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Self Absorption at it’s Finest

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” ~Marilyn Monroe

As you may have read before, I gave up Facebook…for a day.  I deleted my account last night and I’ll be reactivating it tonight…but not for reasons you might think.  I thought I was getting too obsessed with Facebook; checking it all the time, always posting, wasting time that I could have been doing other things. I figured that without it I would barely pick up my phone.  Instead you know what happened?  I checked Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and my email all day.  I have an app that tracks phone usage and I used it the same amount of time as I had been…without Facebook.

What I realized (besides the fact that I’m addicted to my phone itself and probably should do something about it) is that I’m completely self-absorbed and I do have my tiny Facebook break to thank for that a little bit.  Because of this all the time I spend on my phone, you’d think I’d be the most awesome friend ever, always knowing what is going on in the lives of others.  Engaging, relating, conversing. The reality is less than admirable.

I simply use the damn social medial tools to tell everyone all about me.  I over post assuming that everyone wants to hear all the random crap I have to say.  I over scroll because I can’t seem to be left out of anything and need to know what everyone else it do (and even more embarrassingly, why I’m not included).

In a nutshell, it’s all about me.  I’m as self-absorbed as they come.  And it’s downright shameful.

A while ago I lost a friend.  There’s an amazingly long and heartbreaking story behind the whole ordeal that I won’t bore you with now, but essentially we were friends and now we’re not.  I have spent a large amount of time fixated on this friendship wondering what I did to get to this place, wondering what I could do to make it better.  Me, me, me, I, I, I.  During this time other friendships have come and gone and I’ve barely noticed.  How crappy is that?  People sent messages, tried to make plans, were legitimately interested in the goings on in my life.  And yet, here I was making all kinds of effort for someone who basically didn’t give a shit about me.

Which basically equates to me being a giant tool.

I know I tend to push people away.  Yet, I don’t think this is necessarily about that.  I just know I need to be a better friend to the ones I have. And while Facebook is good for the superficial aspect, I need to do a better job of being a friend in “real life”.   I need to engage, work, try, and make an effort.

If not, I may not have anyone left.

What I mean to say is…

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ~Lao Tzu

Life has a way

Sometimes, wanting to change

When you don’t know where to start, just start.

Charlie has become obsessed with my phone.  Sometimes I flip through random crap while I’m feeding her because, while I know this is a perfect bonding time, this is also one of the few times I have when more than one kid is not climbing all over my body.  When it started she would simply turn her head towards the light.  Now, she stops eating and begins grabbing at it.  She’s not even four months old yet and already she is falling into the technology trap.

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m addicted to my phone. I’d like say that I mostly use it for music, my running apps, and looking up random crap on Google when my kids need to know something that I don’t know (life span of a cicada anyone?).  But in the interest of full disclosure, that’s a load of crap.  Most of my time is spent checking Facebook.  And I’m pretty ashamed to admit it.

Half the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  It’s like my finger is drawn to that little blue icon of its own free will.  I’ll start scrolling through and randomly liking pictures and statues without even realizing what I’m doing.  There’s also the posting, as if I feel that I need to share every little thing with all my “friends”.

And if we’re being really, really honest there’s the Facebook stalking: the checking of statuses, pictures, profiles of people I’m “friends” with (and even those I’m not “friends” with).  What, oh what, have I become?

I compare.  I judge.  I check.  I get depressed by things I learn.  And all of this is ridiculous. It’s Facebook.  Facebook.  I’m getting worked up and sad over freaking Facebook.  I’m a 34 year old high schooler.

I read this great article the other day.  Ironically, it popped up on Facebook.  And three days later I’ve read it 10 times.  I know this is what I need to do.  For me.  For my family.  And even for my marathon training.

The sad thing is, pretty much everyone I interact with on Facebook, I also interact with in the “real world”.  We text, we chat, we hang out.  And yet, I feel like I need the validation of this friendship online as well…and I shouldn’t.

I could just delete that little icon or simply not log in.  But I know that won’t happen.  So I need it gone completely.  Just for a little while.  Just to detox.  A week, maybe two.

I’ll see you on the flip side.

