Honestly So…

January 21, 2016 / Cassie / Leave a comment

This is hard. Harder than I thought.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so sad. Or so defeated. Or so alone.

One minute I have the utmost conviction that this is what I am supposed to do…that this is what I need to do.

To save our family. To save us. To save me.

And the next minute I think, maybe this is my lot in life…the idea of almost.

Almost happy. Almost in love. Almost understanding.

Today was not a good day, but I held it together.

And for now, that’s more than enough.

In fact, it’s all I can do.

A Numbers Game

January 4, 2016 / Cassie / Leave a comment

My life has revolved around numbers lately. The littlest one moving on from eight months to nine months, the numbers in my back account slowly dwindling, the numbers on the scale slowly rising. I’m trying my hardest to get control of them all but it seems that every time I make strides in one area I wind up taking two steps back in another.

I was thinking of all these things that I want to do: vacations I want to take, races I want to run, experiences I simply want to have and I never really feel like I have enough money to do any of them. So I decided I would look over my back account and (multiple) credit card statements and add up all the extraneous money I spent for one month: liquor store, eating out, morning coffee purchases, late fees for certain things. I didn’t think it would be that much, but when the number stared stared back at me on my calculator I almost died.

$900

Yes, you read that right NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS. Not nine, not ninety, but nine hundred freaking dollars. No wonder I am not taking an vacations to Charleston or making a dent in my credit card payments. It’s because I’m too busy buying Chinese food and wine. Which would also explain why I’ve gained 20 pounds in the last 8 months. Because apparently all I do is eat and drink calorie laden shit.

But I’ve noticed little things lately: the pants getting a little tighter, my energy waning, more guilt over food choices I am making. And who has time for this. I don’t. Not at (almost) 35. Not with three kids. Not with the goals and hopes I have.

The scale has become my nemesis, staring at me with her skinny, glassy body every time I enter the bathroom. I step on. Close my eyes. And pray. I pray that I don’t see a certain number. Or that it didn’t go up AGAIN. But ever since I stopped really running in the fall and ever since stopped training for my marathon it has been creeping up ever so slowly. I’m not going to list the number, but lets just say my middle number has changed twice and if I don’t get a handle on it soon, my first number will as well. And I can’t have that. I can’t go back to that first number. I’ve worked too damn hard.

I’ve decided to use January as kind of a cleanse. Shedding off the old mistakes that I made in December (and month’s prior) and trying to change my behavior into more positive choices.

Make coffee at home. Sure, it’s not my venti iced skinny vanilla latte, but it also costs way less than $6.00.
No alcohol. At least for January. I want to see how I feel without it. And my wallet needs to see how it feels without it as well.
Healthy, non-processed food. I want to train for the AirBnB Brooklyn Half Marathon (more on this later) and I need to do it right this time. Healthy nutrition in…positive energy out.
Stop eating out. In December we were sick, I was stressed, we were tired. And most nights I would come home and just not want to cook. So I didn’t. Of course, this affects everyone in the family, and I need to be setting a better example for the littles in my life.

Hopefully with these four changes I can begin to see a difference: more energy, better sleep, focused running and exercise, and more real life experiences.

I’m tired of simply wishing I could do and be more.

Let’s do this, January.

The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things

January 2, 2016 / Cassie / Leave a comment

Tis the season. For families, and holidays, and presents, and cheer. Like most, I love this time of year. The chill in the air, the twinkle lights everywhere, the break from work and school (and many annoying responsibilities). But I’d have to say, Christmas is not my favorite holiday. If I had to pick one, it would definitely be New Years.

Honestly, I am big fan of New Years Resolutions. While I agree that you can begin a resolution at any time and you should never wait to change something you truly believe in, there is something so wonderful about the year ticking over to a new new number. It’s almost as if New Years Day is a form baptism. With the change of a number, the mistakes and regrets and uncomfortable feelings cease to exist, making it that much easier to start fresh and anew. With the rip of a calendar page the whole world can begin again. You can set goals, make new decisions, basically become the person you have been waiting to become.

2015 has been a roller coaster of a year. I don’t think any other year has accomplished so much amazingness and turmoil all at once. From babies had, houses moved, friends gained and friends lost, races run and races quit, and love found and then rescinded, I’ve been undeniably busy and just living.

In so many ways I know who I am. I tend to have too many emotions and too often, the way I express them is over the top. I cry too much, feel too much, love too hard, get jealous when I shouldn’t, and have a terrible temper. I’m loyal, but cautious. I don’t always believe the best in people, and I’ve been proven right. These are simply things I am not going to apologize for anymore. I shouldn’t have to apologize for my feelings because they are real and a part of who I am, and the way I feel is important.

