Author: Cassie

How am I going to be an optomist about this?

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“That inner voice has both gentleness and clarity.  So to get to authenticity, you really keep going down to the bone, to the honesty, and the inevitability of something.” ~Meredith Monk
 
I almost started this blog post with “Let me preface this with” but I feel like I’m always starting each post with that.  As if I need to have a preemptive explanation for each of my actions.  When, in actuality, what you see is what you get and that should be good enough for anyone.
 
In the spirit of staying consistent though, let me preface this post by saying that I’m pretty drunk.  And I don’t mean glass of wine drunk, I mean bottle of wine drunk.  So, really, I should probably reread this in the morning because in all actuality I have no idea what I am actually writing. I have so many thoughts running my through my head that I don’t even know what I am thinking right now.  This is so different from my usual “wine-drunk” self where I get giddy-excited and then sleepy.    Right now I am a jumble of emotions and feelings, and frankly, they are somewhat clarifying. 
 
I hate to do things in lists an bullet points, but I think, at this stage of the game, that’s what I need to do.
 
  • I’ve done many things in the past few months that I regret.  Things I shouldn’t have done, things I shouldn’t have dabbled in.  While they have made me not like certain aspects of myself, they have also brought me to where I need to be at this point, so my regrets really do have a positive outcome.  I just need to stop thinking of these things as regrets and start thinking of them as stops along the way to fulfillment.
  • Because of so many choices I have made over the past couple months, I feel like my family has been neglected.  I realize, I’ve made the choice to neglect them, but it doesn’t stop the hurt I feel about making them second in my life.  I need to do better.  There is nothing else that I need to say.  I simply need to be a better family member.
  • Jealousy, especially the jealousy I have felt over the past few months, has eaten me alive at times.  I have never really been a jealous person and I don’t know why it has been affecting me the way it does.  Is my ego bruised?  Am I feeling used?  even more so, am I just feeling unimportant?  I’m sure it is a combination of all of these factors, but I really hate feeling jealous of others.  That whole feeling of thinking that if I were simply someone else my life would be better is bullshit.  It doesn’t suit me well.
  • I’ve been feeling kind of stupid (for lack of a better word) lately because I wasted SO MUCH TIME on people who rarely made the time for me.  Why the hell did I do that?  I have no idea, but really, I can’t believe my self-esteem would be so low as to need to validate my worth through others.  Yet, that’s exactly what I did.  I spent so much time making mountains out of mole hills.  Making myself believe I was more important to people than I actually was, that I started to believe I was only as important as special as THEY made me out to be.  How sad.
  • It’s definitely time for a new job.  I love working in education.  I love working for the betterment of the families of East Baltimore (at least the ones that WANT to move forward) but I don’t know if the classroom is the place for me to be.  I feel like I need to work for a non-profit, or start a non-profit, or something!  But there has go to be something more than this.  This can not be where my career ends up.  I simply won’t let it.

I guess, except for the fact that I simply hate myself for not running this week, that’s it. 

There are no words left, I feel like I’ve said them all.  And I guess that’s better than them eating me up inside.

I guess.

Now is the time…

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“Now is the time for guts and guile.” ~Elizabeth Taylor

I feel like I should preface this post with saying I haven’t given up.  I realize that I need to say that to myself more than I need to say it to anyone else, but really, I promise, I haven’t given up.  I completed my third 5k on Sunday.  Did I run the whole thing?  Nope.  Did I run a majority of it? Nope.  Did I run some of it?  Yep. And on that day, that was good enough for me.

Have I been running since Sunday?  Nope.  Have I been active at all since Sunday?  Nope.  Have I been eating the best I could over the past couple weeks?  Nope.  I could be doing better.  I should be doing better.  I know how to be doing better.  And yet I’m not.  I’m fucking not.  And I have no excuses whatsoever.  I’m just not.

I could blame this on the excruciating pain that my plantar fasciitis has been causing me.  But really, that’s bull.  Yes, my foot is killing me and at time it just hurts to stand, but what am I doing to make it better?  Am I doing the stretches I should be doing?  No.  Am I doing anything to help or prevent the pain at all besides taking some tylenol?  No.

I could blame the fact that it’s because I’m trying to spend more time with my family, but that’s bull too.  I am trying to spend more time with them, but I need to realize it’s quality over quantity and if I’m not all there and my mind is someplace else anyway, what’s the point.

I could blame it on the fact that I’ve been a little depressed lately.  New birth control plus a return of insomnia does not a happy person make.

