Author: Cassie

Where did it come from? And please don’t let it go away.

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“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.  Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” ~Helen Keller

I can’t figure out what is different about this time.  Am I more motivated? Am I tired of failing? Do I feel like I have something to prove?  Did the status quo get too much to handle?

Point is, I’m uber-motivated lately…and I love it.  I not only feel the need to get shit done, I am actually doing it.  Whether it is home, school, or exercise, things seem to be moving along in a generally positive direction.  I don’t know if the running is helping my mood, or if my mood is helping my running.  Frankly, I don’t care.  What matters is that I am doing it.  Normally, at this point, I would start becoming skeptical of the situation and be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but not this time.  I know that I need to keep on going positively and I am determined to do it.

Even with my running, I am feeling like this is something that I can keep doing.  I know it’s only been a week and half but I don’t see an end in sight.  Normally by now I would have given up, or gotten tired, or simply felt defeated.  But not this time.  I know that tomorrow when I get up to run I will probably be slower than a turtle in peanut butter, but I will be doing it anyway.  Even today, when I wasn’t running because I had deep water jog, I was missing it and was itching to go.  I know I have to pace myself and build up endurance, but it’s becoming something I want to do and maybe even *gasp* enjoy (especially when I go at 5 am and no one is around to hear me sing when I run).

And, quite honestly, I need this.  Things were not going well, in so many areas of my life, and I knew that if I didn’t take action soon, something dire would have happened. I was beyond depressed; a feeling I hadn’t felt in so many years.  I couldn’t see the light and felt like I was simply holding on by a thread.

I am not ashamed to admit that running is saving my life in more ways than one.  And I will continue to run for as long as it’s helping…and then after that.

100 Mile Challenge Miles: 12.4
Pounds lost since starting 100 Miles Challenge: 4.2 pounds

Just the beginning

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“‘Cause I need freedom now, And I need to know how, To live my life as it’s meant to be” ~Mumford and Sons

You know, I don’t know how to start this post, mainly because I’m not even sure what I want to say.  This morning had me getting up a 5:30 am on a Sunday in order to complete the Color Me Rad 5K in Baltimore.  This time, I wound up walking it with a few friends.  It was a lot of fun and even though we walked we still finished in under an hour.

I remember the feeling I had when I completed my first 5K back in May.  I couldn’t believe what I had accomplished and was so proud of my self for simply finishing.  I literally cried because it was something I never thought I would be able to do. Then summer happened, and issues happened, and I slacked off and gave up.

But not this time.  I won’t let myself give up.  I will continue.  I hope that I will be able to complete some sort of “race” once a month.

And my goal, my big goal, is to be able to run the entire Color Run in Baltimore on November 17th.  And I’m sure when that happens I will cry again.

Tomorrow the alarm will ring at 5 am and I will be get up and try my best to run for any distance, at any speed.  I will be sore and tired, but it will be worth it.

100 Mile Challenge: 10.4 miles

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The 100 Mile Challenge

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“Believe in yourself!  Have faith in your abilities!  Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

I decided that I would go again tonight, even though I knew it would be painful and tiring and slow.I didn’t make it for too long.  It was right before dinner and it was about 95 degrees…in the sun…and I was wearing black (what was I thinking?). The point is that I was sore, but I did it anyway.  The point is that I was tired, but I did it anyway.  The point is that I didn’t want to, but I did it anyway.  I did something.

I always heard that adage that exercise is supposed to make you happy.  While I do love my gym time (no kids, no husband, no one’s judgement) I never really got that “happy feeling” after a workout.  Better mood, yes, but happy?  No.

Until today…

After running my very slow run I came home and stretched for a full 20 minutes.  Then had dinner.  During dinner, I felt it.  Those endorphins that everyone is always talking about when it comes to exercise…and I loved it.

It made me realize there is more to this idea of running than losing weight, looking better, and building muscle.  My mental health can improve through all this too, and honestly, after what I’ve been through the past 6 months, this is the most important factor to keep me going.

In typical me fashion, though, I almost feel like I can’t do this without some sort of motivator…some sort of challenge.  So I am creating one for myself.  I tend to do this running “thing” for a few weeks before I become bored or frustrated or both.  I begin to feel like I’m not getting anywhere or am never going to be able to “really run” so I decide to move on to something else.  Not this time.  I’m going to stick with it until it kills me…because chances are it will do the exact opposite.

