life

(Un)Broken

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“Until you’re broken, you don’t know what you’re made of.  It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever.” ~Unknown

I saw the above quote on Pinterest the other day and it really spoke to me.  I’ve been pinning a lot of motivational quotes lately in order to help keep me on my path, but this is the best one I have seen.  I know I’ve mentioned or at least allude to the fact that I’ve had issues in the past with depression.  At the end of the last school year another wave of it him me, culminating when my dad died.  I tried to hold it together in a variety of ways, but due to other circumstances as well, by August I was quite literally broken.  There was no up or down, whole or half, only pieces that I was quite sure I would never be able to put back together.

But guess what?  I did.  I accomplished something I didn’t think was possible.  It started slowly, when the only differences I could see were mere subtleties changing in my daily life; crying less, sleeping more, smiling occasionally. And now, while not completely whole, I am far more together than before I broke completely.  I am happier, have more energy, and don’t let the small things upset me as much anymore.  I still have work to do and a long road ahead of me (don’t we all), but I’m not afraid of the challenge of living anymore.  As a matter of fact, it’s just the opposite.  I’m excited for anything that may be coming down the road.  And while I still get sad and weepy occasionally (don’t we all) I no longer feel that I’m fighting a losing battle.

And then the running happened.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not really running, I’m simply trodding along at an obscenely slow pace until I feel like I am going to die.  Then I stop for a few minutes until I think I can go again.  The whole process repeats until it’s it’s time to get ready for work.  And for some reason, it’s working for me. And on Wednesday I accomplished my first real running goal.  For the first time ever in my entire life, I ran a whole mile.  I couldn’t believe it (I still can’t).  I know to many people it’s not a lot, but to me it is huge.  It’s something I thought was impossible until it wasn’t anymore.

I took two days off and then decided to try the track today to take advantage of the gorgeous weather we are having in Baltimore.  I wound up walking for most of the time.  I tried running, but it just wasn’t coming today.  I had too many things on my mind, my stride was off, my foot was killing me (I have plantar fasciitis), and I just felt not all there.  But, instead of just quitting and saying I’ll try again tomorrow I trudged through and wound up completing 2.6 miles.

Honestly, the distance isn’t the big deal for me.  It’s the fact that I didn’t let myself quit.  I tend to quit (or try to quit) so many things in my life when the going gets tough or things don’t go my way.  I never really fight for anything and, as I’m learning, there are always things worth fighting for. You may not be able to fight for anything in the past, but you can fight for the future.

So now, instead of quitting, I am fighting for something.  I am fighting for me.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 16
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 4.2 pounds

Where did it come from? And please don’t let it go away.

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“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.  Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” ~Helen Keller

I can’t figure out what is different about this time.  Am I more motivated? Am I tired of failing? Do I feel like I have something to prove?  Did the status quo get too much to handle?

Point is, I’m uber-motivated lately…and I love it.  I not only feel the need to get shit done, I am actually doing it.  Whether it is home, school, or exercise, things seem to be moving along in a generally positive direction.  I don’t know if the running is helping my mood, or if my mood is helping my running.  Frankly, I don’t care.  What matters is that I am doing it.  Normally, at this point, I would start becoming skeptical of the situation and be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but not this time.  I know that I need to keep on going positively and I am determined to do it.

Even with my running, I am feeling like this is something that I can keep doing.  I know it’s only been a week and half but I don’t see an end in sight.  Normally by now I would have given up, or gotten tired, or simply felt defeated.  But not this time.  I know that tomorrow when I get up to run I will probably be slower than a turtle in peanut butter, but I will be doing it anyway.  Even today, when I wasn’t running because I had deep water jog, I was missing it and was itching to go.  I know I have to pace myself and build up endurance, but it’s becoming something I want to do and maybe even *gasp* enjoy (especially when I go at 5 am and no one is around to hear me sing when I run).

And, quite honestly, I need this.  Things were not going well, in so many areas of my life, and I knew that if I didn’t take action soon, something dire would have happened. I was beyond depressed; a feeling I hadn’t felt in so many years.  I couldn’t see the light and felt like I was simply holding on by a thread.

I am not ashamed to admit that running is saving my life in more ways than one.  And I will continue to run for as long as it’s helping…and then after that.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 12.4
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 4.2 pounds

On a wave of mutilation…

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“Listen, smile, agree.  And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway.” ~Robert Downey Jr.