And you’d think identifying the problem would be enough to get my butt into action.  But nope.  Not me.  Instead I complain.  And yell.  And act sullen.  You know, the mature 33 year old thing to do.  I’ve done such a good job my whole life putting all the blame on other people that I’ve seemingly let myself off the hook.

But not anymore.  It is time to take charge.  I ordered some anti-steroid cream and a night brace.  I will do my stretches twice a day and ice my foot twice a day.  I will make time, quality time, to spend with my family, while also leaving time for me.  I will stop making excuses. Bad decisions are exactly that…decisions.  I have no one to blame for all of the ones I have made, except myself.  I can continue to dwell on them or I reflect, learn, move on and hope I don’t make the same ones again.

I will stop complaining.  I will get back on track.  I will get through this.  I have come too far to give up now.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 33.8
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 8.2 pounds

Playing it safe…

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“Waiting is painful.  Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” ~Paulo Coelho

It’s funny.  I feel like I should write, but I’m not quite sure what to write about.  Sometimes I don’t even know that I’m thinking certain thoughts until they spill out onto the page as I type.  I finished my third 5K today and, to me, that is a pretty big accomplishment.  But still, I don’t know if that is what I want to write about.  I’m at a point where I don’t know if the problem is that I have nothing in my head or everything.

What I do know is that I’m tired of waiting.  But even then, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for.  A sign?  Something that tells me what direction I take at the fork in the road.  I’m always looking for something to tell me which direction to choose or which path to take: a certain time on a clock, finding a heads up penny, even my horoscope at times (ironically enough, my horoscope today tells me that if I have a particular issue on my mind, I shouldn’t wait for a better moment to get it out into the open). I feel like I am always at a “fork in the road”.  Each decision has it’s own set of benefits and consequences and really, you can’t know what they are until you make the decision.  So I spend time debating and agonizing and worrying so much that I create more problems and situations than there actually are.

I think one of my problems is that I don’t take enough risks and tend to not put myself “out there” as much as I could or should.  I tend to play it safe, thinking that if I don’t make a choice or a move either a. someone will make it for me, or b. nothing happens and I am no worse off than I was before.  Plus, what happens if I do put myself out there and it turns out to be the wrong decision or a mistake?  Or even worse, I am somehow rejected?  Sometimes I feel like my fragile ego just won’t be able to handle it.

I tend to write all these posts about how I need to jump in, make grand gestures, simply make choices and decisions, and yet that’s all they are…words on a page.  I don’t actually DO any of that.  I write about doing it, but never take action.  It all sounds so amazing and profound when I write it down and for a while I actually contemplate taking action, real action, within my life.  And then I get scared. And the worst part?  The really worst part?  Is that I am a giant hypocrite.  I tend to judge people for not following through when they complain about the direction of their life and yet I do the same thing.

At what point will I allow myself to make the first phone call, take the first step, or tell someone what I really want instead of going along with someone else’s plans?  At what point will I allow myself to walk away from situations instead of clinging to a hope that maybe, one day, it will get better?  At what point will I just DO SOMETHING instead of standing still?

At what point will I allow myself to jump, knowing that it’s just as likely that I land on my feet unscathed as it is I break my legs?

42 Days.

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“I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it. That explains the trouble that I’m always in” ~ Alice in Wonderland

42 days.  In the same breath it feels like tomorrow and far away all at once.  In 42 days I am running the Color Run in Baltimore and my goal is to run the whole thing.  But in order to do that, I need to get serious.  And lately, it doesn’t feel like I have been at all, at least not about running and exercise, or even my life in general.

I guess, in a way, you can say that I’ve been back sliding.  The worst part is, I saw it coming and honestly did nothing to stop it.  I KNOW what I am supposed to do in certain situations, yet I tend to make the complete opposite choice.  I could have kept going, could have pushed through and gone running even on the days when I was tired, but I was preoccupied with other things.  Things that were, frankly, not as important. I wish I knew why I did it.  But I don’t, and I have to stop thinking that if I concentrate hard enough I can change the past.

It’s hard sometimes, to find that motivation that we seek to keep going.  I look on Pinterest for a quote to get me going, or seek advice from  friend.  But sometimes it just doesn’t work. What I really need, sometimes, is someone to just tell me to stop looking behind, only look forward, and get off my ass and go.  Sure I’ll be tired, sure it will hurt, but the way I’ll feel when I accomplish what I want will erase all of that immediately.  For the past two weeks I haven’t run a lot because my foot hurts.  But what happened to the weeks I was doing it before?  I’m sure my foot hurt then as well, but why am I letting myself use it as an excuse now?  I mean, really, if I look deep down inside, I know why.  But frankly, I just don’t want to face it.