Very recently I’ve become more honest with myself which has allowed me to be more honest with those around me. Often I would avoid conflict or confrontation at any cost simply because it made me uncomfortable. But now, I’ve learned that the discomfort does go away and after speaking your mind openly and honestly, you feel so much better. Just a few days ago I said good bye to a friend, not because of anything they did wrong, per se, but because the relationship we had built over the past 3 years was not working for me anymore. I wanted a change and the other person didn’t. And for three years I let someone elses wants and needs trump my own. But not anymore. Walking away was so hard. But not as hard as staying in an unhealthy friendship.

Long story short, what I’m learning is that it’s ok to care about your own wants and needs…and to do what you have to do to meet them.

I’m allowed to try hard. I’m allowed to be good at things. Hell, I’m allowed to be bad at things. I’m allowed to love you too much and tell you about it. I’m also allowed to tell you why you are hurting my feelings if you are. I’m allowed to take a break from people who aren’t letting me be me and are constantly trying to put me down to make themselves feel better. I’m allowed to be who I am, and if someone doesn’t like it, it’s their loss. I actually think I’m pretty awesome sometimes.

I’m ready to take some time in 2016 to focus on me, what I want, who I am and who I want to be.

What I mean to say is…

July 31, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ~Lao Tzu

~~Life has a way~~

~~Sometimes, wanting to change~~

When you don’t know where to start, just start.

Charlie has become obsessed with my phone. Sometimes I flip through random crap while I’m feeding her because, while I know this is a perfect bonding time, this is also one of the few times I have when more than one kid is not climbing all over my body. When it started she would simply turn her head towards the light. Now, she stops eating and begins grabbing at it. She’s not even four months old yet and already she is falling into the technology trap.

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m addicted to my phone. I’d like say that I mostly use it for music, my running apps, and looking up random crap on Google when my kids need to know something that I don’t know (life span of a cicada anyone?). But in the interest of full disclosure, that’s a load of crap. Most of my time is spent checking Facebook. And I’m pretty ashamed to admit it.

Half the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it. It’s like my finger is drawn to that little blue icon of its own free will. I’ll start scrolling through and randomly liking pictures and statues without even realizing what I’m doing. There’s also the posting, as if I feel that I need to share every little thing with all my “friends”.

And if we’re being really, really honest there’s the Facebook stalking: the checking of statuses, pictures, profiles of people I’m “friends” with (and even those I’m not “friends” with). What, oh what, have I become?

I compare. I judge. I check. I get depressed by things I learn. And all of this is ridiculous. It’s Facebook. Facebook. I’m getting worked up and sad over freaking Facebook. I’m a 34 year old high schooler.

I read this great article the other day. Ironically, it popped up on Facebook. And three days later I’ve read it 10 times. I know this is what I need to do. For me. For my family. And even for my marathon training.

The sad thing is, pretty much everyone I interact with on Facebook, I also interact with in the “real world”. We text, we chat, we hang out. And yet, I feel like I need the validation of this friendship online as well…and I shouldn’t.

I could just delete that little icon or simply not log in. But I know that won’t happen. So I need it gone completely. Just for a little while. Just to detox. A week, maybe two.

I’ll see you on the flip side.

The Forgotten Thank You

May 17, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“We met for a reason. You’re either a blessing or a lesson.” ~Frank Ocean

There are very few things we do without the help of others. Many times there’s the “overt help”, the help you can see and understand, the type of help that never masks itself as anything other than help. It’s help simplified or help understood. We can take it at face value for what it is.

Then there’s the other kind of help. The help that swoops in wearing a mask. The help that may take days, or weeks, or even years to show itself. The help that you are fairly certain is actually not help at all.

This help comes in so many forms: toxic friendships, heart break, depression, fear. At first, these things are a negative force in our life, ripping us apart from the inside out, tearing us down so much that we believe we may never be able to build ourself up again. We believe there is no way for us to ever be whole.

But you know what I’ve learned? This is sometimes the best kind of help. While it may change our lives drastically, many times we come out the other side a little worse for the wear, but seemingly better overall. This is the kind of help that forces us to make decisions, make changes, face our demons. This is the kind of help that not only changes who we are, but makes us who we are.

Usually we vilify those people who change our lives in this way. We feel that that they’ve taken some essential part from us and we yearn to get it back, to make ourselves who we once were. But for me, at least today, I want to say thank you.

