healthy

A Numbers Game

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

My life has revolved around numbers lately.  The littlest one moving on from eight months to nine months, the numbers in my back account slowly dwindling, the numbers on the scale slowly rising.  I’m trying my hardest to get control of them all but it seems that every time I make strides in one area I wind up taking two steps back in another.

I was thinking of all these things that I want to do: vacations I want to take, races I want to run, experiences I simply want to have and I never really feel like I have enough money to do any of them.  So I decided I would look over my back account and (multiple) credit card statements and add up all the extraneous money I spent for one month: liquor store, eating out, morning coffee purchases, late fees for certain things.  I didn’t think it would be that much, but when the number stared stared back at me on my calculator I almost died.

$900

Yes, you read that right NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS.  Not nine, not ninety, but nine hundred freaking dollars.  No wonder I am not taking an vacations to Charleston or making a dent in my credit card payments.  It’s because I’m too busy buying Chinese food and wine.  Which would also explain why I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last 8 months.  Because apparently all I do is eat and drink calorie laden shit.

But I’ve noticed little things lately: the pants getting a little tighter, my energy waning, more guilt over food choices I am making.  And who has time for this.  I don’t.  Not at (almost) 35.  Not with three kids.  Not with the goals and hopes I have.

The scale has become my nemesis, staring at me with her skinny, glassy body every time I enter the bathroom.  I step on.  Close my eyes.  And pray.  I pray that I don’t see a certain number.  Or that it didn’t go up AGAIN.  But ever since I stopped really running in the fall and ever since stopped training for my marathon it has been creeping up ever so slowly.  I’m not going to list the number, but lets just say my middle number has changed twice and if I don’t get a handle on it soon, my first number will as well.  And I can’t have that.  I can’t go back to that first number.  I’ve worked too damn hard.

I’ve decided to use January as kind of a cleanse.  Shedding off the old mistakes that I made in December (and month’s prior) and trying to change my behavior into more positive choices.

  1. Make coffee at home.  Sure, it’s not my venti iced skinny vanilla latte, but it also costs way less than $6.00.
  2. No alcohol.  At least for January.  I want to see how I feel without it.  And my wallet needs to see how it feels without it as well.
  3. Healthy, non-processed food.  I want to train for the AirBnB Brooklyn Half Marathon (more on this later) and I need to do it right this time.  Healthy nutrition in…positive energy out.
  4. Stop eating out.  In December we were sick, I was stressed, we were tired.  And most nights I would come home and just not want to cook.  So I didn’t.  Of course, this affects everyone in the family, and I need to be setting a better example for the littles in my life.

Hopefully with these four changes I can begin to see a difference: more energy, better sleep, focused running and exercise, and more real life experiences.

I’m tired of simply wishing I could do and be more.

Let’s do this, January.

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The Truth Will Set You Free

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“Let’s start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.” ~Maria (The Sound of Music)

While I may not always see myself that way, people have told me I am inspiring and motivating.  Really, these are the best compliments I have ever gotten.  If me getting my lazy butt off the couch helps someone else get moving, that is awesome.  I tend to be an “over poster” on Facebook but I figured by starting another blog, a place where people can come to get inspired, it could help alleviate some of that traffic.

I’ve been trying to write this post for about a week now, but never seem to know how to start.  As with most major life changes, starting always seems to be the problem.  Running, writing, working out, completing projects…once I’m in the middle I know I’ll finish, but that’s only if I am able to get past “the starting”.

But here goes: my story.

I guess you could say it all began with a trip to Oregon.  I was heading out there for an educational conference. At first I was excited.  A trip to the West Coast with a bunch of friends from work and a few days off from the kids to go along with it.  What’s not to love?

Then I remembered that I would have to take an airplane.  Then I remembered I would have to fit into an airplane seat and buckle my seat belt.  Then I remembered every single article I have ever come across about airlines who kick people off the plane for being too fat.  Images of Kevin Smith came swimming to the forefront of my consciousness.  Suddenly, I remembered that maybe I would miss my kids and I shouldn’t go after all.