I’ve come so far, since January, since summer, that I don’t want to wind up back there again.  And yet, I’m letting myself gradually slink and slide back that way?  And for what?  Why is this so hard?  I guess, if it were easy, everyone would be doing it.

I wish I didn’t need to look outside of myself so often for some form of validation, but even at the ripe old age of 32, I still do.  Hell, half the time I still feel like a teenager, worrying that everyone is starting at me, or talking about me, etc.  I know even my friends judge, because I know I’m guilty of it too, which makes it so hard to just be ME sometimes. I think the saddest thing is that I know who I am , I really do, but I have yet to feel like I can be truly MYSELF around anyone.

This morning, I had this moment (more like 2 hours) of just pure bliss.  As I was heading downtown with the sun shining, music blaring, windows down, I just felt sublimely happy; the way I was feeling a few weeks ago.  I was heading to pick up my race packet for a 5K a friend and I are doing tomorrow and just thinking about doing the race made me happy.  I don’t know what it is about running that is making me so euphoric, especially when I am basically just walking really fast (yup, I’m that slow), but why do I let myself get away from that feeling?  Why do I let myself stop?  Why I am looking for a quick burst of happiness from some other arena instead of concentrating on this?

This goes back to my previous post too, about the not half-assing my life anymore.  I’ve looked up how to train, I’ve looked up what I need to do to help (not cure) my plantar fasciitis, but yet I don’t do it.  Deep down, no matter what I do, I feel like I am still that lazy girl who wants to just sit in the comfy chair and daydream about things that will never be, plan – but not do, and basically take the easy way out.  And the sad thing is that I am letting myself and letting the people around me let me do it!

I don’t want to be that girl anymore.  I don’t want to be that girl from last winter who could barely climb a flight of stairs without feeling like I was going to die.  I don’t want to be that girl from the spring that put work before herself and her family.  I don’t want to be that girl from the summer who basically couldn’t think for herself and do what she knew needed to be done.

I know what I want to be.  I just feel like I have no way to get there.

Short ramblings on no topic at all

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“But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all?  And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?” ~ Pompeii

I decided to get out of the house and get some work done today.  At home I have the best of intentions of doing things while the boys are napping…but they never get done.  I decide to read or watch TV…or do anything else other than work.  I knew if I actually wanted to accomplish something before the week started, leaving was the only way to do that.

As I sat at the Barnes and Noble I thought back to the last time I was here trying to get a little clarity.  It was the beginning of August and basically the eye of the storm for my summer.  It’s amazing to me how much has changed in under 2 months.  How much I broke apart and how much I have been put back together.  The same things that feel like they just happened yesterday also feel like they happened a year ago.  It’s almost unfathomable, sometimes, how much can change over the course of a month, a week, even a day.  That basically one minute of time can alter the rest of your course.  How one moment or word can put you on a completely different path.

I’m learning how to accept these monumental changes and try and move along with them gracefully.  I tend to take comfort in the known.  I re-watch the same movies and TV shows and read the same books, not only because I like them but also because I enjoy the predictability of knowing what is going to happen, and with that, knowing the feelings I am going to have ahead of time.  That’s not to say I don’t like change…I do…as long as I am the one who gets to initiate and/or control it.

I wonder how many different things I have been missing out on simply because I don’t close my eyes and jump into the unknown?  Of course, my fear is that it could turn out to be the worst decision of my life.

But…it could also turn out very, very good.

So Jump

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“If she’s amazing she won’t be easy.  If she’s easy she won’t be amazing.  If she’s worth it you won’t give up.  If you give up you’re not worthy.  Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you’ve just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ~Bob Marley

To say that this week has been crazy would be an understatement.   I haven’t been running since Tuesday.  My foot is killing me and I am trying to rest it as much as possible and try it out again Monday morning and see how it feels.  But, you know what?  I think this is one of the best things to happen to me.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually like being injured or the shooting pains in my foot.  But I knew that running was giving me some sort of endorphin-filled high.  Which made me want to run…a lot.  I probably have even been running too much, hence the pain in my foot.  I was worried that if I stopped running that my happiness would begin to disappear and that running was the only thing making me happy.

But it wasn’t.  I’m still happy even though I haven’t run or even worked out in the last three days.  My good mood seems here to stay, at least for a little while.  I’m starting to learn things little by little and that seems to be helping me change my outlook and perspective and keep me happier.

I’m learning that it’s OK to take a break if I need it.  I’m at the place where I know that a small break does not mean I have quit or give up.