Thank you to the toxic friends, without whomI never would have discovered some of the truly amazing people in my life.

Thank you to the those who have caused substantial heartbreak, without which I never would have found running.

Thank you to the depression that has overtaken me on numerous occasions, without which I never would have known how wonderful simple joys can be.

It’s time to put the past behind me and move forward, embracing everything that’s gotten me where I am today, both positive and negative.

I finally think I’m ready.

And so we begin

May 11, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“I dare you to train for a marathon, and not have it change your life.” ~Susan Sidoriak

Tomorrow’s the day. The day I take a breath. The day I move on. The day I continue moving forward. The day I put the past behind me. The day I emerge from the ashes that is my mistakes. The day I work for what I want. The day I make my plans a reality.

Tomorrow’s the day I begin training for the TCS New York City Marathon. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to be rough, on both me and the ones closest to me. It’s going to be life changing and that’s what I’m counting on.

I’m excited and petrified. I’m ready and not ready. I’m worried and surprisingly calm. I’m all this and more. I’m a myriad of emotions I don’t even have words for.

Tomorrow’s the day…the day I become who I was meant to become.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear

April 7, 2015 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear. It inhabits us in some form every day. This post could be about how I’m about to give birth for the third time tomorrow. And of course, this terrifies me.

This post could be about how I’m about to be a mother of three kids instead of two and I have no idea how I’m really going to do it, let alone, having no idea how to parent a girl. And of course, this terrifies me.

But this isn’t about that. Those things are fear inducing, yes, but I know I can do it. So, while the fear is there, it’s not “real”, it’s not tangible. No matter what, I will succeed at this because failure is not an option.

This post isn’t about that kind of fear. It’s not about the fear you have when you know you will survive. It’s about the fear you have when you jump head first into something you’ve never done before, something you don’t even know if you can do, something where there is essentially no safety net. This post is about jumping headfirst into something you have a 98% chance of failing at…and doing it anyway.

While this post isn’t about my pregnancy, per se, it definitely is impacted by it. For most of my life, I have suffered from insomnia. I don’t sleep a lot and I don’t sleep well. This can be rather helpful as a parent, though when pregnancy induced insomnia rears its ugly head and you are getting 4 hours of sleep as a pregnant woman, a mom, and a kindergarten teacher, reason seems to go out the window. And that is essentially where we begin.

Because it was this pregnancy induced insomnia that lead me to be on Twitter at 3 am on a random January “morning”. And it was this sleeplessness that had me on the New York Road Runners website scouting out some post-baby races. And it was this incredible exhaustion that had me reminiscing about how much I loved running and couldn’t wait to get back to it. And it was this amazing weariness of both mind and body that led to the major lack of judgement when I entered the lottery to run in the TCS NYC Marathon.

I knew the chances of getting in via lottery were super slim. I knew less than 10% of people are accepted. So I put the phone down, attempted to go back to sleep and put it out of my mind.

And it was. I went about my life. I ran intermittently. I started a a new Girls on the Run group. I parented and taught and my life went forward as it always did.

Until March 3rd. When somehow, in some strange twist of fate, I received this e-mail:

At first I couldn’t breath. Then I was excited. Then I was downright petrified. How the hell was I going to do this? I barely made it through my half marathon in October. At 5 months pregnant I could barely manage to talk by the end of it, let alone have completed another 13.1 miles. Not only did I take a spot from a real runner, someone who dreams of the NYC marathon the way I pregnantly dream about cake and wine, but if I decided to go through with this, I was ultimately going to fail.

And for the past month, all I could think about was the fact that I was going to fail at this. That I should drop out. That I should quit so I could just stop worrying. Then today I woke up and thought, maybe I wouldn’t. Sure, there is a 98% percent chance that I would fail, that I won’t be able to finish the marathon. But how will I know until I try. I began making a list of the reasons I might not fail. I began making a list so I could see that glimmer of hope in the 2%. And while I was only really able to come up with 2 things, here they are:

1. I was able to finish a half marathon at 5 months pregnant. I had barely trained because the beginning of my pregnancy had been emotionally and physically challenging. I had finished the half in 4 hours with running very little of it. The time limit for the TCS NYC Marathon is 8 hours. With the proper training, there is a chance I can do this, even if I come in dead last.

2. I was able to accomplish this (and this, and this). And somehow, it seems, when I make up my mind to do something, I don’t let anything stand in my way.