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Remember when we were friends…

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” ~Jane Austen

Shockingly enough this is not a post about being a mother.  Nor is it a post about running or some form of transformation I hope to create for myself.  This is, in simplest terms, a post about friendship.  I’m not quite sure where in my sub-conscious it formed, but I know it’s a story I need to tell.

Earlier today I received a text from a friend saying she saw a certain friend of mine having lunch with someone else I knew.  It was semi-shocking news knowing these two people have a tumultuous history, but nothing completely out of the ordinary.  What struck me most was the fact that for awhile, this friend and I had been rather close, inseparable even, and now it hard to remember when I last talked to or even saw this person (actually, it was December 2013, so about a year and a half ago).  While the “conversation” didn’t really make me miss this particular  friendship per se, it did get me thinking about the idea of friendship in general.  In the most juvenile terms it really had me thinking “what happens when you’re not friends with your friends anymore?”

Last August I wrote this post about friendship.  I talked about how amazing my friends were at helping me through a really tough summer after my dad died.  And yet, out of the four people I named in that post, I haven’t seen two of them since last July, and one of them, I haven’t even “talked” to except maybe once or twice via text.  That’s not to say that I don’t think about these people or wonder about them or even miss them, but it’s just interesting how one minute someone can be one of the most important people in your life and the next minute you have trouble remembering the last time you had a meaningful experience with them.

I can literally name maybe five people that I am legitimately friends with at this moment, but in full disclosure, I tend to just have a few close friends instead of a large amount of acquaintances anyway.  I think in the era of the “Facebook Connection” we tend to think we have more friends than we do.  We think that all these social media platforms are helping us, but rather they are actually harming us and our friendships.  We, as a society (me very much included)  don’t feel the need to reach out and keep a tangible connection to the people in our lives because people are “right there” with the touch of a button.  These quick connections take all the effort out of maintaining a friendship and friendships, like any relationship requires work.  We post posts or like photos with the feeling that we are keeping some form of connection going when, really, are we?

And what happens when someone, a friend, doesn’t like out photo or our post?  Half the time we run through the following thoughts and questions: Are they mad at us?  Are they being petty or jealous?  Do they agree with me and my opinion? Or maybe, the thought that never occurs to us, maybe they don’t spend every minute on social medial and didn’t see the actual post.

I realize I went off on a little bit of  a tangent and with all my post-pregnancy brain-ness I don’t really know where this was going in the first place.  But I think what I’ve gotten out of it is that I need a break.  A break from all the wondering.  A break from trying to figure out people or even figure out where I stand.  A break from feeling like I’m losing something that wasn’t ever really mine in the first place.  A break from the second guessing of certain friendships and relationships when I have a house of people right here to focus on.

Because you can’t fight for everyone, especially those people who don’t want to stay in the first place.

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Until we meet again…

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“You shouldn’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself. Every so often, everyone needs to give themselves a big ol’ bear hug and treat themselves to some TLC.” ~Sean Covey

I feel like this every year, at least once, but especially around this time.  The crushing feeling of being overwhelmed by the shear force of life.  I’d like to think that it’s simply because of crunch time at work.  I’d like to think it’s just because of the amount of money needed to sustain a family through the holidays.  I’d like to think it’s the looming deadline of baby 3 approaching quicker than I can prepare.  I’d like to think that it’s the idea of endings and beginnings coming in a few short weeks.

I’d like to think it’s just one of these things.  But in reality it’s all of them…happening at the exact same time.

I tend to have problems feeling overwhelmed.  I can’t even go to places like Target during busy times because I immediately just want to shut down and get completely exhausted at the thought.  I wish I handled stress better.  I wish in the almost 34 years I have been alive, I would understand what to do in these situations, before they even get overwhelming.

I feel like I’ve lost my way.  I’ve been yelling way too much, trying to escape way too much, instead of getting to the root of why I feel this way and actually doing something about it.   I haven’t been that nice to my family. I’ve haven’t been that nice to my friends.  I haven’t been that nice to myself.  I simply haven’t been the person that I want to be, the person I know I can be.

I’m caught up, once again, with the feelings of inadequacy, longing, and simply “keeping up” with those around me instead of living my life in the simple way, with the simple moments that I crave so much.

