Month: June 2026

Check Mate

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

It’s been months since I’ve picked up a chess piece. Which is funny considering there used to be a time in which a day couldn’t go by without me playing a game. For years, in person, online with friends, against computers, I was always playing. Was I any good? No. Not at all. These days my travel chess set (because of course I have multiple sets) sits on my bay window in my dining room, completely set up and ready for me to make a move. To the outside observer it would just look like the game is waiting patiently for me to begin again. But I know differently. I know it is taunting me. It knows I’m too chicken to play. It knows I’m too scared to lose…because that seems to be what my life is about lately; always on the losing side and never, ever, winning.

It’s amazing the difference a year makes. It’s amazing the difference a small change in situation can make. There’s that old saying that goes “Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” And for the most part, I really do believe that. But I also feel that I have not really found any of my lifetime people yet. Besides family, books have been my only constant for so many years. I used to think it was me who wasn’t making the effort to keep people in my life. Like chess, maybe I was giving up too easily when things were getting too hard. The whole mentality of push people away before they push you. Or in the realm of chess, give up while you aren’t really good, but haven’t completely failed.

But, as always, I digress.

I miss chess. I miss my chess buddy. I miss using my brain in a way that feels normal, like I am at home. I need to remind myself that it’s ok that I took a break. I was sad. I felt defeated. I just didn’t see the point. Sometimes it was so hard for me to separate chess from spending time with the people I played with that I didn’t really know what I was enjoying. Did I really like playing the game or did I simply like the company I was playing with.

While I honestly feel like it was a little bit of both, there’s only one way to find out.

Pawn to e4.

13 Years.

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

I struggle a little bit, every year, on what to write on this day. I try my hardest to focus on the positive, sugar coating certain feelings with flowery sentiments and words. I tend to over-deliver, painting pictures that are grandiose, though blurry. Just enough static around the edges to make the harsh things easily digestible.

There are four of us, and in true family form, we each had a different child hood, because while we all had the same father, we all actually had a different dad.

While I can remember things so clearly, things are also changing in my brain. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m getting older. Maybe it’s the almost dying. But no matter what I had growing up, it’s what I had. We cannot take it back. We cannot do it over. We can only grow, and learn, and love everyone closer to us a little bit more, righting the mistakes we feel others have made. Being a little better than those who came before us.

And that is truly the biggest thing I learned from my dad. I hope that for the past 13 years you’ve been able to rest in peace, because in the end, that’s all we can hope for.

Years, upon years, upon years.

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

To my dearest, lovely 5th graders on your graduation day,

I never thought there would be a chance that I wouldn’t be there to see you graduate, yet here we are.

Sometime a class burrows their way into your heart so much that you can’t remember what it felt like without them. For me that class was you.

From teaching you science in kindergarten and first grades to math in 3rd and 5th grades (and all the visits in between) I am so proud of all you have accomplished in the time I have known you.

Chess in the mornings. Chisme at the small group table. Banning TikTok words. Rapid games of “Around the World”. Drop Everything (out lol) And Read. And so many other experiences that have absolutely become core memories for me.

I wish you all the best of luck. There is no doubt in my mind that you will all succeed in whatever you put your mind to.

And even if there’s nothing else you may know, please know I was always so proud to be your teacher.

What’s in a Name?

/ Cassie / Leave a comment

I was named after a character in a book by my father. I couldn’t tell you the name of the book, but the character was Cassie, not Cassandra, which is why I am Cassie, not Cassandra.

I used to conspire when I was little that I was going to change my name to Cassandra the minute I turned 18. Because no one. No one. Has a nickname as a name. I would still be Cassie, but when people asked me what my “real name” was, I could say Cassandra with a flourish.

Flash forward to today where 2 of my children were named after book characters and all three were given names that could be shortened to a nick name. Because in my mind everyone should be able to live two lives: the resume name and the nick name. And I wish I would have been given the chance.

I never wanted to change my last name. I knew going into my marriage (both my first and second) that I was going to remain a Stegman. It’s how I was born and it’s how I would die. And I also never changed my first name. It wouldn’t be so hard, you know. I used to think it’s just because I was too lazy to take all the steps. But maybe it was more than that. Maybe I just wanted to stay who I was born: Cassie Stegman. The girl with the nickname. The girl named after a book character. The girl who was both the oldest and the middle child. The girl who was both the only girl and the second daughter. The one who was strong but also weak. My father’s daughter.

It’s been almost 13 years since you left. And I still don’t know who I am or what I’m supposed to do with this one life I was given. But maybe this is the year I figure it out. At least I know I’m still Cassie Stegman, the girl you named.