Confidence and marriage and running.

May 19, 2018 / Cassie / Leave a comment

We met in college. We were in the same biology class and lab. It was an 8 am class and I clearly wasn’t interested in impressing anybody since I showed up almost every day in my pajamas. We became late partners (or rather a group of three) out of basic convenience…we sat near each other and it was easier than seeking out others. I actually had a crush on the other guy in our group, but alas, he had a girlfriend. We started studying together outside of class. One thing led to another, and Poof! Three years later we were married. Now 13 years after that we are separated and headed towards divorce.

I was a mess when I was in college, even more so than I am now (for those who know me in “real life”). I battled depression and manic episodes. I was unhealthy. I was “in love” with a boy from high school who was dating another girl. I transferred schools every year or so and my debt was out of control (hi credit cards). Because of all this, and I’m sure so much more, I had the confidence of…well, I don’t know. Let’s just say I had really low confidence. And it took me a long time (16 years to be exact) to realize this is the main contributor of me getting married and the age of 24 to my first “real” boyfriend.

In the beginning, I think I was just trying things out and having fun and then it became a dependency. Here was a boy was was relatively normal and seemed to like me. I’m lucky, I would think. I don’t have to be alone anymore. Did I love him? I’m sure I did. But I don’t think it was a life changing, earth shattering love. And I know (especially now) that it wasn’t a love that could sustain a marriage. I thought so little of my self and my self-worth that I reveled in the attention. Someone likes me and I owe it to him to be with him. It saddens me now thinking about how much my low self confidence contributed to this MAJOR aspect of my life.

There were times I felt that I should leave. That I should break up with him because I knew I didn’t have what it takes to be his girlfriend and then his wife. He deserved someone better, someone that was completely over the moon for him. But instead I stayed. I convinced myself I belonged there. Someone loved me so much and I should stay with them because of this. I worried I would hurt him and I didn’t want the guilt of hurting anyone.

In reality now, I realize I also stayed because I didn’t think anyone else would ever want me. How horrible is that? It took me a very long time to admit that to myself.

Our marriage was so tumultuous; up and down constantly that I couldn’t keep up. I always wanted to leave, but never wanted to leave at the same time. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to have to start over. I was safe here in this place. Unhappy. But safe.

I wish I knew what it was that finally made me realize it was OK to leave and that I deserved to be happy. I know a small part of it was finding someone else who really did love me for me. Another part was the kids and realizing that they shouldn’t be growing up in an unhappy home.

In all honesty, I think the biggest thing was that my confidence was improving and I know it had a lot to do with running. Running made me happier and helped me become healthier, which of course led me to be more confident. It was an outlet for my anger and frustration and gave me time to think and decide.

I loved myself during those times.

I haven’t run consistently since I began dating Joe. I guess when I found another source of happiness running just fell to the side until it was almost non-existent. While I am happier now than I have ever been, I miss the confidence. I think that’s why I’m chasing running again after two years, and why I’m chasing this marathon.

I need to get that feeling back again…and I’ll make myself run until I do.

Shit’s about to get real.

May 10, 2018 / Cassie / Leave a comment

*I’m writing this post for both of my blogs because it is equally pertinent to both.*

It’s gotten to that point again…the point I never thought I would be at again. The weight is slowly creeping up and has been for the last few years, ever since Charlie was born.

It comes so slowly that you don’t even notice it. A pound here, a pound there. Then you realize that you are tired all the time and you just don’t have the energy to do much. Just thinking about doing something *anything* makes you feel more tired. You’ll do anything to NOT step on the scale (I just ate, I just showered, I’m wearing too many clothes it won’t be accurate), but when you finally do the number staring back at you takes your breath away. And not in a good way. Not in a John Cusack holding a boombox outside of your window way. A sickening way.

Your clothes start to get tighter. It must have shrunk in the dryer. Then there is no denying it. They just don’t fit. You need new ones. You promise yourself you’ll just get one or two things until the weight comes off again and then you’ll reward yourself with brand new clothes to celebrate your hard work and perseverance. Waking up is a drag because you have no idea what to wear. Nothing really fits and nothing really looks good. Every outfit becomes a best effort, one that your throw an over-sized cardigan over and hope for the best.

Things hurt. Your body that you worked do hard to get healthy is now betraying you and groaning under the extra snacks and libations. Your knees hurt. Your hips hurt. It is hard to get comfortable and sleep well at night. You used to run miles after mile each week, now you loathe walking down the block when you don’t get a close parking spot.

You make promise after promise to yourself. You will get healthier. You will have energy again. You will stop hurting. You are two young to feel this way. 37 is too young to be falling apart.