I belonged to a gym, joined in some arbitrary moment of “I can do this!” but at that point my workouts consisted of the 3 minutes I could stand on the elliptical or treadmill and then 30 minutes on the sit down bike.  Throw in a couple of easy strength exercises on the machines, and I thought I was actually accomplishing something.  The fear of getting on the plane and being embarrassed in front of people I had to work with motivated me to do something I had never done before…buy a scale.

After searching for what seemed like hours at a K-mart next to the gym, I finally found one.  I raced home, carried it up to the bathroom, and after ripping off every ounce of clothing and all hair accessories that could add weigh (I actually contemplated cutting my hair), I gingerly stepped on the scale.

331.

No, that is not a typo.  That was the actual number.  And while I didn’t want it to be true, I knew it was.  I sat down on the bathroom floor and cried for about 10 minutes.  How had it gotten this bad?  How had I let myself get this far gone?  Once I got control of myself, I got up, got dressed, and came up with a plan.  That summer I worked my butt off and in two months (right before my flight) I had lost 20 pounds.  I know that’s not a lot, but to me it was everything.  It represented that I could actually do this.

Long story short, they didn’t kick me off the plane, though I did need a seat belt extender.  But the heart wrenching fear I felt as I approached that first plane was probably the worst in my life. I didn’t sleep for nearly a week.  I vowed that I would continue working out when I got home and would get myself to a healthy place.

And I did.  For awhile. Until once again, life got in the way.  That fall I worked out here and there, but nothing significant.  Between two kids under 3, teaching kindergarten, and trying to be a good wife and mother, I never seemed to find time for the gym.  Finally in January, after realizing I had gained back 12 pounds (bringing me back up to 321) a friend and I decided to sign up for the Y-fit challenge (the YMCA’s version of the biggest loser).  And through that I fell in love with working out.  I lost about 35 pounds, completed (walked) my first 5-K and began to gain back some of the confidence I so desperately needed.

And then, as most stories go, my world turned upside down.  During the summer (on my last day of school) my dad died.  We had a rather tumultuous relationship and hadn’t communicated in years.  Because of this, I didn’t think his death would really affect me.  But it did.  In ways that I will never quite understand.  And the gym took a back burner yet again.  Luckily, I only gained about 5 pounds, but by the time school started again, I was a jumbled wreck.  I didn’t know what was up or down or right or wrong.  All I knew was that I needed something to change.  I needed to be saved.

So I went for a run.  And really, that is the true beginning of my story.  Because on that day I was reborn.  I learned that I can decide how my life is going to go.  I am in charge of myself, my decisions, and my happiness.  I can decide to begin to heal, and grow, and change for the better.  And I did. Or, at the very least I’m in the process. In January, on the eve of my 33 birthday, I hit my 60 pound mark.  And I’m still going.

Over the months I ran occasionally, went to the gym, got injured, and then began again and again.  I started and stopped so many times that I can’t even keep track.  The most important thing?  Every time I stopped, I started again.  I remember the first day I was able to complete one mile without stopping.  I remember the first 5k I was able to completely run.  Just recently I completed my first 10k.  

I was looking back on old pictures today.  Pictures from pre-kids, pictures from post-kids, pictures from last year, last week, last month and I can’t believe the difference.  It’s not even just the weight, but the confidence, the happiness, the fact that there are more pictures now than there were before.  These are all indicators that maybe this time is the right time.  Maybe I’m finally exactly where I need to be.

Some days running feels so easy.  Others, I want to die.  I’m faster than I used to be, but still super slow.  But I am a real runner.  We all are.  Even those that don’t run because the potential to run is in there.

And at 263 pounds I am currently running about 20 miles a week and training for my first half marathon in the fall.  While I still have so far to go, I’ve never felt better.  I’m ready to begin this new chapter in my life.

I had to start and stop, begin and end, give up and keep going, numerous times to get to this point.

But if I can do it, so can anyone.  If I can do it, so can you.

