moving on

Where did it come from? And please don’t let it go away.

/ Cassie / 2 Comments

“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.  Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” ~Helen Keller

I can’t figure out what is different about this time.  Am I more motivated? Am I tired of failing? Do I feel like I have something to prove?  Did the status quo get too much to handle?

Point is, I’m uber-motivated lately…and I love it.  I not only feel the need to get shit done, I am actually doing it.  Whether it is home, school, or exercise, things seem to be moving along in a generally positive direction.  I don’t know if the running is helping my mood, or if my mood is helping my running.  Frankly, I don’t care.  What matters is that I am doing it.  Normally, at this point, I would start becoming skeptical of the situation and be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but not this time.  I know that I need to keep on going positively and I am determined to do it.

Even with my running, I am feeling like this is something that I can keep doing.  I know it’s only been a week and half but I don’t see an end in sight.  Normally by now I would have given up, or gotten tired, or simply felt defeated.  But not this time.  I know that tomorrow when I get up to run I will probably be slower than a turtle in peanut butter, but I will be doing it anyway.  Even today, when I wasn’t running because I had deep water jog, I was missing it and was itching to go.  I know I have to pace myself and build up endurance, but it’s becoming something I want to do and maybe even *gasp* enjoy (especially when I go at 5 am and no one is around to hear me sing when I run).

And, quite honestly, I need this.  Things were not going well, in so many areas of my life, and I knew that if I didn’t take action soon, something dire would have happened. I was beyond depressed; a feeling I hadn’t felt in so many years.  I couldn’t see the light and felt like I was simply holding on by a thread.

I am not ashamed to admit that running is saving my life in more ways than one.  And I will continue to run for as long as it’s helping…and then after that.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 12.4
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 4.2 pounds

The Warm September of My Years

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“You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford

Oh, September, how I’ve missed you.  The other evening while I was driving around I smelled a fire which, in my mind, signifies that fall is finally approaching.  It reminded me that no matter how I’m feeling through all of the yesterdays that I won’t always feel like this.  Summer was a long and bumpy road this year and honestly, except for the fact that I’d love to not be working, I’m so happy that it’s over.  I’m ready to move on and move forward and put certain aspects of the past behind me, just as the summer moves into fall.

I look back on the list of things I wanted to accomplish and see that I actually did make progress during August…a month I didn’t think I would be able to accomplish anything. I made it to the gym (though not really in the last two weeks), I found schools for both Oliver and Max, I’ve spent a lot of quality time with both kids, I’ve read books both new and old, I’ve pretty much cut all soda out of my diet, and I worked hard to get my classroom set up and ready for the new school year.  It’s nice to see that I was able to accomplish some of the goals I set forth.

Now that September is here I feel a renewed sense of purpose.  I’m beginning to become excited for the changes that may come my way.  I feel like I’m ready for challenges again instead of slinking away from them.  I’m ready to build back up things that have remained broken for so long.

It’s time to get back to work and back to realizing that I am worth the trouble, time, and dedication.

I’m no longer afraid of failing.  I’m more afraid of not trying.

On a wave of mutilation…

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

“Listen, smile, agree.  And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway.” ~Robert Downey Jr.

Last night (or even yesterday in general) was the first day, in quite a while, that I didn’t spend a significant amount of time in tears.  I attribute a lot of this to my friend Sara, who saw what I needed, acted on it and wouldn’t take no for an answer.  It’s hard to find friends like that; the ones who show up without being asked, the ones who are there for everything (even the bad stuff), who have seen you at your worst and are still there in the morning, who tell you what you need to hear even if it isn’t what you want to hear.

After a much needed (and clarifying) night out, I woke up serene and without the familiar pit of despair in my stomach that has been there over the summer.  I was able to breathe.  I was actually ready to face the day.  Now, don’t interpret this as me thinking that all my problems and challenges have disappeared because of a glass of wine, a slice of cheesecake, and a night out with a friend.  I’m not that naive.  All of my issues are still there, but today is the first day in a long time I feel like I might actually be able to face them.

I spent my morning wandering around my empty house.  The kids were with the grandparents, the husband was at class and it was the first time I had truly been alone in a while.  I’m the type of person who likes to be alone, though not necessarily feel alone. As I walked around my completely unorganized and cluttered house, I was thinking about how much I had hoped to accomplish this summer, but never really got around to it for one reason or another.  As usual, I wished there was some way to turn back time, to do it all over and not make the same mistakes again.

Then I though, what a waste of time, sitting around wishing I had used my time more effectively or wishing I had more time.  How often do we all do that; sitting around spending so much time focusing on the past that we are actually forgetting to live right now?  Throughout my life I have spent so much time focusing on things that have happened: wishing I hadn’t spent so much time focusing on people who didn’t share my same feelings, wishing I had started something differently or ended something differently, wishing I hadn’t concentrated on one thing over another. I know I can’t be the only one.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that no matter how much time I have wasted, I still have time left.  And I realize how lucky I am that I can say that. So, instead of constantly dwelling on the things from the past that I would change if I could, it’s time to move forward and put that energy into what I want out of the present and the future.

I have no idea what that is right now, but at least I have a little time to figure it out.