But you’ll do it tomorrow. It’s always tomorrow. Because we always feel like we will have tomorrow.

I’m supposed to run the NYC marathon in 177 days. Fate, destiny, a higher power, luck, whatever you want to call it, has landed me this opportunity and I told myself this is what I needed to get back again. This would be my comeback. I would DO THIS.

But I have 177 days until this marathon and I haven’t run in weeks. And even though I used to run 10 miles at a time (albeit slow, but I did it), I know I can’t even run one anymore.

It breaks my heart. More than leaving my husband. More than my impending divorce. More than anything, this is what breaks my heart. That idea that I’m not who I used to be anymore. The idea that I am not who I am SUPPOSED to be anymore. The idea that I’m not who I was MEANT to be anymore.

It’s sobering and humiliating that I let it get this bad. That I crashed to the bottom once again only to feel that there is no way up at all this time. That I’ll tell myself I WILL get up and run tomorrow. And I WILL be healthier and happier for it.

And I don’t.

I want to but I don’t do it.

Even though I know I need to. I truly need to. To save myself before I’m swallowed up whole again.

From the old to the new

February 16, 2018 / Cassie / Leave a comment

I got my haircut today. And registered to run the NYC marathon. Two things that really needed to happen.

While my haircut is pretty great, we all know this isn’t what this post is about.

I earned my guaranteed entry by deferring my entrance from last year to this year. Last year I wasn’t ready. I thought getting in by lottery would make me ready. It didn’t. Life happened. And then more life. I stopped running. I stopped trying. I stopped everything.

But now things are different. I’m still not ready for this marathon. Not by a long shot. I’ll be one of those last finishers that everyone waits for, but I don’t care. I’ll do it anyway and be proud of any amount of time it takes me. Going from zero to marathon is no small feat. I know this.

I knew my guaranteed entry was coming but I hesitated signing up again. I would think yes, then no, then yes again, then no again…I think you get the picture. Then the lottery opened and my emailed arrived confirming what I already knew. And still I waited. After posting on social media about how I was unsure of which decision to make my friends and complete strangers encouraged me: it’s a once in a life time opportunity, don’t hesitate – just do it, I have faith in you. The words resonated with me so much and I began to think maybe I could do this. Maybe I could “run” a marathon.

But still…I waited. $295 dollars is no small amount of money and for someone who is paying the bills in two households, it’s more than I can waste. What if I chickened out again? What if the self-doubt and fear overtakes me? What if I really can’t do it? That’s a lot of money to flush down the drain.

And then, on whim, on a random Thursday night, I sold my old engagement ring. A ring I had picked out and essentially paid for myself. A ring that represented a marriage and a union that no longer existed. A ring that was bought for a person who no longer exists. I didn’t get a lot for it. Not nearly as much as we paid for it almost 16 years ago. But you know what it was enough to cover? An entry fee to the NYC marathon as well as some left over (training gear, perhaps?).

With a few clicks of a button it was done, and I was registered, letting a piece of who I once was turn me into someone I know I can be.

NYC 2018…here I come.

Nostalgia

January 17, 2018 / Cassie / Leave a comment

Nostalgia is a funny thing. I usually try and shy away from it as it tends to make me sad. I sugar coat the past at times, putting the shiny crystal sheen on things making me think I had it better when, in actuality, I probably didn’t. Charleston, kid free times, college – all things I think back on fondly, wishing I was still there in those moments, never really remembering the times that weren’t so good.

Today, though, was different.

I’ve been contemplating the idea of accepting my guaranteed entry to the NYC marathon since I dropped out last year. I told myself that maybe this was the year I would *actually* do it if I could just take the first step and get out the door to exercise. Today made three days in a row and I’m pretty damn proud of myself for that.

Today is cold. And snowy. But I managed to get the workout clothes on and out the front door to run/walk/jog/slide for 30 minutes.

As I began navigating the neighbor streets where I now live, the neighborhood streets where I lived years ago when I first began running, the nostalgia was overpowering. This is where it all began…my love for running. The shiny beacon in an otherwise tumultuous time in my life where I could barely stay afloat. And then out of the blue “Summertime Sadness” by Lana Del Rey came on and my heart stopped.

This could be the fall of 2013 when I first started running. That song took me right back to those moments so many years ago. The early mornings and sore legs. The darkness of running pre-dawn. The excitement I felt when I ran down certain streets and crested certain hills and the annoyance I felt with others.

Not only did I fall in love with running on these streets and sidewalks, for the first time I actually fell in love with myself.

This girl.

And this one.

The girl who completed her first Runner’s World Run Streak.

And her first half marathon.