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In vino veritas…unless you’re giving it up

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

If you read my last post, you know I did something completely insane.  I signed up for a half marathon.  And I don’t just mean “signed up”.  I mean paid a rather large entrance fee to run with other people who are “real runners” and huff and puff for 13.1 miles…after which  I will promptly die.  I know I am NOWHERE close to being ready for it yet, but the half marathon isn’t until October, so I know I have time to get there.

After making the commitment, I decided that I should actually get serious about it.  Since I’ve only been running off and on for a few months, a couple times a week at most I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing.  I don’t know a lot about “training” or pacing or any of that other runner lingo, so I did what anyone else in my position would do…took to the computer.  So, after much internet (Pinterest) research I created a plan that includes running and cross training and takes me to June.  This is the first week in my training plan and I’m proud to say as long as I complete my short run tomorrow, I will have followed it every day.  It’s crazy to see that my first week I’m only running 8 miles, but by June, I’m up to about 25 per week.

With getting serious about the training plan, I feel like I also need to get serious about other things, such as food, getting enough sleep, and de-stressing.  And because of that, I think it’s time to say good-bye to the wine.  Now, you wouldn’t know if from my facebook account, but I actually don’t drink that much.  But, it’s probably more than I should, I know it’s taking the place of the water I should be drinking on certain nights.  Now, I’m not saying I’m completely giving it up.  There is nothing stopping me from having a glass out with friends after work, or toasting at a wedding, but I think it’s just time to take a break from it, especially at home, and see where this leads me.

Honestly, if I’m going to do this running thing, I want to really do it and I want to do it right.  I love it and it has changed me in more ways than most people know.

I can already see so many changes since picking running back up last month.  I can go for miles (yes plural) without having to stop.  I’m not as out of breath.  I’m not as sore afterwards.  2 miles no longer seems like an eternity (though that first mile is always the hardest), in fact, to me it feels super short.  Even tonight when I attempted to take the kids out with me on a 2 mile run, they got tired before I did.  I used to simply get tired watching them play.  And that was really the most amazing thing.

I’ve also seen changes in my mood.  I’m happier, less stressed, and have a more positive outlook.  Sure, I still vent and get upset, but not to the degree I used to.

So, a toast to how much I’ve put behind me and all the things I have to look forward to in the future.  A toast to say goodbye to a stress reliever I don’t need as much any more.

A final toast with a fancy bottle for a most important occasion.

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For the days when you hate everything…

/ Cassie / 2 Comments

“When something bad happens you have three choices: let it define you, let it destroy you, or let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown

I actually had a pretty good day today. The day went smoothly.  My kids ACTUALLY got math today.  I got through everything in my lesson plan.  I received a compliment from my principal. I finally felt like things at work were going well for once.  I was excited that I was going to the gym after work.  I was going to get in the run I missed this morning and get in some weights.

Then I got to the gym and realized I forgot my headphones (I was even going to steal some from lost and found, but there were none). And then I realized I didn’t have my running shoes and the shoes I was wearing were NOT conducive to running.  I wound up putting in a lame 20 minutes on the elliptical and left.

I got home and the kids were in a mood from no nap.  I only get them early in the morning or at night and they seem to ALWAYS be in a mood. I checked the weather and realized it is supposed to rain tomorrow which means no morning run and no workout at the gym due to no car.  And at that moment, I just fell apart.  I mean, like literally lost it.  Big, fat crocodile tears, hiccuping sob lost it.

I didn’t get a real workout in.  The stupid f*cking scale isn’t moving.  The kids were screaming.  I was hungry.  I wasn’t going to meet my daily goals.  In a nutshell, I hated everything.

After I was finally able to calm down (with a little help, thank you husband and prosecco) I decided to try my best to see the bright side of things.  I was looking for any little glimmer of positive in my humdrum afternoon.  And this is what I came up with:

1. It is OK to take a day off.  It is OK to have an off day.  It is OK to have a day where you do nothing and just relax.