When I really began thinking about it, I realized my fear was mostly about what the “others” would think. What would my real runner friends think? What would my everyday friends think? Would any of them think I could do it? Would any of them tell me to my face that I could totally do it, but then think negatively behind my back?

And did any of that really matter? They weren’t running this thing, I was. And that’s when I had my answer. I was going to do it. I might fail, I might not. But that’s not really the important part. The important part is the idea that I could try.

I would try. 2% and all, I would try.

See you in November, NYC.

The best laid plans…are sometimes better left undone.

January 1, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” ~Robert Burns

I’m a planner. And we had plans.

The kids, for the first time in a month, were going to spend the night at the grandparents house. We were going to make appetizers from Trader Joe’s, have a glass of wine, eat chocolate, and watch really crappy TV. I doubt we would have made it to midnight to see the beginning of 2015, but I would have tried. And it would have been OK because there would have been no little feet padding towards me at 1:30 or 3:45 in the morning needing to go to the bathroom, or an extra hug and kiss, or needing a drink of water.

We had plans. And like the many other times we made plans, they slowly imploded on themselves until none of the original plan was remotely intact.

After shipping everyone off and sitting down to binge watch crappy TV UNINTERRUPTED I received “The Call”. The little one, who hadn’t been feeling so great lately, didn’t want to stay. He just wanted to be home and snuggle with us. My face and spirits fell and I immediately began to cry (chalk it up to pregnancy hormones). I was going to get to watch TV! I was going to get uninterrupted sleep! I was going to stay up past 10!

And then I stopped and really thought about the situation. And guilt replaced my outrage and upset-ness. My little one, who wouldn’t be my little one in 3 short months, wanted to stay home and snuggle with his mom. Why in the world was I upset about this? I admit that we have it rather easy on our end. The kids spend an obscene amount of time with their grandparents giving us ample time off. And here I was wanting more.

I had this whole post written in my head about how, while 2014 was very tough, it was also a year of growth. I was going to write about how 2015 was going to trump last year, I was going to go harder, push more, and ultimately be fierce. This was going to be MY year. It was going to be all about ME and what I wanted to accomplish.

But as always, it’s the smallest things that lead us to see the errors in our ways. I do need to improve, but not in the way I so desperately thought. Instead of constantly needing to pick up new things, try new things, be new, I need to be better at the things I already am. I need to be better at the things that are inevitable (not in a bad way). I need to be better at the things that I already am: mother, wife, friend.

That’s not to say that I will not continue to make time for my running, that I won’t branch out and seek the unknown, but simply that I also need to pay attention to the now, be present in the moment, remember that each day is a gift.

I need to stop trying to go out and be extraordinary and “make” extraneous memories, when my everyday actions are creating memories of their own: reading a book with little O, going for a neighborhood jog with M, feeling Baby 3 kick every moment of the day.

I need to stop thinking “been there, done that” for these moments and realize that each experience, no matter how repetitive or mundane may not be that way for the littles or for others involved.

I need to start appreciating what I have a little bit more.

Maybe I’ve been doing it all wrong

December 29, 2014 / Cassie / 1 Comment

““It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.” ~Paulo Coelho

As much as I complain about being a public school teacher, there are some wonderful perks, such as my 12 days of winter break. The first two days were very busy with last minute Christmas shopping, food shopping, house cleaning, getting ready for relatives and trying to give the little ones a semblance of calm in our chaotic days.

We always celebrate with our family during Christmas morning. It starts at 7 and we gather for presents and breakfast. It may seem early, but the benefit is that it is over by 10:30 leaving us the rest of the day to lounge in our pajamas, enjoy our new gadgets, and otherwise veg about.

Usually the days running together with no set schedule and nowhere to be cause me a great deal of anxiety. When my days are less busy, my mind tends to wander and worry, reexamine and remember and these things are never a good combination.

What I found this year is that instead of he foreboding and anxiety I was greeted by an eerie feeling. I felt calm and at peace almost as if so many of the weights I have been carrying around with me were lifted off and simply floated away. I know that not having to go to work definitely made me happier, but it was more than this and I really wish I could do a better job of explaining it.

I feel as if the impending-ness of 2015 made me shed my 2014 skin. Ill feelings I had were erased. Worries that constantly plagued me, while still there, seemed less overwhelming and important. For the first time in a long time, or maybe even in forever, I felt like everything was going to be ok; like everything is exactly as it should be. I feel like I’ve truly let go of all of the baggage that has accumulated in the past few years. I feel like these moments, regrets, fears, mistakes, will no longer rule my life and be a constant influence on the future decisions I make.