It’s time to take a break, from all the competition, the Facebook syndromes, the constant need to be the best.  It’s time to refocus on the important things.  As I tell my students, I need to “worry about me” instead of constantly worrying about what is going on around me.

I need to stop thinking that if I’m not constantly “connected” that I am going to miss something important.  It’s because I’m so overly connected that I actually AM missing the important things that are going on all around me.

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Who’s got W-I-L-L-P-O-W-E-R? Not me…

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“Willpower is trying very hard not to do something you want to do very much.” ~ John Ortberg

Things have been going well and not well all at the same time.  Is that even possible?  I’ve been pretty sad lately because a knee injury has sidelined my workout and running efforts.  I probably could have worked out this week, but it was hard to motivate myself knowing I was going to be in pain.  Running was simply out of the question, as it hurt just to walk sometimes.  I got back on the scale and was happy to see I had not gained anything, especially during my crappy eating binge of our snow days.  There were times I should have said no when I whole heartedly said yes and it was reassuring to see that the healthy band wagon didn’t get too far ahead and I am still able to jump back on.

I realize, though, especially during these snow days, that I have a terrible problem with willpower.  The fact seems to be that I don’t have any, or at the very least, I seemed to have misplaced it somewhere around the end of spring.  I’ve tried finding it, but have not had any luck.  I was doing so well last winter.  Eating healthy, working out, letting myself have random treats when I needed them, but for the most part saying no to those things that were going to harm me in the long run (I only ate a small piece of a homemade red velvet birthday cake last year, so that should tell you something).  I had gotten to the point where saying no felt good.  I wasn’t doing it to be pretentious or show that I was better than anyone else or that I could say no when others were saying yes.  I simply knew what that piece of cake/glass (bottle) of wine/cheeseburger was going to cost me in the long run and how I was going to feel if I gave in to the fleeting wanting; to that small dose of happiness I would feel during, but not after.  After, of course, I was going to feel like utter crap.

But lately, the “cravings” are getting the best of me and while I still feel like crap when I give in, I keep going back for more anyway. Part of the reason I deleted my Facebook account was that I was spending too much time on there when I should have been concentrating on other things (work, family, in-real-life friends).  I was wrapped up in this world of needing to know what someone ate for dinner last night, who went out with who, looking at photos, and spending too much time in the past.  And you know what? Every time I did it, spent way too much unconstructive time online, spent too much time on profiles that I have no reason to be on anymore, read conversations that had absolutely nothing to do with me, I felt gross.  Almost as if I had eaten an entire chocolate cake.  I’d get upset because I wasted time, jealous because I wasn’t invited somewhere, hungover on information I did not need.

I spent too weeks off Facebook and really did manage to get more done.  My basement is spotless.  My bed was made everyday. I read three magazines.  I was amazed at my willpower.  I couldn’t believe that I, a self-proclaimed Facebook junkie, had kicked the bad Facebook habit.

But you know what?  I hadn’t.  I had deleted my Facebook account, I had deleted the apps from my phone and iPad.  I had deleted the book mark from my computer.  There really wasn’t an easy way for me to get back on without having to re-log in or re-download something.  Essentially it wasn’t willpower.  Willpower would have been having access to it, but making the conscious decision not to get back on. I made it close to impossible for me to get back on.  Willpower would have been keeping my account, but forcing myself to limit my interactions and time online.  I made it so there was no choice to make.  I took the easy way out, the cowardly way out.

And really, the whole Facebook issue is reminiscent of most of the issues I have with my life.  I lack the willpower to say no or make a better decision.  Even when I know that what I am doing is the wrong choice I simply do it anyway because I can’t say no.  And really, I can, but it’s hard and sometimes I don’t know what I want.

But instead of taking the easy way out, I need to “man” up.  I need to learn to do what is best for me in the long run, not what is going to be a fleeting source of happiness.  I have to stop being so blind sided by what is right in front me and begin looking at the big picture.  I have to realize that pretty much everything is OK in moderation…but I need to make sure I am moderating (food, time online, time with family, etc.)

I’ve seen what I can accomplish when the challenge was easy.  Now let’s see what I can do when we up the ante.