2.  Goals are goals.  They are meant to be there in order to guide you and motivate you, but they are not the end all, be all of your existence.  If you don’t meet your goal one day, it’s OK.  You have tomorrow to make it happen.  Work harder.  Focus more.  Improve upon yesterday.  I have to stop basing my happiness on whether or not I meet my goals.  That should not define me.

3. If you’re hungry, eat. I mean, if you are actually hungry.  Don’t eat because you’re bored, or depressed, or angry.  Eat if you need to, and if not, find an activity you can be excited about.

4. It takes work.  Everything takes work.  I am not going to run a half marathon tomorrow.  I am not going to run a 5K tomorrow.  But I can work towards that goal. Point it, I just have keep going.  Even when I want to give up.  Even when I think I am not getting anywhere.  Even when I hate everything.  I just HAVE TO KEEP GOING.

Maybe it’s good that I got so upset about missing a workout and not meeting my goals.  It means I care.  It means I am not ready to give up yet.  It means this is important to me.  And really, no matter what I do, the important thing is that I DO something.

Accomplishments

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“Always focus on how far you’ve come, rather than how far you have left to go.” ~Unknown

This has been a good, but trying week.  It’s been the “get back on the horse” week for me.  I’ve been trying to make sure I eat healthy, work out more, get back into my running.  I hadn’t run for almost 2 weeks before Monday.  This week, I wound up running five days and going to the gym once.  My times were dismal to say the least.  My distances were pretty bad as well, not up to what I had been doing at all before my “break”.  I was tired, cranky and sore all week.  On top of all the exercise, my weight wasn’t really moving, which was adding to the cranky.  As it turns out I was eating almost 1000 calories too little each day.  Now, I have to try to figure out what to eat, and when, and how to add lots of good calories, making this ordeal even more stressful.

I know it’s going to get better.  I know I will get used to the early mornings again.  I know I will not always feel this sore and tired as my body gets used to this “abuse”.  I know I will figure out when to eat so I am not so constantly hungry (which means reaching for the closest thing, which usually turns out as something bad for me).

I realized that part of the reason I was feeling “defeated” was the fact that I was, again, concentrating on the negative instead of the positive.  I was focusing on how far I still need go, instead of how far I’ve come.  And honestly, while I haven’t come as far as I like, or as far as I could have because of certain derailments, I’ve come pretty damn far.

Here is a list of things things that have changed, for me, for the better since January.

1. I’ve lost 45 pounds.  I’ve gained a little and lost a little, but bottom line, 45 pounds is amazing.  It’s the size of a four year old.  Whenever I feel down, I look at Max and realize…wow, I lost THAT.

2. I can touch my toes.  Without bending my knees.  For an extended period of time.  Not only that, I can go past my toes and touch the floor.  Awesome doesn’t begin to cover it.

3. I can run a mile.  While it’s a slow (and I mean SLOW) mile, I can run a mile without stopping.  Back in January, I couldn’t even run a minute without feeling winded.  I’m not joking.  I tried Couch to 5K and literally wanted to kill myself after day one.  And now, a whole freaking mile.  And hopefully, in November, a whole 3.1 miles.

4. I changed a very significant number in my weight.  The first number.  Details not needed, but I will never see that number at the beginning of my weight again.  Mark my words.  I won’t.

5. I can now wear shirts with just ONE X in the front.  I know that this means I still have work to do, but for me, this is huge (pun intended).

6. I now get more excited about buying running gear than I do about “regular” clothes.  I love running shoes and I actually buy them for more than just being pretty (though pretty helps).  I don’t care that my tight running pants probably don’t look that great on me.  When I am running in them, I feel great.  And that is really the only thing that is important.

7. I actually like running.  Granted, I kinda don’t like it when I’m in the middle of it, but the feeling I have at the end of running is priceless.  I can’t even describe the feeling (nor do I want to) but it’s better than any feeling I’ve ever had.  Sublime euphoria is an understatement…

8. Not only do I like exercise now (I KNOW!) I also understand the importance of it.  It’s no longer about trying to look pretty or or fit into certain clothes, but it’s about being healthy, being around longer for my boys, and genuinely just feeling good about myself.  It’s been too long since I have felt that way.