The girl who was happiest and had the biggest smile when completely covered in sweat.

This wasn’t the same kind of nostalgia that I was used to. It wasn’t so much remembering what I had as discovering what I can absolutely have again.

With this short 30 minutes this morning I began to realize that maybe I never lost my love of running or even myself. Maybe it’s always been here. In this neighborhood. On these streets, waiting for me to return. Because this is where I belong.

This is for all the lonely people…

July 24, 2015 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“Being alone is very difficult.” ~Yoko Ono

Marathon training is not only hard, but it’s lonely. I don’t think it’s something you can truly understand until you go through it yourself. I have friends that have run marathons so I thought I got it. I most certainly did not.

I remember being out with friends, begging them to have one more drink, one more bite, one more anything, and scoffing when they said they couldn’t. Of course they can, I thought. They’re just being (insert word here). And of course, that’s when you could get them out at night. Because most times, you can’t. Now I know, though, that you can’t eat one more bite, because it might be the thing that puts you over the edge during your run that evening. And you can’t always have another drink or go out at all because you have to get up at 4 am to run X number of miles.

I know all this now. And it sucks.

What I need is someone to say “Let’s stay in and watch a movie tonight because I know you have a long run tomorrow.” Or “Here, have some water with lemon to hydrate for your run in the morning.” Or how about someone to tell me to put down the fucking cupcake or smack the Ritz crackers out of my hand.

But I don’t have a person like that. I don’t have a partner in crime for this adventure.

It’s hard to go through this alone and I wish, now, I would have been more understanding of my friends that have gone through it before me.

Balance is key, in all aspects of training, and I have to admit I’m doing a terrible job. I’m either too serious or not serious enough. Eating everything in the house or nothing at all. Running all the miles or hardly any.

And now that I’m injured, I am feeling all of this times 10. I know I need to rest, but I know I can’t not run. And no one gets it.

It’s officially 100 days until the marathon. I just have to make it through and then everything will go back to normal, right?

In all seriousness

June 8, 2015 / Cassie / 2 Comments

“One must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life.” ~Oscar Wilde

I don’t know what it is, but I can’t seem to push myself. I seem quite content at being complacent these days.

I’m supposed to be running a marathon in 5 months and I’m training for it like it’s a 5k, allowing myself to make excuses to cut runs short. I’d probably skip them altogether if it weren’t for this run streak.

I think maybe I’m not allowing myself to be serious about it so I have a reason to fail. That if I’m not ready for it I won’t have to do it. If I can’t finish it it’s because I wasn’t ready for it.

I think maybe I’m not allowing myself to be serious about this because I’m too concerned about what other people think. The whole “You’re training for a marathon? You?” pops into my head quite frequently when I imaginarily tell people about it.

I seem to always allow my life to be dictated by the thought of these “others”, people who I’m sure are judging me because I’ve probably judged them at some point. I try to be positive, but my thoughts are always so negative, especially the ones that I’ve directed at myself.

I need to remind myself that it’s OK to be serious about this and to take myself seriously. Even if no one else thinks so, I have to believe that I can do this.

From Where I Sit.

May 6, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Your life is your message to the world. Make sure it’s inspiring.”

I sometimes forget people are watching. I sometimes get so wrapped up in myself that I forget there are other people in the world. Not only do I forget that I’m being watched, but I forget that people in my life are watching me critically, with eyes open wide to take it all in. The things I do on an everyday basis are being scooped up by the people, both big and small, and I’m making lasting impressions.

This morning I came downstairs in my ratty running clothes. The beauty of being on maternity leave is that I don’t ever really have to look nice, especially if I’m not going anywhere during the day. But after I got the kids some breakfast and settled with a short (educational, I promise!) show I walked over the the bookshelf and grabbed my headphones.

“Oh! Are you going for your run, mom?”

It hit me, just from that one little sentence, how many things in our life just get NOTICED. Just from that sentence I learned that my 4 year old notices my running and he realizes that it’s a habit (grabbing headphones = running). In his own way I think he also realizes how important it is to me (your run).

I was thinking about this as I left the house and started on my way. A few houses down I saw a neighbor walking his dog. He’s the kind of neighbor that we’ve said say hi in passing, but we’ve never really spoken. As I passed him he says. “I was wondering when you were going to get back to running! I had noticed you stopped and didn’t know why until I saw you out with the baby the other day. It’s great that you’re getting back to it. I used to enjoy watching you pass. You were doing a great job.”

While my son noticed every time I was headed out for a run, other people who I had no real connection to were also noticing when I wasn’t running. Impressions are made in the big moments, but also in the small moments too. It can be in the grabbing of head phones, the handing handing of a book, a quick hello or nod as you pass by.