I’m learning that it’s OK to stress about things…as long as you don’t let the stress over take you.  I’m letting myself feel the full weight of a situation for five minutes, handling it, and then moving on.  Worrying doesn’t help anything or change the situation, so why bother.

I’m learning that I know what’s best for me.  I love that I have a support system of friends and family who are there for me and want to help.  And I listen to their advice because they love me and want me to be the best person I can. But in the end, my decisions are my decisions and while they may not understand why I’m making one, they don’t have to.

I’m learning that friends may be people who tell you the truth, even when you don’t want to hear it, but they also will never intentionally try to pull you down. They won’t base their happiness and worth on your down fall.  Don’t ever let anyone dull your sparkle and all that…

I’m learning that not all bad decisions are “bad decisions”.  Decisions are choices, plain and simple, and what defines them as bad is how you see the outcome.  As long as you can live with the consequence of the decision you are making, and as long as it doesn’t intentionally hurt anyone, is it really a bad decision?

I’m learning it’s OK to be a little weird.  And to accept my weirdness and revel in it.  That one thing you think is weird, might be the one thing someone else falls in love with.

I’m learning that it’s OK to feel any emotion I am feeling.  Hurt, happiness, betrayal, love, sadness, longing, anger, giddy…there is a reason for each and every one of them.

I’m also learning that while it’s OK to feel any emotion you want, you need to be careful who you are sharing them with.  Don’t share them with people who will be reckless with them or judge.  While it’s OK to feel every emotion, not everything needs to be shared.

I’m learning that it’s OK to keep things to myself.  To keep me to myself.  Self-preservation is sometimes all we have.

And finally, I’m learning that sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith.

So jump.

It’s time to stop half-assing my life

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“The difference between try and triumph is a little umph.”  ~Author Unknown

One word: accomplished.  That’s how I have been feeling lately.  I can’t believe that in three weeks I have actually met a quarter of my 100 mile challenge goal.   25 miles may not be a lot for some (hell, marathoners do more than that in just one day), but to me it is a big deal.  There has been an overwhelming response to my 100 mile challenge.  It’s exciting and flattering to know that I am helping motivate people to become healthier and hopefully happier.

But, the kicker is (I hope you’re sitting down), that I am a giant fraud.  Allow me to explain.  Yes, I have made the choice to be a happier person.  Yes, I have begun running and clocking my miles as a way to keep me motivated.  Yes, I’m trying to eat better and live a healthier lifestyle.  But really…

I feel like I am the queen of the half-assedness.  I make all the plans and have all these ideas and never really follow through on anything.  I can’t really think of one aspect of my life where I am giving 100% right now and that thought saddens me. The worst part is that while I’m not giving my 100%, I’m expecting 100% from everyone and everything else. I’m doing the running thing, but am I really challenging myself enough?  Am I trying to improve and actually become a “runner” or am I trying simply to just get it done in the quickest time possible?  I’m eating healthier, when it’s convenient.  When I’m too tired to cook or clean, take out it is.  I care about the environment and try to recycle when I can, unless it’s too much work.  Even within my friendships I am not giving my full amount of effort that I could give, yet am demanding that people give me 100%.

I really need to put more effort into things and give 100% in my job, in my home life, in my relationships, and to myself.

Because really, if you’re only going to do something half way you might as well save the energy and not do it at all.

Fear and (self) loathing

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“Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is because you’re stupid and make bad choices.”

I tend to be over analytical in most aspects of my life.  I weigh pros and cons before making decisions.  Each choice I engage in tends to be calculated and the safest, most restrained, choice usually wins out.  It’s all very responsible.

Until it’s not.  Because, let’s face it.  There are always those choices that we make that seem to express the sentiment “What the Fuck?”  I mean, I know at least for me, I can physically see myself making the wrong choice and I do absolutely nothing to stop it.  I somehow assume that THIS TIME things will be different.  THIS TIME it will work out for the better rather than for the worst.

And you know what?  It never does.  I make this decision that I KNOW is the wrong one.  I KNOW nothing good will come of it.  And I do it anyway.  And then do you know what happens?  I go into a fit of depressive self loathing.

Why the hell is it that I can get my butt up almost every morning at 4:45 am to run before teaching elementary school children in East Baltimore but can’t stop myself eating that one food, drinking that one drink, sending that one text, saying that one thought?  Does it all come down to willpower? Or is it something else?

I really have improved in so many areas over the course of just the few weeks I have been running.  I am happier.  I have more confidence, I am working towards fixing things that need to be fixed.  I love the way my life is going…and yet…I still can’t stop myself from doing certain things I know will hurt me in the long run (FYI: I am not a drug addict, secret cutter, alcoholic, or anything else lifetime made a movie about).  What am I missing?  What else can I do?  I need to make better choices, even if I don’t want to at the time.

