past

“We met for a reason. You’re either a blessing or a lesson.” ~Frank Ocean

There are very few things we do without the help of others. Many times there’s the “overt help”, the help you can see and understand, the type of help that never masks itself as anything other than help. It’s help simplified or help understood. We can take it at face value for what it is.

Then there’s the other kind of help. The help that swoops in wearing a mask. The help that may take days, or weeks, or even years to show itself. The help that you are fairly certain is actually not help at all.

This help comes in so many forms: toxic friendships, heart break, depression, fear. At first, these things are a negative force in our life, ripping us apart from the inside out, tearing us down so much that we believe we may never be able to build ourself up again. We believe there is no way for us to ever be whole.

But you know what I’ve learned? This is sometimes the best kind of help. While it may change our lives drastically, many times we come out the other side a little worse for the wear, but seemingly better overall. This is the kind of help that forces us to make decisions, make changes, face our demons. This is the kind of help that not only changes who we are, but makes us who we are.

Usually we vilify those people who change our lives in this way. We feel that that they’ve taken some essential part from us and we yearn to get it back, to make ourselves who we once were. But for me, at least today, I want to say thank you.

Thank you to the toxic friends, without whomI never would have discovered some of the truly amazing people in my life.

Thank you to the those who have caused substantial heartbreak, without which I never would have found running.

Thank you to the depression that has overtaken me on numerous occasions, without which I never would have known how wonderful simple joys can be.

It’s time to put the past behind me and move forward, embracing everything that’s gotten me where I am today, both positive and negative.

I finally think I’m ready.

“The first recipe for happiness is: avoid too lengthy meditations on the past.” ~Andre MauroisI

This post started out in a funny way. All day I had been thinking about writing something pertaining to my constant focus on the past rather then on the present or future. As usual, I had trouble starting my post. I really didn’t know what I wanted to say, or maybe, I knew what I wanted to say, but really had no idea how to say it in a clever way.

So what did I do? I looked back at past things I wrote trying to find some witty analogy to start with…and it hit me. I do this constantly when trying to figure out how to solve a problem. I look to the past hoping that it’s already been solved. That way I don’t actually have to do any work at all.

I seem to have an obsession with the past. I am always looking back thinking the grass was greener or I was happier then than I am now. It is really happiness or is it simply nostalgia? What is it about an event being in the past that makes it seem sweeter or kinder to us than it was before? For some reason I feel that the present and future can never measure up when, in reality, I’m not really giving them a chance.

What it really boils down to, in the simplest terms, is that I am a giant scaredy cat. I fear making decisions specifically because I don’t want to be wrong. I look back at the past and think, “I was happier then so I should do this” or even “I made the wrong decision that time, lets take the other road now.”

I finally got a haircut yesterday after weeks and weeks of saying that I was going to. Why did it take me so long? Because I was so scared that once it was done I was going to regret the decision. Not only was I scared about the amount of regret I would have, but what would other peopler think? Some people told me not to get my hair cut. Should I listen to them or do what i want? I know this is a pretty insignificant example, but if I freak out this much about a hair cut, think about what happens when I have to make real life decisions.

Do I look back to the past and pick decisions based on how receptive they were by my friends and family (and even strangers) and try to repeat the ones that were the most agreeable to others in my life? Is that why the past is so important to me, because it holds the acceptance of others?

The bigger question is how honest am I being with myself? Do I make decisions based on what I want, or based on what other people might think about the decisions I am making. I’m constantly joking with one of my friends that I am 32 years old and really don’t have time for drama in my life anymore. Even as I say those words I realize I am a big, fat hypocrite. Even when I’m being honest here, I’m not being completely honest. I have secrets like everyone else. Things I can’t put in print or even talk about for fear of being judged.

Am I doomed to constantly look towards the past or will I ever be able to just accept my present and future, judgement and all?

Here’s me in the moment. Judge away.

Grace Before Perfection

Mom. Teacher. Wanna-be most things. Lover of almost everything except talking on the phone. Oh, and I read a lot of books. Like an unhealthy amount.

The Forgotten Thank You

(Past), Present, and Future