And with these little moments I begin to realize that maybe others are noticing me too. As much as I look to others for inspiration, I hope that I am inspiring others as well. I hope that my son who sees how much my runs mean to me finds something in his life that gives him that much joy and pleasure. I know I don’t look like a “typical” runner, but I hope that inspires those that are too scared to run because of fear of judgement. I hope that I can show others that if I can do it, they can do it.

It’s not necessarily about running, but really just getting out there and doing that thing you’re scared to do. Fear of doing something is usually manifested simply by fear of judgment from others. I was always scared that people would judge me as a runner simply because I was slow or didn’t look the part. But If I never would have gotten out there, I wouldn’t be where I am now…completely in love with this “thing”. It’s made me push myself and challenge myself in ways I never thought I could.

I hope that people look at me and my journey and realize there’s nothing to fear except fear. That sometimes you have to jump. That if you’re willing to take the leap of faith when everything tells you you shouldn’t you might just find something amazing. You might just find yourself.

Serious is as serious does

May 1, 2015 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.” ~Jackie Robinson

Crackers. That’s what my life’s been about these days. Ritz crackers.

I don’t know why, but I have become obsessed with them. I’ll even buy them when they’re not on sale, which for me is a very big deal. They’re buttery. They’re salty. Like the little black dress, they go with everything. They also have almost a gram of fat per cracker…and let’s not even get into the ingredients. Yet lately, I can’t stop eating them.

It’s not for lack of healthy food. I have hummus and veggies and fruit (oh my!). It’s simply lack of desire. Frankly, it feels like a case of the “W’s”. Why bother? Who cares? What does it matter? Where am I actually going? When am I going to get myself together?

The truth of the matter is that I haven’t been taking myself seriously. I’ve just been eating and lazing about. Sure, I just had a baby a few weeks ago and most people seem to think I should just be laying in bed, holding my baby, and eating chips. But that’s not me. At least, it’s not anymore. Two ago it was. Post Oliver and Maxwell it was. But it’s not now and I know that I can’t go back to that.

While I think my cracker habit is innocuous, the wine and chocolate habit certainly isn’t and the scale is reminding me of that every Friday morning as I step on. Before, when the numbers went up, I could always just tell myself I was building muscle so it was ok. At that time, though, I was also running 25 miles awake so that was probably true. Not so much right now.

I signed up for 6 races while I was pregnant, hinging on the fact that having a goal or end point was going to make me jump right back after having the baby. With one of these being the New York City TCS Marathon I need to start taking the idea of running them seriously.

I feel like I fluctuate between “hell yes” and “hell no” whenever I think about actually completing the marathon. Moment of gut-wrenching truth? I have this feeling like I KNOW I am going to chicken out which is why I’m not training like I should.

I’m not taking this seriously and I’m not taking myself seriously. That is a problem. I still have trouble identifying myself as a “runner”, even more so now since I really can’t run again yet. I still get hung up on the fact that other people might not see me as a runner. I somehow automatically assume that everyone is judging me and the real reason is because I can’t stop judging myself.

I need to hold myself more accountable. I need to take myself seriously…even if other people don’t.

Because screw them.

I’m running the freaking New York City Marathon. And it’s going to be awesome.

The Last Supper…

April 20, 2015 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Abandon all hope ye who enter here.” ~Dante

As you may or may not have read here (depending on if you follow my self involved ramblings on my blog), I entered the lottery for the TCS NYC Marathon…and was accepted. I won’t go into much detail because the whole story is listed on the link above, but I have to say that each day I float between elation and crippling fear.

It sounded like a great idea in January. It was still 11 months away. The chances of me getting in, especially for the first time, was slim to none. I was safely encased in my pregnancy…a legitimate excuse not to run or really train for that matter so I wasn’t injured, or ultra tired (except for being pregnant), or broke because of race entry fees. But now, I’m 12 days post baby and the marathon is 196 days away. 28 weeks. Approximately 7 months. As the little one and I blog together this evening I can’t help but wonder if I wasn’t completely insane for even considering this.

Insanity, is of course, a relative term. This is going to be tough, no doubt about it. But I’m itching to get started again. As of Friday I am down 20 pounds since my last pregnancy visit…that’s actually 3 pounds less than my lowest weight pre-pregnancy. It’s definitely motivating.

But, for the past 12 days I’ve also kind of let myself go. It’s been nice to have wine. It’s been nice to eat more than a few bites without feeling full. It’s been nice to not have heartburn with EVERY SINGLE FOOD that I eat. And really…should we even mention the Easter candy that is finally gone (with much of my help). But not anymore. This week-end has been a “last supper” if you will. I went a little more indulgent, a little more unhealthy, a last hoorah of bad decisions before jumping in wholeheartedly.

