Race Recap and a bunch of other randomness

April 27, 2014 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“If you start soon enough, you won’t have to catch up.”

This week-end was absolutely gorgeous. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and all that other wonderful spring-timeness that we know and love. A friend and I completed the Port to Fort 6K this week-end in downtown Baltimore. This was my first time ever running an event (not racing, because we all know I wasn’t going to win) that was more than a 5K. The race itself was beautiful, but tough and had a lot of hills. My friend walked, I ran (THE WHOLE THING!) and she beat me by a minute and a half.

I don’t know what it is about running races, but I am trying my hardest to get over the mental roadblock that I put up. This race was a little under four miles. I run that distance about twice a week, but I run it at home, alone, and in the dark. This definitely felt a lot harder with crowds of people, time limits, and expectations. I always feel like I am doing a great job and then the hoards of people start passing me. And then the people who are miles ahead of me pass me on their way back to the finish line and I start to get defeated.

I know I am improving. I know that running for four miles at any pace is an awesome accomplishment. I also know that just 6 months ago I could barely run at all and it took me over an hour to finish a 5K. But sometimes I forget that there is another part to the package. I keep telling myself that I’m not a “real” runner so I don’t have to take myself seriously. I keep telling myself that because I’m a real runner, I don’t have to do all that “extra” stuff. I keep telling myself that because I’m not a real runner, I don’t have to push myself to improve. And this is simply not true. I am never going to be one of those runners that runs a 6 minute mile. Hell, at this point I’m hoping for a 12 minute mile. But I can get there if I try. I can get there if I stop making excuses.

I know that in order to get better I have to run more. I know that in order to get better I have to make myself know that this is important.

I know that in order to get better I just have to keep going.

The view at mile marker 2 of the Port to Fort 6K

Color Us Amazing

April 19, 2014 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Family mean no one gets left behind or forgotten.” ~David Ogden Stiers

I took the Fitbit off for a week. I wanted to let it run all the way out and start all over. I was pushing myself too hard with it. Suddenly, just reaching the 10,000 steps a day wasn’t enough. Once I hit 100,000 for a seven day total I felt like I needed to stay there and I was putting way too much pressure on myself. I finally put it back on today for the Color Run.

Yesterday’s color run total. Today I was down to zero.

Today is Max’s 5th birthday. In order to celebrate a little differently, we ran the Color Run in Baltimore as a family. The kids had a blast and people seemed pretty impressed that they were running a lot of it, especially Ollie (the 3yo) and finished it without strollers, etc. Mike had a lot of fun too! We’re excited to do another one in the future. The best part was, even after half walking, half running, I wasn’t tired or sore at all. Not even after coming home and sitting for a while. I can really feel a difference my running has made and I couldn’t be happier to share my new love and hobby with my family.

Max with his color run gear before leaving

Pre-Color Run Family Photo

Oliver after all the color

Max is tired, but colorful

Post Color Run! We had a blast!

The truth will set you free

April 13, 2014 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” ~Thomas Jefferson

I began writing in this blog as a way to get all the random thoughts out of my head, but also as a way to tell my story. But as I look back, I realize I haven’t necessarily been upfront and honest. I haven’t necessarily given all the facts and explained the whole situation. Mostly, this is due to fear. And judgement from people. And to be perfectly frank, I’m tired of hiding behind fear.

I guess you could say it all began with a trip to Oregon. At first I was excited. A trip to the West Coast with a bunch of friends from work and a few days off from the kids to go along with it. What’s not to love?

Then I remembered that I would have to take an airplane. Then I remembered I would have to fit into an airplane seat and buckle my seat belt. Then I remembered every single article I have ever come across about airlines who kick people off the plane for being too fat. Then I remembered that maybe I would miss my kids and I shouldn’t go after all.

I belonged to a gym, joined in some arbitrary moment of “I can do this!” but at that point my workouts consisted of the 5 minutes I could stand on the elliptical or treadmill and then 30 minutes on the sit down bike. Throw in a couple of easy strength exercises on the machines, and I thought I was actually accomplishing something. The fear of getting on the plane and being embarrassed in front of people I had to work with motivated me to do something I had never done before…buy a scale.

After searching for what seemed like hours at a K-mart next to the gym, I finally found one. I raced home, carried it up to the bathroom, and after ripping off every ounce of clothing and all hair accessories that could add weigh, I gingerly stepped on the scale.

331.

No, that is not a typo. That was the actual number. And while I didn’t want it to be true, I knew it was. I sat down on the bathroom floor and cried for about 10 minutes. How had it gotten this bad? How had I let myself get this far gone? Once I got control of myself, I got up, got dressed, and came up with a plan. That summer I worked my butt off and in two months (right before my flight) I had lost 20 pounds. I know that’s not a lot, but to me it was everything. It represented that I could actually do this.