Last night (or even yesterday in general) was the first day, in quite a while, that I didn’t spend a significant amount of time in tears.  I attribute a lot of this to my friend Sara, who saw what I needed, acted on it and wouldn’t take no for an answer.  It’s hard to find friends like that; the ones who show up without being asked, the ones who are there for everything (even the bad stuff), who have seen you at your worst and are still there in the morning, who tell you what you need to hear even if it isn’t what you want to hear.

After a much needed (and clarifying) night out, I woke up serene and without the familiar pit of despair in my stomach that has been there over the summer.  I was able to breathe.  I was actually ready to face the day.  Now, don’t interpret this as me thinking that all my problems and challenges have disappeared because of a glass of wine, a slice of cheesecake, and a night out with a friend.  I’m not that naive.  All of my issues are still there, but today is the first day in a long time I feel like I might actually be able to face them.

I spent my morning wandering around my empty house.  The kids were with the grandparents, the husband was at class and it was the first time I had truly been alone in a while.  I’m the type of person who likes to be alone, though not necessarily feel alone. As I walked around my completely unorganized and cluttered house, I was thinking about how much I had hoped to accomplish this summer, but never really got around to it for one reason or another.  As usual, I wished there was some way to turn back time, to do it all over and not make the same mistakes again.

Then I though, what a waste of time, sitting around wishing I had used my time more effectively or wishing I had more time.  How often do we all do that; sitting around spending so much time focusing on the past that we are actually forgetting to live right now?  Throughout my life I have spent so much time focusing on things that have happened: wishing I hadn’t spent so much time focusing on people who didn’t share my same feelings, wishing I had started something differently or ended something differently, wishing I hadn’t concentrated on one thing over another. I know I can’t be the only one.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that no matter how much time I have wasted, I still have time left.  And I realize how lucky I am that I can say that. So, instead of constantly dwelling on the things from the past that I would change if I could, it’s time to move forward and put that energy into what I want out of the present and the future.

I have no idea what that is right now, but at least I have a little time to figure it out.

What About Me?

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“Be miserable.  Or motivate yourself.  Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” ~Wayne Dyer

I started this summer as I start every summer…with great plans.  I was going to accomplish so much.  The house was going to be cleaned and organized. I was going to go to the gym every day.  I was going to work with Max on his writing and Ollie on his…demoness stubborn personality.  I was going to read great books and write great things.  I was going to plan for the next school year.  All my centers would be made in advance.

I was going to do great things this summer.

Here’s what I have actually accomplished: I read two books, organized the toys in Max’s closet, and gone to the gym a smattering of times.

All I can really say is “what the hell happened?!?!?!?!?”

I have been extremely lazy, and probably downright selfish, this summer and I really don’t like it.  I was supposed to make positive contributions to myself and my family and I have done nothing.

Fortunately, the best advice anyone ever gave me was that every every day, every hour, every minute is new…a time in which you can be reborn.

So tonight I signed up for the next Color Run in Baltimore (to be held in November).  And tomorrow I will make my way back to the gym.

And each day I will accomplish something else because I can.  I’m fortunate to know that I have the time to do this while others don’t.  I am one of the lucky ones.

It’s time to get back on track.  I can do this.

I have to do this.

Can we really have it all?

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“You only live once.  But if you do it right, once is enough.” ~Mae West

I started another post a few days ago on the idea of unconventionality in life.  It’s so scattered and messy right now, that it’s not ready to be posted, but I hope that I can post it soon.  With my dad passing and the school year ending within the last week, I have been very contemplative about life in general and while writing that post my thoughts began to spiral.  My insomnia is back, so I have been awake, hours each night, just laying in bed with my mind wandering all over the place and I can’t seem to make sense of any of it.

So much has been happening in the past few days, weeks, even months, that I am having trouble processing what it all means within the realm of my life.  I feel completely turned around, with no idea if I am coming or going, or simply sitting still.  And with no real production or work that has to take place during the day, since I am off for the summer, I am feeling quite lost.

If you know me in real life, you already know that I am not good at compromise.   It’s either this way or that way but it can’t be both.  In the simplest definition, I tend to be an extremist.  I usually go from far left to far right with no stops in the middle. I tend to be going either 100 miles per hour, or at a complete snails pace.

