
  • Because of so many choices I have made over the past couple months, I feel like my family has been neglected.  I realize, I’ve made the choice to neglect them, but it doesn’t stop the hurt I feel about making them second in my life.  I need to do better.  There is nothing else that I need to say.  I simply need to be a better family member.
  • Jealousy, especially the jealousy I have felt over the past few months, has eaten me alive at times.  I have never really been a jealous person and I don’t know why it has been affecting me the way it does.  Is my ego bruised?  Am I feeling used?  even more so, am I just feeling unimportant?  I’m sure it is a combination of all of these factors, but I really hate feeling jealous of others.  That whole feeling of thinking that if I were simply someone else my life would be better is bullshit.  It doesn’t suit me well.
  • I’ve been feeling kind of stupid (for lack of a better word) lately because I wasted SO MUCH TIME on people who rarely made the time for me.  Why the hell did I do that?  I have no idea, but really, I can’t believe my self-esteem would be so low as to need to validate my worth through others.  Yet, that’s exactly what I did.  I spent so much time making mountains out of mole hills.  Making myself believe I was more important to people than I actually was, that I started to believe I was only as important as special as THEY made me out to be.  How sad.
  • It’s definitely time for a new job.  I love working in education.  I love working for the betterment of the families of East Baltimore (at least the ones that WANT to move forward) but I don’t know if the classroom is the place for me to be.  I feel like I need to work for a non-profit, or start a non-profit, or something!  But there has go to be something more than this.  This can not be where my career ends up.  I simply won’t let it.

I guess, except for the fact that I simply hate myself for not running this week, that’s it. 

There are no words left, I feel like I’ve said them all.  And I guess that’s better than them eating me up inside.

I guess.