Long story short, they didn’t kick me off the plane, though I did need a seat belt extender. But the heart wrenching fear I felt as I approached that first plane was probably the worst in my life. I didn’t sleep for nearly a week. I vowed that I would continue working out when I got home and would get myself to a healthy place.

And I did. For awhile. Until once again, life got in the way. That fall I worked out here and there, but nothing significant. Between two kids under 3, teaching kindergarten, and trying to be a good wife and mother, I never seemed to find time for the gym. Finally in January, after realizing I had gained back 12 pounds (bringing me back up to 321) a friend and I decided to sign up for the Y-fit challenge (the YMCA’s version of the biggest loser). And through that I fell in love with working out. I lost about 35 pounds, completed my first 5-K and began to gain back some of the confidence I so desperately needed.

And then, as most stories go, my world turned upside down. During the summer (on my last day of school) my dad died. We had a rather tumultuous relationship (see posts from then) and I didn’t think it would really affect me. But it did. In ways that I will never quite understand. And the gym took a back burner yet again. Luckily, I only gained about 5 pounds, but by the time school started again, I was a jumbled wreck. I didn’t know what was up or down or right or wrong. All I knew was that I needed something to change. I needed to be saved.

So I went for a run. And really, that is the true beginning of my story. Because on that day I was reborn. I learned that I can decide how my life is going to go. I am in charge of myself, my decisions, and my happiness. I can decide to begin to heal, and grow, and change for the better. And I did. Or, at the very least I’m in the process.

Over the months I ran occasionally, went to the gym, got injured, and then began again and again. In January, on the eve of my 33 birthday, I hit my 50 pound mark (60 if you count from my pre-plane freak out weight). And I’m still going.

I was looking back on old pictures today. Pictures from pre-kids, pictures from post-kids, pictures from last year, last week, last month and I can’t believe the difference. It’s not even just the weight, but the confidence, the happiness, the fact that there are more pictures now than there were before. These are all indicators that maybe this time is the right time. Maybe I’m finally exactly where I need to be.

And at 269 pounds I am currently running 15 miles a week and training for my first half marathon in the fall. While I still have so far to go, I’ve never felt better. I’m ready to begin this new chapter in my life.

I had to start and stop, begin and end, give up and keep going, numerous times to get to this point.

But if I can do it, so can anyone. If I can do it, so can you.

2009-2013

The last 10 months…

Maybe I can

March 30, 2014 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse.”

I haven’t written in a while because things around here have been crazy busy. With snow days, Max’s new round of IEP meetings, my last formal observation of the year, and professional development classes I feel like I can barely get my head above water. With all that said, things haven’t been all bad and stressful. I’ve still been running, trying (my hardest) to eat healthy, and curb those tendencies I have to completely freak out and run away from the world.

Two weeks ago a couple of amazing things happened, both big and small. Beginning with the big: I completely ran my first 5k! My last race was in November, so I guess you could consider this a “come back” race. My time was amazingly slow, but that didn’t matter. I didn’t come in last, and I ran the whole thing. And no matter how much my legs hurt (in the quest for beer and a bathroom I forgot to stretch), I woke up Tuesday morning and finished three miles. It’s nice knowing that this is becoming a “thing” for me now, a habit that I am not willing to break, something I need to do. My times are still slow and they may never get better, but I don’t care. That’s not what this is about anymore.

Last week-end I took the little for a bike ride and jogged behind them. We went for about a mile before we came to the park. It was then that I realized I had jogged for a mile behind my kids and was not out of breath at all. True, we we’re going that fast, but the idea that running a mile was not something that could brake me anymore was truly amazing. A year ago just walking to the park would have left me tired and winded, and now I feel like I have so much more energy, which is a great thing considering I have two small boys.

For the past two weeks I have stuck with my running plan and am up to 5 miles on my “long runs”. I have to stop some times, but who cares? I’m doing something I never thought I could do. And, triumph of triumphs? I’ve officially run 100 miles since the beginning of 2014. 100 miles in 3 months. It took me five months to walk/run this amount previously.

It’s amazing what we can accomplish when we don’t give up on ourselves…even when other’s may have given up on us.

Breath in, breath out, let go.