I’ve often battled with the conflicting ideologies of “you only live once” and “you can’t always get what you want” going back and forth between them.  Depending on my day, or mood, I always seem to be either completely for one or the other.  Are there times when one is more appropriate than the other?  Do I choose one based on convenience?  Is it “YOLO” when I want to be selfish and “You can’t always get what you want” when I feel like being a responsible adult?  I wish I could just pick one and decide to live my life that way.  Consistency is key and at this point I am so far removed from it that I literally can’t even think in a straight line.

At what point does “you only live once” simply become a cop-out for taking the easy way out?  Can we really have our cake and eat it too?  When is it ok to be selfish and when is it not?  What if our actions, while making us happier and more fulfilled, hurt the ones we love?  At what point should we just accept the wonderful things we have: a roof over our heads, family, friends, a good job, health insurance, and stop bitching about happiness, being fulfilled, finding a purpose?

Can we really have it all and, really, should we even be trying to?

Judgment Day

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“There are many things that people do happily that I can’t imagine why they would do it.  But I have to say that even though I am critical or judgmental of society at large, I’m not critical of people individually.  We are who we are.” ~Ian MacKaye

After my dad died, I felt the need to go a little crazy.  That’s not true, I had been feeling this way for a few weeks now, but this was the excuse I needed to let it happen.  I needed to feel alive, to feel like I was doing something exciting and different even if the decisions I made were ultimately stupid.  No matter what I did, I was ready to face any consequences my actions may have.

Luckily, I have the best friends who were willing to help me out on this little endevour.  Our end of year staff party was coming up and this was the perfect avenue for us to let our hair down and end the school year with a bang.

We decided to have a “judgment free” night.  No matter what happened, none of us would be allowed to judge the others, or talk about one with another, etc.  We hugged on it, took a jell-o shot on it, and pinky promised that we would not think badly of each other, or at the very least, if we did, we would keep those judgey thoughts to ourselves.

Long story short, a lot of fun was had and a lot of craziness ensued.  It was exactly what I needed and while no boats were stolen, I don’t regret a thing about that night.  It wasn’t until I was driving around the next day that I realized there was something wrong with the night.  Then it hit me.

Why the hell did we have to plan a “judgement free night”?  Why did we have to pinky swear and promise that we weren’t going to judge either?  As friends, pretty close friends, shouldn’t we already be doing that?  Shouldn’t we simply be supporting our friends in the decisions that they make instead of spending that time judging their lives and their actions?

What drives us (as women, as a society) to judge others so often?  Is it jealousy?  The desire to always be right or have things our way?  That when we identify what we feel to be a “mistake” or “lapse of judgement” in someone else, our life begins to look better or more put together?

I wish I could say that I wasn’t judgmental, but I am guilty of this as well.  And need to stop.  Like, really need to stop.  But how do you do that?  Not talking about people is one thing,but how do you tell your brain to stop having those thoughts to begin with?

And because I judge, I know other’s judge.  And because of this, I don’t know if I am ever truly honest with anyone.  I tend to keep a lot to myself, “secrets” about myself that, while I don’t care if others know, I simply don’t want to be judged by this information nor do I want the information passed on from person to person without my consent.

It’s a sickening feeling, being scared to be yourself or say what you really think simply in order to avoid judgement.

I wonder how much time I would free up in my life if I was not only able to stop judging, but also stop having anxiety over being judged.

Maybe, one day, I’ll be able to find out.

Making a list, checking it twice

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“I started reading about people of great accomplishment… and it dawned on me suddenly that the person who has the most to do with what happens in your life is you.” ~Benjamin Carson

Last month I decided, at the urging of a friend, to make a list of “real” things that I want to accomplish this month.  I decided to focus on 10 things…10 real things that I could accomplish in 30 days or less.  I thought that maybe if I wrote it down, it would make more more accountable and, therefor, more willing and able to complete the task.