It’s time though. I’ve had my share of wine, sugar and fried food. I’m ready to get back on the wagon and really put my heart and soul into this training, eating healthier, and really moving forward with my life. I could say that it’s all about the marathon, but really, it’s more than that. I now have three beautiful, wonderful kids that I want to be around for for many years to come. I’m not only training for a marathon, I’m training for life.

Tonight I raise my glass…to me and all I’m going to accomplish this year, especially the NYC Marathon. Even if I’m last I’m going to kick some ass.

This week’s training goal: 20 miles walking at a rigorous pace

Everything you want is on the other side of fear

April 7, 2015 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear. It inhabits us in some form every day. This post could be about how I’m about to give birth for the third time tomorrow. And of course, this terrifies me.

This post could be about how I’m about to be a mother of three kids instead of two and I have no idea how I’m really going to do it, let alone, having no idea how to parent a girl. And of course, this terrifies me.

But this isn’t about that. Those things are fear inducing, yes, but I know I can do it. So, while the fear is there, it’s not “real”, it’s not tangible. No matter what, I will succeed at this because failure is not an option.

This post isn’t about that kind of fear. It’s not about the fear you have when you know you will survive. It’s about the fear you have when you jump head first into something you’ve never done before, something you don’t even know if you can do, something where there is essentially no safety net. This post is about jumping headfirst into something you have a 98% chance of failing at…and doing it anyway.

While this post isn’t about my pregnancy, per se, it definitely is impacted by it. For most of my life, I have suffered from insomnia. I don’t sleep a lot and I don’t sleep well. This can be rather helpful as a parent, though when pregnancy induced insomnia rears its ugly head and you are getting 4 hours of sleep as a pregnant woman, a mom, and a kindergarten teacher, reason seems to go out the window. And that is essentially where we begin.

Because it was this pregnancy induced insomnia that lead me to be on Twitter at 3 am on a random January “morning”. And it was this sleeplessness that had me on the New York Road Runners website scouting out some post-baby races. And it was this incredible exhaustion that had me reminiscing about how much I loved running and couldn’t wait to get back to it. And it was this amazing weariness of both mind and body that led to the major lack of judgement when I entered the lottery to run in the TCS NYC Marathon.

I knew the chances of getting in via lottery were super slim. I knew less than 10% of people are accepted. So I put the phone down, attempted to go back to sleep and put it out of my mind.

And it was. I went about my life. I ran intermittently. I started a a new Girls on the Run group. I parented and taught and my life went forward as it always did.

Until March 3rd. When somehow, in some strange twist of fate, I received this e-mail:

At first I couldn’t breath. Then I was excited. Then I was downright petrified. How the hell was I going to do this? I barely made it through my half marathon in October. At 5 months pregnant I could barely manage to talk by the end of it, let alone have completed another 13.1 miles. Not only did I take a spot from a real runner, someone who dreams of the NYC marathon the way I pregnantly dream about cake and wine, but if I decided to go through with this, I was ultimately going to fail.

And for the past month, all I could think about was the fact that I was going to fail at this. That I should drop out. That I should quit so I could just stop worrying. Then today I woke up and thought, maybe I wouldn’t. Sure, there is a 98% percent chance that I would fail, that I won’t be able to finish the marathon. But how will I know until I try. I began making a list of the reasons I might not fail. I began making a list so I could see that glimmer of hope in the 2%. And while I was only really able to come up with 2 things, here they are:

1. I was able to finish a half marathon at 5 months pregnant. I had barely trained because the beginning of my pregnancy had been emotionally and physically challenging. I had finished the half in 4 hours with running very little of it. The time limit for the TCS NYC Marathon is 8 hours. With the proper training, there is a chance I can do this, even if I come in dead last.

2. I was able to accomplish this (and this, and this). And somehow, it seems, when I make up my mind to do something, I don’t let anything stand in my way.

When I really began thinking about it, I realized my fear was mostly about what the “others” would think. What would my real runner friends think? What would my everyday friends think? Would any of them think I could do it? Would any of them tell me to my face that I could totally do it, but then think negatively behind my back?

And did any of that really matter? They weren’t running this thing, I was. And that’s when I had my answer. I was going to do it. I might fail, I might not. But that’s not really the important part. The important part is the idea that I could try.

I would try. 2% and all, I would try.

See you in November, NYC.

Grace Before Perfection

Mom. Teacher. Wanna-be most things. Lover of almost everything except talking on the phone. Oh, and I read a lot of books. Like an unhealthy amount.

marathon