March 9, 2014 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“Sometimes life knocks you on your ass… get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.” ~Steve Maraboli

I haven’t posted in quite some time (almost 3 weeks!) and really, I have no good reason. The truth is, I had a pretty sad few weeks in February. I don’t know why, I never know why, it is what it is. I barely ran at all…and when I did, it wasn’t good. I couldn’t get in the mindset of it. I couldn’t get past how tired my legs and feet were. I couldn’t get past how slow I was going. So in typical me fashion, I stopped. And while my muscles may have felt better (I was still going to the gym), my mind didn’t.

Then Wednesday I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. So, I figured, why not go for a run. Even if I wound up walking it, it was still a form of exercise. But as soon as I stepped foot outside and started running, the world seemed to drift away and all my problems and worries and anxieties went with it. After two miles I still felt great so I finished up another half mile before heading home to get ready for work. And it felt so good to be out of my head for that amount of time, just me and my music in the dark morning, that I got up the next morning and did 3 more. And then did more on the treadmill on the gym the following morning. And then did another 3 today.

While I know this is beating a dead horse (as I seem to state it every 5 minutes), I can’t believe how far I’ve come. I remember a almost a year ago taking part in my first 5K and not believing that I was able to complete it at all just by walking. Now, I’ve signed up for a half-marathon, a feat I never thought I would accomplish. I remember week three of couch to 5K and feeling like I was going to die when I had to run for a 5 minute stretch. And now I’ve run at least 3 miles multiple times. I remember, in the beginning, after any run, I would pretty much be immobile for the rest of the day. And just today, I ran 3 miles, then walked another 2 with the littles later on in the afternoon.

With every step I could feel myself letting go of the things that have been weighing me down. I could feel my strength returning, knowing I was going to be able to handle the new challenges that would come my way. I could feel my head clearing, seeing answers that have been in front me me all along.

That doesn’t mean, my world has dramatically changed. There are going to be bad days and bad weeks and maybe even bad months. My problems aren’t going to go away. My stresses will probably be multiplied over time. But I need to remember the feeling I am having this week. The feeling that I can accomplish things. The feeling that I can get out of my head and leave my worries behind, at least for a little while. The feeling that I am the one who decides which way my life should go by the choices that I make.

Because every moment is filled with these choices. Run or don’t run, move on or stay put, feel sad or feel happy, hold on or let go?

100 Mile Challenge Miles Completed: 46.7

Current Weekly Miles: 12

I claim defeat

February 19, 2014 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure.” ~George Edward Woodberry.

Nice quote. Today I don’t buy it. My run sucked. I know why and I don’t know why all at the same time.

This was my second run, back to back, that sucked. My past two runs have sucked, and incidentally, I was just feeling in stride and rhythm with this whole running thing and thinking that maybe this was finally getting easier.

Guess what, it’s not.

I want to quit. I want to give up. I want to live a happy, peaceful life on the elliptical and sit down bike at the gym instead running.

But…

Thursday I’ll lace up the damn running shoes again.

And I’ll go for it even when all parts of me and shouting and screaming.

At this point, it’s not even because I want to. It’s because I have to.

There’s no such thing has a bad run.

February 16, 2014 / Cassie / 1 Comment

“Anybody can be a runner. We were meant to move. We were meant to run. It’s the easiest sport.” ~Bill Rodgers

Today was supposed to be my easy run day. In my training schedule Sundays are the days when I only run 2 miles, no matter what. I can go any speed I want as long as I complete the run. The best and worst part of having a schedule is always knowing when and how long you are supposed to run. Knowing I only had to do 2 miles today made me overestimate myself. I had just done 3 miles on Friday and most of it was uphill so 2 miles was going to be a piece of cake. I didn’t have anything to worry about

Long story short, it was the worst 2 miles I have run yet. What could go wrong, did go wrong. First my shoes felt too loose, then they felt too tight. The sidewalks are covered with ice so I had to run on the road which wouldn’t have been so bad but there is also a ton of ice on road and I have to stop and wait every time a car drives by. My legs felt tired and heavy even from the very beginning (it usually takes a while).

And then the worst possible thing happened. After running for only about 5 minutes, my Map My Run app announces that I’ve run a mile. Um…no. I haven’t. I know this 2 mile loop. I run it every week. I am no where near a mile. These are all the things I am yelling at my phone…outloud. For me, the first mile is always the hardest. Usually, once I hear my phone tell me I’ve hit a mile, it’s all smooth sailing. So, now, knowing this app is completely wrong and messed up, I am so pissed off that I basically give up especially because this is not the first time it has happened.

Around what my Map My Run App said was mile 2, I began to get back into the swing of things and get my bearings. For a while on my run I blamed my bad mood on the app, but really, it was me. I knew I was going to have to run today and just assumed that because I had been able to complete every run up until now that this one would be easy.