Long story short, I failed.  Some things were easy, some things were hard, and some I plain forgot.  See for yourself:

  1. Complete a 5K   Woohoo!  I did this one and it was awesome!  See my post on it here
  2. Make strides to become a better wife.  This month’s goal: Have one “at home” date night per week and two “going out” date nights this month.  I actually accomplished this task, but I am far from being a better wife, so I’m leaving this one “uncrossed”
  3. Apply for 5 jobs that I would actually go on an interview for, even if I am not completely qualified.  Nope, but mostly because I decided to stick it out with my current job for at least one more year.
  4. Spend more quality time with my children and really get to know them.  Each child gets one date day/night with just me per week.  I promise, this is for me, not them.  Nope.  Just call me Slacker Mom.  I could give you a million excuses, but I won’t.  I just need to do better.
  5. Read three new books this month.  Again, no.  Though somehow I managed to read three books that I’ve already read (hangs head in shame).
  6. Come up with a savings plan.  Kinda, but not really.
  7. Write at least two blog posts this month.  Score!
  8. By the end of the month, be soda free. I am currently sitting here with a diet coke, so this obviously didn’t pan out.
  9. Find a new hobby, that I can do without current friends/family (as in something completely for myself).  Does running count?  Probably not, because, although I didn’t specify, I’m thinking it should be a hobby I actually ENJOY.
  10. Take one photo everyday to document a moment that makes me smile.  This will remind me that I was happy at least once a day this month.  I was going strong for awhile, and then, like most of the other items I forgot.

So there you go.  I accomplished 2 out of 10 things I put forth for May.

Do you think it’s OK to simply recycle the other 8 and try again for June?

Big, huge, colossal

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” Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now.” ~Vivian “Pretty Woman”

Do you know anything about despair? It’s the place where hopes don’t exist. I liken it to walking around a city and the sewer drains are uncapped. If you’re looking, really watching and paying attention, you can avoid them all together. But if not, you fall right in and Lord only knows when you are going to be able to pull yourself out.

Once you are down there, in the pit of despair, two types of people emerge. Person A pulls themselves together climbs up the ladder and emerges, maybe a little dirtier than before, but still intact and ready to face the world.

Person B, on the other hand does quite the opposite. Instead of looking for the ladder they give up, simply lie down, and take a very long nap.

Lately, I’ve felt more like Person B. I’ve been trying to get myself together, but I keep falling apart. It’s been a rough week. I’m not going to go all “Candide” on you, but on a scale of one to ten, it was an 11. I feel like maybe I want to find that ladder, the item that will get me out of despair, but I’m just so tired and don’t have any motivation.

That is, until tonight. That all stops here. Big things are coming. Huge. I’m not sure what they are yet, but they are on the tip of my tongue.

No idea when it’s coming, but you’ll know it when you see it.

This week’s Moments of Joy

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Just a recap on my Moments of Joy this week.

Monday, May 6

Bedtime.  That’s all that needs to be said.

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Tuesday, May 7

Wine. Because sometimes it really does help.

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Wednesday, May 8

A quiet moment of serenity for the little one.  We don’t get many of them around here.

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Thursday, May 9

A “friend” of mine drawing a picture of me and my assistant.  I’m the short one.

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Friday, May 10

The necklace the 4yo made me for Mother’s Day.

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Saturday, May 11

Blogging and The Big Bang Theory on a Saturday night.  Yup, I’m old.

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Sunday, May 12

My Mother’s Day breakfast can’t be beat!

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Because sometimes you just have to live

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“There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” ~Albert Einstein

Tonight I ate about 1000 calories in Mexican food.  Yes, I’m watching my calories.  Yes, I’m trying to eat healthier so I can be around longer for my kids.  But sometimes you just have to live.

I began shopping online for a new laptop.  Mine is on the fritz and it’s been a while since I have made a large purchase.  I really don’t have the money for it.  But sometimes you just to live.

I e-mailed my assistant principal today about a change I’d like to make for next year.  I’m usually not the type to ask for things or even try to change the status quo.  But sometimes you just to live.

I’m drinking wine tonight even though I have to weigh-in for my fitness class tomorrow.  This, on top of my Mexican food, can not be good.  But sometimes you just to live.

It’s almost 11:30 pm on a school night.  I have to be up at 6 am at the latest in order to be ready for work tomorrow.  I’m drinking wine, eating pretzels, and watching reruns of “The Big Bang Theory”. I’m not even close to bed.  But sometimes you just to live.

We don’t have as much time as we think.  We can’t take anything with us.  Living a life where we are sad and wondering about everything doesn’t change anything.

And, sometimes you just have to live.