9. My confidence has definitely improved.  I no longer hide.  I no longer shy away from conflict.  I am no longer afraid of asking for what I want. I no longer think I don’t deserve good things to happen to me.

10. I’m inspiring others.  People are reading about my journey and following me, and it’s encouraging them to get moving.  And really, that is one of the things that is keeping me going.  Knowing there are people out there who are changing some small aspect of their life because of me, is humbling, heartwarming, and completely encouraging.

I’m sure there are 100 other things I am forgetting, but these are the top 10.  I’m pretty proud of them.

And for the first time, in probably my whole life, I’m pretty proud of myself.

Miles to go in the 100 Mile Challenge: 57.15
Pound to go by January 1st: 25 (haven’t weighed in)

And…of course, there’s this…(January to October)

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Running for Something

/ Cassie / 2 Comments

“In running, it doesn’t matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the pack, or last. You can say, ‘I have finished.’ There is a lot of satisfaction in that.” ~Fred Lebow, New York City Marathon co-founder“

I had a good week-end.  And, truly, it’s been a while since I have been able to say that.  It wasn’t good in the sense that I accomplished a lot, or made substantial contributions to society.  It was good in the sense that I started the week-end happy and ended the week-end happy.  There were no fights, no drama, no big jobs to get through, nothing pressing, making me stressed or unhappy about what the future holds.

I think this also has to do with the fact that my motivation is slowly, but surely, being restored.  I think one of the biggest problems I’ve had in this whole weight loss/getting healthy process is that I am constantly looking outward for motivation – looking for other people to motivate me and get me going – and that is something I need to stop.

I need to keep this thing going, because I know this is a lifelong process.  In order to do that, I have to start believing that my motivation can come from within – that I am capable of motivating myself.  I decide to look back over the past four months and see what I have already accomplished, so I know that I can keep going forward.

1. I have officially lost 42 pounds since January.  I can sit here and rattle on about how this is a big deal, but really, this speaks for itself.

2. I am officially down 3-4 pants sizes.  I can officially fit into shirts that only have one X in front of them as opposed to, well, more than one.

3. While I did not run the whole thing, I completed a 5K, something I never thought I would do.

4. I realized that the things that used to bring me so much comfort, non-healthy food and wine, are still fine…in moderation.  I don’t need them the way I used to think I did.

5. It’s ok to care what I look like and give a damn about my appearance…within reason.  As long as I feel good about myself that’s what matters.  And I have definitely seen an increase in my confidence.  While I don’t seek out the spotlight, I no long try to hide or avoid.

6. This whole process started as a way to get healthy in order to keep up with my kids and be around for them for as long as I could.  While this is still important, it’s not about that anymore.  It’s about me and the things I want to do and acomplish…and this is OK.

This week-end I was so proud of the new decisions I was making.  I’ve begun putting things in perspective to see what I really want in life.  I was shopping at the Gap (again, something I couldn’t do before) when I found a very cute dress that I really wanted to buy.  Once I looked at the price tag ($67) I realized that instead of buying this dress, I could buy the running shoes I wanted.  It hit me then, that running and exercise have become important to me.  Important enough to sacrifice something else in order to be able to keep going. This is probably the biggest deal of all.  It’s no longer that I need to exercise…it’s that I want to.

Exercise has become somewhat of a saving grace.  There were weeks that I would have to get on the scale every day because the weight loss was the reason I was doing all this.  I haven’t been on the scale in two weeks, because I’ve realized it’s not about that anymore.  Exercise gives me time to clear my head and really think.  Something I don’t always get the luxury to do with a full time job and kids.  Even running, which I am NOT good at at all, has become a new goal, something for me to strive towards, something to work for, a new accomplishment waiting for me to conquer.

Because in the end, I may not run hard or fast, but at least I can say that I run.