But last night I got a lot of sleep (as in 5 hours more than normal), making me more tired than usual. I haven’t done my hip strengthening exercises in a week. I did an hour of cardio and bike riding the day before. I was clearly dehydrated since I drank almost no water the day before. I had too many hard ciders (celebrating a night with no kids for the first time in a month). I ate a crappy dinner (don’t ask) and then ate salty tortilla chips for a snack (ugh). All this stuff combined together, including my terrible attitude, really affected my run. I never really thought about things like drinking enough water or eating the right meal the night before could have such a negative effect, simply because when I first started out I couldn’t do it anyway. One crappy meal or one glass of water was not going to propel me past feeling like death after running for 5 minutes.

While my run was terrible (lets not even talk about times, considering I’m already as slow as a turtle), it was definitely enlightening. I’m learning now the more I push myself in the running department, the more I need to take care of myself in other areas. I can’t slack off in one area and hope that it doesn’t effect the others. And now that I’m actually doing THIS I need to do it the right way.

So, the rest of today is all about drinking water, stretching, making friends with my foam roller, and planning my meals for the week.

Oh yeah, and finally buying a Garmin because I am so over the Map My Run lady telling me I ran a mile in 5 minutes. That would have been nice…but no.

The Long Way Home

February 15, 2014 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“You live but once, you might as well be amusing.” ~Coco Chanel

Do you ever get that feeling that you know you want to write but you have no idea what you are going to say? That’s how I feel at this moment. I feel like I’ve been writing this post in my head all week, but when I sit to write, nothing is actually coming out.

My workout schedule is going well and I have managed to follow it for two weeks. Now that I’m running more and going to the gym less I know I need to work more on my stretching and strength training. I neglected it this week, and after my run today I can definitely feel it.

I started talking up the fact that I signed up for the Baltimore Half Marathon to some friends at work and a lot of people seem really interested. A few have even signed up already. It really shows me how much I have grown during my running and since the summer.

6 months ago, if someone had said something about going running with me or running a race with me I would have laughed and tried to figure out some way to get out of it. I would have been too embarrassed about my size, my ability, and my speed to even contemplate running near someone I know. Even today when I decided to run this afternoon instead of tomorrow (too busy, more snow) I ran in broad daylight in my tight running pants singing along (rather softly) to my music. I was super slow with all the snow and ice, I wore an old ratty t-shirt, and sweat was dripping down my face and I just didn’t care.

And the fact is, why should I? I’m doing this for me, not for anyone else. Sure, the more the merrier. I love when I hear that I have motivated someone to run or workout, and I am still desperately searching for a (non-speedy) running buddy, but that’s not why I am doing what I do. I have no problem being friend or a motivator or a cheerleader for anyone who needs it. I don’t know what I would have done without mine. But the days are gone where I always need someone to hold my hand and go with me as I jumped into the unknown abyss. I no longer feel the need for the outside reassurance that I so constantly craved.

I stepped on the scale today for the first time since I hit my 50 pound mark. And guess what. I’m still at the 50 pound mark. This would have bothered me before, but not now. I know my clothes are getting looser, even the next size down for some of my items is too big. The number on the scale doesn’t define me like it once did. While it took me a long time to figure it out, that’s not what this running journey is about anyway.

Every day I remember why I started running in the first place. August, and the summer in general, had been tough and one day I had had enough. I was depressed, and moody, and couldn’t find joy in even the smallest things. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. So I went for a run. Or really, not even a run, as I couldn’t even run a quarter of a mile without stopping for a break. And while I didn’t get serious about it until January, it quite literally saved my life, and continues to do so every time I venture out. The first mile is always the hardest, but once I hit it, I feel like there is no stopping me.

I know I’m still super slow. I know I don’t look like all the other runners out there. And frankly, I just don’t care. Months ago I would have. Months ago I wouldn’t have even thought to run when other runners, “real runners” might be out there. I didn’t want to embarrass myself. But with the smiles and waves I got today as I trudged along through the snow and slush, I know no one is judging me except for me.

And right now, I’m feeling pretty fabulous.

100 Mile Challenge Miles Completed: 24

Weeks to the Baltimore Half Marathon: 35

Current Weekly Miles: 9

In vino veritas…unless you’re giving it up

February 9, 2014 / Cassie / Leave a comment

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

If you read my last post, you know I did something completely insane. I signed up for a half marathon. And I don’t just mean “signed up”. I mean paid a rather large entrance fee to run with other people who are “real runners” and huff and puff for 13.1 miles…after which I will promptly die. I know I am NOWHERE close to being ready for it yet, but the half marathon isn’t until October, so I know I have time to get there.