I’ve mentioned before how much I love New Years (http://hereswhatimtryingtosay.wordpress.com/2013/12/27/the-time-has-come-the-walrus-said-to-talk-of-many-things/) It’s this wonderfully magical time when you can just start over. I’m not naive enough to think that the world actually resets itself or that you can’t simply start over any other day of the year, but something happens when you get close to a new year. You can feel the difference, the change in the air, the realization that hope is on its way.

I am no longer the person I was when 2014 began, and I really couldn’t be happier with the changes that have occurred, but I think there’s more. I’d like to keep this feeling of peace and calm. I’d like to do better. I’d like to be better. The changes I’ve made to myself are indisputable, but with baby #3 on the way, there is no doubt that I can still grow, I can still change, I can still become a better person, a person that all my children can be proud of.

A person that I can be proud of.

The Great Balancing Act

November 16, 2014 / Cassie / 2 Comments

“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” ~Jim Rohn

I feel like a failure of infinite proportion lately. I am having trouble achieving balance in my life. It feels like if I am doing well in one area, another one begins to suffer and I’m not quite sure how to handle this.

Things seem to be going pretty well at work. My students are learning, my planning is always completed on time, and I have been receiving accolades from the people from “above” who have come in to watch me teach. But I have also been spending way to much time on these items. Planning has been taking place at school, yes, but also on the week-end and during the week, much to the chagrin of my family, and even me.

It seems that the reason things are going so well and I am doing so well, is because I am putting all my time and effort into it, which would be fine if I were not a mother and a wife and also did not have outside-work goals of my own. At what point did I begin to sacrifice my happiness and my family’s happiness for doing a great job at work?

The truth, that by the time I put all that effort into the work items, I have no more effort to give the people around me, the people I truly care about. I become short-tempered, short-fused, irritable and down-right mean, which is of no fault of anyone’s but me.

When was the last time I worked on an art project with my two little ones? Or built a pillow fort? Or made some weird looking house out of legos? I can’t even begin to tell you. Because when I’m home it becomes about packing lunches, making dinner, cleaning, or simply doing more school work because, somehow, the 10 hours I already gave the place isn’t enough.

And don’t even get my started on the last time I went for a run when it wasn’t dark out, or the last time I read a book, or even the last time I went and just enjoyed dinner with a friend. I can’t even remember when those last happened. Those seem like luxuries I can no longer afford. And I can’t tell you what my son’s homework was from last night because I didn’t have time to help him with it, dad did. I can’t even tell you what my kids are asking for for Christmas this year. Though I can tell you the last work e-mail I wrote, and I can tell you the last spill I cleaned, and I can tell you the last television show I turned on for the littles while I tried to get these things done.

And really, if I’m being super honest, I put all of this pressure on myself EVERY SINGLE DAY. I feel that if I’m not doing all these things someone is going to get mad at me, or rate me unfavorably, or simply (totally egotistical right here) outshine me. The sad part isn’t that I care about these things. The sad part is that I care so much I’m letting other, more important things, slip by the wayside.

I spent almost the entire weekend worried about a field trip we are taking on Tuesday. Worried that certain parents are going to get mad their kids aren’t going (even though THEY didn’t pay after the 15 notes I sent home), worried about what we are doing with the kids who aren’t going (which teacher is staying back?), worried about an upcoming observation that has yet to be scheduled…I worried so much that I missed out on truly enjoying my weekend.

It’s hard to tell myself that it’s ok to step back and take a moment. I KNOW deep down inside that I will still do a great job even if I don’t spend every waking hour on worrying about school and completing school related tasks. Everything will still get done. I KNOW this. But yet, I still don’t do it.

I didn’t run this week-end, I told myself, because I wanted to get the house cleaned, spend quality time with the kids, focus on family. Well, I didn’t run, but the house is still a mess, the kids are napping, and I binge-watched Netflix the other morning since they were at the grandparents.

I feel like I have these great ideas and great plans on ways to get my life back to how I truly want it to be. Yet, I do nothing about them. Planning and doing are two separate things I don’t seem to have the energy or the attitude for the one that actually takes an effort.

I need to be OK with not being perfect or the best. I need to be ok with a messy house if everyone is happy. I need to stop putting everyone else in front of my family and myself.

I need to stop. I need to breathe. I need to listen.

And then…I need to act.

Grace Before Perfection

Mom. Teacher. Wanna-be most things. Lover of almost everything except talking on the phone. Oh, and I read a lot of books. Like an unhealthy amount.

life