I can’t believe it’s been so many years since I’ve written in this blog. I used to write almost every day and now it’s been years. I can absolutely promise this post will make zero sense to anyone who doesn’t have my brain, but really, it feels good to write again.

My closest friends know what’s going on with me. After being surplused by my principal who doesn’t like me, I broke. Three months of a major depressive episode. While I used to think I had reached the bottom before, I hadn’t. This was the bottom. For three months. People who I thought were my friends have basically stopped texting, I assume it’s because I dug my whole so far down that most people are scared to venture that far. It’s hard down here in the trenches. But the people I have been friends with for over 10 years, They are the ones who are here. They are reconnecting. And I couldn’t be happier.

I will always believe it’s the people who love you at your lowest are the ones you should love unconditionally. Time doesn’t matter. Distance doesn’t matter. What matters is that there are people out there that care. There are people out there who will always answer your call or text.

I just had a job interview. The people who checked in with me after? All old friends. Friends I probably hadn’t talked to in years and yet they are still checking in with me. Insert crying emoji.

I literally don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I have friends that can’t talk to me because their wife doesn’t like that their friend is a girl. I have friends who I used to message multiple times a day and now I never hear from them. I have friends who won’t even answer a text.

But I also have friends who I have been with for over 20 years and it doesn’t matter how long we’ve been apart, we will always find each other again.

“I need you like God needs the Devil, honey
Someday soon, this dust’s gonna settle
Come real quick and get inside my mind
‘Cause when I’m all f- up
I don’t feel no pain
Won’t you run to me, run through my veins?
Baby, won’t you come and get me high?”

I realize this is mostly brain gibberish. But that’s my brain lately. I feel like I’m constantly writing posts or having conversations. My brain never shuts off. I’ve learned recently that this is not normal lol.

All this nonsense to say, I hope I can write more. I hope I can put my thoughts into the world through print. Even if no one evers reads it. Even if I sound insane. Getting these words out of my head helps.

Maybe this is my new era. The one where I’m honest with everyone else and with myself without the fear of exclusion or judgement.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the time where instead of breaking I learn how to put myself back together again.