After making the commitment, I decided that I should actually get serious about it. Since I’ve only been running off and on for a few months, a couple times a week at most I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing. I don’t know a lot about “training” or pacing or any of that other runner lingo, so I did what anyone else in my position would do…took to the computer. So, after much internet (Pinterest) research I created a plan that includes running and cross training and takes me to June. This is the first week in my training plan and I’m proud to say as long as I complete my short run tomorrow, I will have followed it every day. It’s crazy to see that my first week I’m only running 8 miles, but by June, I’m up to about 25 per week.

With getting serious about the training plan, I feel like I also need to get serious about other things, such as food, getting enough sleep, and de-stressing. And because of that, I think it’s time to say good-bye to the wine. Now, you wouldn’t know if from my facebook account, but I actually don’t drink that much. But, it’s probably more than I should, I know it’s taking the place of the water I should be drinking on certain nights. Now, I’m not saying I’m completely giving it up. There is nothing stopping me from having a glass out with friends after work, or toasting at a wedding, but I think it’s just time to take a break from it, especially at home, and see where this leads me.

Honestly, if I’m going to do this running thing, I want to really do it and I want to do it right. I love it and it has changed me in more ways than most people know.

I can already see so many changes since picking running back up last month. I can go for miles (yes plural) without having to stop. I’m not as out of breath. I’m not as sore afterwards. 2 miles no longer seems like an eternity (though that first mile is always the hardest), in fact, to me it feels super short. Even tonight when I attempted to take the kids out with me on a 2 mile run, they got tired before I did. I used to simply get tired watching them play. And that was really the most amazing thing.

I’ve also seen changes in my mood. I’m happier, less stressed, and have a more positive outlook. Sure, I still vent and get upset, but not to the degree I used to.

So, a toast to how much I’ve put behind me and all the things I have to look forward to in the future. A toast to say goodbye to a stress reliever I don’t need as much any more.

A final toast with a fancy bottle for a most important occasion.

What Goes Up…

February 3, 2014 / Cassie / 2 Comments

“We may encounter defeats, but we must not be defeated.” ~Maya Angelou

I guess I should start with the good.

I finally hit my 100 Mile Challenge miles. On Martin Luther King Day. I can’t believe I finally did it. So what do I do to celebrate? Made another challenge. Now instead of running and walking 100 miles, I plan on running 100 miles by the end of April. If I stick with the new training plan I’ve come up with, and it stops freaking snowing, it shouldn’t be a problem.

Also, I finally it my 5o pound mark. I have officially lost 50 pounds as of January 25 (the eve of my 33rd birthday). I can’t believe it. It has done nothing but motivate me to lose another 50.

Plus, I ordered new running clothes from Old Navy in my normal sizes. Which I now have to return because they are too damn big.

And yet…

I have to admit, it doesn’t take a lot to make me feel defeated. More likely than not, it’s because I’m not used to failing. I usually don’t try things that I know I might fail and because I have such a deep seated fear of failure, I usually accomplish everything I set out to, no matter the cost. But on Wednesday, I went out for my run. It was supposed to be 2 miles, but after a mile I decided to call it quits. It was cold (as in literally 3 degrees), I was tired, I did over 3 miles on the elliptical at the gym the night before, and really, the list could go on and on. I probably could have kept going for that two miles, but I didn’t want to, so I didn’t. And for the rest of the evening, I was in a funk, mad at myself that I didn’t finish what I was supposed to.

And you know what? I haven’t been running since the night I quit early. This is what I always do. I do what I want to do, and don’t do things I don’t want to do. Plain and simple. It’s pretty selfish, if you think about it. I have trouble pushing myself past the comfortable. I have trouble pushing myself, period. I don’t like pain, I don’t like to feel uncomfortable so I do everything in my power to avoid it, whether that be in my workouts, at my job, or in my personal life. And because I don’t like to be uncomfortable and because I don’t like to fail, I don’t take risks. And I need to start.

So what does a girl who needs motivation and needs to take a big risk in order to push herself do? She signs up for a half-marathon.

Oh yes, you read that right. I signed up for the Baltimore Half-Marathon. 13.1 miles. At one time. In front of other people. With real runners who don’t “trot”. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to run the whole thing. I can’t even guarantee that I’ll finish.

And I’m sure people will laugh when I tell them. But I like a good challenge. And I’ve come this far.

Plus, you should see how motivated I am when people say I can’t do something…

So here’s a toast to new life choices, to challenges, to proving others wrong, and to simply proving to myself that I can do this.

Grace Before Perfection

Mom. Teacher. Wanna-be most things. Lover of almost everything except talking on the phone. Oh, and I read a lot of books. Like an unhealthy amount.

running