End teenage-girl-though-I’m-really-32 rant.

It could have been worse. It could always be worse.

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“There’s nothing wrong or evil about having a bad day.  There’s everything wrong with making others have it with you.” ~Neil Cavuto

Today was not a good day.  It wasn’t a bad day either, really, just not a good day.  It all began at 1:30 am with a kid in my bed. After a few restless hours of sleep, my alarm went off at 4:45 telling me to get my butt out of bed and go running.  I was all for staying in bed for another hour, but I got up, got dressed and headed out the door.  I don’t know if it was the fact that it was actually cold in the morning, or the aching feeling in my left foot, or the fact that I was dead tired, but I just wasn’t feeling it.  After a mile, I decided to go home, do some stretching, and simply relax before work.

I thought maybe my mood would elevate at work, but no such luck.  We are starting a new reading curriculum so I have no idea what I am doing and I hate feeling disorganized and unprepared.  The kids were so off the wall that I actually looked up when the next full moon was because I was so convinced that there had to be a celestial reason for them being so crazy.

Basically, I was tired and cranky for the majority of the day.  I did perk up a little at aqua jog, but even when I returned home, I simply wasn’t feeling it…whatever “it” is.  I started to get slumpy and grumpy and really just sad.  Things have been going so well lately and I have been feeling great.  I didn’t want to lose this wonderful feeling.  I started to stress about the possibility of heading back down hill which made me feel even sadder.

And then I remembered that it’s ok to have a bad day.  It’s ok to feel like this once in a while.  And no matter what I do, it’s going to happen.  It’s how I handle my mood that is going to determine the day I have tomorrow.  Am I going to give in, and simply feel like I’m destined to be sad and depressed or am I going to leave today at today and wake up with a renewed determination tomorrow?

Either way, it’s a choice.  And I know which one I’ll choose.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 19
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 6 pounds

(Un)Broken

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“Until you’re broken, you don’t know what you’re made of.  It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever.” ~Unknown

I saw the above quote on Pinterest the other day and it really spoke to me.  I’ve been pinning a lot of motivational quotes lately in order to help keep me on my path, but this is the best one I have seen.  I know I’ve mentioned or at least allude to the fact that I’ve had issues in the past with depression.  At the end of the last school year another wave of it him me, culminating when my dad died.  I tried to hold it together in a variety of ways, but due to other circumstances as well, by August I was quite literally broken.  There was no up or down, whole or half, only pieces that I was quite sure I would never be able to put back together.

But guess what?  I did.  I accomplished something I didn’t think was possible.  It started slowly, when the only differences I could see were mere subtleties changing in my daily life; crying less, sleeping more, smiling occasionally. And now, while not completely whole, I am far more together than before I broke completely.  I am happier, have more energy, and don’t let the small things upset me as much anymore.  I still have work to do and a long road ahead of me (don’t we all), but I’m not afraid of the challenge of living anymore.  As a matter of fact, it’s just the opposite.  I’m excited for anything that may be coming down the road.  And while I still get sad and weepy occasionally (don’t we all) I no longer feel that I’m fighting a losing battle.

And then the running happened.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not really running, I’m simply trodding along at an obscenely slow pace until I feel like I am going to die.  Then I stop for a few minutes until I think I can go again.  The whole process repeats until it’s it’s time to get ready for work.  And for some reason, it’s working for me. And on Wednesday I accomplished my first real running goal.  For the first time ever in my entire life, I ran a whole mile.  I couldn’t believe it (I still can’t).  I know to many people it’s not a lot, but to me it is huge.  It’s something I thought was impossible until it wasn’t anymore.

I took two days off and then decided to try the track today to take advantage of the gorgeous weather we are having in Baltimore.  I wound up walking for most of the time.  I tried running, but it just wasn’t coming today.  I had too many things on my mind, my stride was off, my foot was killing me (I have plantar fasciitis), and I just felt not all there.  But, instead of just quitting and saying I’ll try again tomorrow I trudged through and wound up completing 2.6 miles.

Honestly, the distance isn’t the big deal for me.  It’s the fact that I didn’t let myself quit.  I tend to quit (or try to quit) so many things in my life when the going gets tough or things don’t go my way.  I never really fight for anything and, as I’m learning, there are always things worth fighting for. You may not be able to fight for anything in the past, but you can fight for the future.

So now, instead of quitting, I am fighting for something.  I am fighting for me.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 16
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 4.2 pounds