hope

Just a few tweaks

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

It’s my last day at home before school starts back up without the kids, so I allowed myself to have a rather lazy morning. I stayed in bed until 9. Got some stuff done around the house. Ate a random breakfast/lunch combination around 11. Worked on a budget for next month, complete with cash envelopes. Binge watched way too much Gilmore Girls while doing all of this. You know, the usual.

I finally decided around 1 to get into the shower because after a week of knots and dry shampoo it was time to wash my hair. As I’m standing there dragging the bamboo comb through my hair, hating how long I know it was going to take to wash my hair, eyeing the amount of hair now in my comb after fighting with the knots, I decided the only logical thing was to grab the scissors from my desk drawer and chop a few inches off.

So I did.

As I shampooed my much shorter hair in the shower, it occurred to me that this haircut could be a mistake. It might look like crap. I have no idea what I am doing. People go to school for this nonsense and here I am hacking away at a pony tail with a pair of scissors that came with my boyfriends tool kit. And then, right as I was yelling at myself for being such a damn fool, I did something I don’t normally do.

I told myself to stop.

There is nothing that can be done about this now, so beating myself up about the choice wasn’t doing anyone any good, especially not me.

I can sit here all day long and regret this decision. I can let it make me sad and depressed. I can berate myself for being so spontaneous and not thinking things through…again. I could do all of these things. And usually I would.

But today I realized that even if I put all this energy into being sad and feeling regret, my hair will still be short. The inches of hair will still be in the trash. Nothing at this point will change that. So why waste the effort and the energy. Time to move on, hope for the best, and if not, invest in more pony tail holders (THANK GOD, it still is long enough to be pulled back).

You know what, though? It doesn’t look that bad. I mean, it needs a few tweaks here and there, but for the most part, I’m pretty happy with it. Just like my life. I realize now, I’m pretty happy where I am in my journey. I just need a few tweaks here and there.

Sounds about right.

Self help

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“Remember your name. Do not lose hope – what you seek will be found.” ~Neil Gaiman

For the past couple days I haven’t been able to run and I have felt horribly cranky and awkward, short tempered and short breathed. I know that running has something to do with it.  Without running, I haven’t been myself. But what does that say about me?  Running is so ingrained in who I am that I don’t know who I am without it.  And I need to find out.

I began running as a way to cope with heart break and loss, but without it I feel like I’m right back there again, which means only one thing: I haven’t actually changed.  I’m simply a conglomeration of the old and the new;  a mixed up conundrum of personhood.

At some point down the road I lost my way.

It happened gradually rather than all at one.  A left when I should have gone right.  A zig when I should have zagged.  Staying long on the highway when I should have taken the exit.

And I’ve been here before.

I’ve made so many mistakes.  Mistakes that I know better than to dwell on, but I do anyway.  Mistakes that have made navigating certain roads impossible, almost as if my car was on autopilot.  I see myself making decisions, knowing they are bad ones, and yet I make them anyway.  I know what I am supposed to be doing and I don’t.

I need to get out of the woods.  I need to find my path.  I need to return to me.

I’m lost.  And I’m not sure if I can be found.

Being-lost

Yesterday was a good day.

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“Running is like life, it’s a long journey, but well worth it.” ~Unknown

I needed yesterday. More than you know.

I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with the lovely pregnancy insomnia that has plagued me for weeks. It was also our first day without a delay or a day off in a week so the thought of working a full day was already tiring. When I couldn’t get back to sleep I decided just to get up and go for a run.

I hadn’t run in over a month and the entire month I felt off. February was rough. I had an extremely short temper with pretty much anyone that came in contact with me. I was angry, hostile, bitter. I felt like I hated the world. I felt like a terrible parent, a terrible wife, and a terrible friend. I blamed these feelings on the pregnancy and on the hormones, but really, what I think happened was that I just didn’t run.

Running has always been my therapy. As a kindergarten teacher and a mother, I don’t get much time to myself. Add pregnancy into the mix and most of the time that I had to myself had me being way too tired to do anything anyway.

I could tell you why I stopped for a month. I could tell you it was because the doctor recommended it (which she did, a least until 36 weeks), or because I was too busy, or because I was too tired. And for the most part all of these things are true. But the real reasons I stopped are far more shallow. I didn’t have a real goal to work towards to I slacked off. I got tired of seeing my mile times increase and increase some more. I got tired of seeing the scale go up incrementally.

So I stopped. I figured what’s the point. I would just sit around for the next few weeks and be lazy and grow a baby.

But what I’ve found is that I can’t stop. I need running. Like I need air. Like I need food. Like I need my family. I need it like my life depends on it. Because for all intents and purposes, it does.

So yesterday was important. Yes, I was more tired and sore than normal. But it didn’t matter. For the first time in a month I felt like me again. I felt positive. I felt ready. I felt alive.

So it’s time. It’s time to stop worrying about my time. It’s time to stopping thinking, period, and just run. Because you never know what amazing things lie on the horizon. And I know whatever they are, I can conquer them with my eyes wide open and my heart ready for anything.

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