Without further ado…the challenge.  I’ve decided that between now and Christmas I will run/walk 100 miles.  That’s 17 weeks.  That’s approximately 5-6 miles per week, which is completely doable, and maybe even a little too easy.  The thing is, I know that life happens, illness happens, kids happen, weather happens.  And if set my goals to high, I may never achieve them.  IF it comes to the point that I will definitely meet my goals, I can always add more.  Here are the rules for my challenge.

  1. All miles must be intentional.  While I prefer that they all be running, I’m not naive and I know it will be awhile until I get there.  While walking is also fine, all miles must be accumulated when exercise is intentional.  I can’t just turn a pedometer when walking around the mall and have it count.  It has to be when I am actively seeking out exercise.
  2. All miles must take place on the road (track, trail) or treadmill.  No elliptical or pool miles allowed.
  3. No more than 35 miles may take place on a treadmill.  I’ve found that treadmills are a lot easier than roads so I need to have a real challenge.
  4. Miles in conjunction with races (Color Run, Color Me Rad, etc.) will count towards the final number.  If I’m putting in the work, I should get the benefits.
  5. Except in the event of (real) injury, I may not quit.

I’m sure I’ll add more rules as they come up, but I feel like, for now, this should cover it.  I’m excited about this challenge as well as having a “real world” long term goal.  I’m even more excited about the long term benefits, not only to my body, but to my soul.

In general, I’m excited.  Are you?

Miles to date: 3

A World of Difference…

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“Few things in the world are more powerful than a positive push.  A smile.  A world of optimism and hope.  A ‘you can do it’ when things are tough.” ~Richard M. DeVos

Today started out the same as any other.  The kids woke up when the first light touched the sky and immediately climbed into bed with us at the ungodly hour of 6:33 am.  We had breakfast and coffee, spent the morning cleaning, did the grocery shopping, made lunches for the week, played outside…everything was typical.  I even had a little time to waste on the internet and write a short post.  It was a normal, typical, even boring day.

But, I felt off.  It felt as if something were missing.  I thought maybe it was the usual Sunday blues, or maybe waking up with a **slight** hangover, or maybe interactions that I had throughout the day.  I couldn’t put my finger on it.  I made banana chocolate chip muffins for breakfast tomorrow, cooked a very good dinner (grilled steak, homemade mashed potatoes, sauteed zucchini) even had a glass of wine.  Still, something felt off and unfinished.

Then, for no apparent reason, at 7:00 at night, I decided to go for a run.  It’s been two weeks since I’ve even been to the gym and throughout the summer I really had only gone a smattering of times.  But it didn’t matter.  At that moment I had to go running.  I put up my hair, threw on my shoes and headed out the door.

I got to the track, and my need began to wane slightly.  There were  A LOT of people at the track.  I didn’t want to run in front of “real” runners.  I literally almost got back in the car and drove home.  But I didn’t.  And that is huge.

I started walking and then before I knew it I decided to run, screw the other people around me who may be judging.

After 2 miles it was pretty dark and I needed to get home to see the boys before bed.  My time was fairly embarrassing, but really, I didn’t care.  I was motivated enough to get up, get out of my house and RUN.  Two miles is two miles more than nothing.  And had I decided not to go, or chickened out, where would I be?  Sitting at home, watching TV, playing on the internet and hating myself for not doing anything.

I may be slow, and uncoordinated, and look silly, but I don’t care.  I got up and did SOMETHING.  And that’s good enough for me.

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The Warm September of My Years

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“You may have a fresh start at any moment you choose, for this thing we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.” ~Mary Pickford

Oh, September, how I’ve missed you.  The other evening while I was driving around I smelled a fire which, in my mind, signifies that fall is finally approaching.  It reminded me that no matter how I’m feeling through all of the yesterdays that I won’t always feel like this.  Summer was a long and bumpy road this year and honestly, except for the fact that I’d love to not be working, I’m so happy that it’s over.  I’m ready to move on and move forward and put certain aspects of the past behind me, just as the summer moves into fall.

I look back on the list of things I wanted to accomplish and see that I actually did make progress during August…a month I didn’t think I would be able to accomplish anything. I made it to the gym (though not really in the last two weeks), I found schools for both Oliver and Max, I’ve spent a lot of quality time with both kids, I’ve read books both new and old, I’ve pretty much cut all soda out of my diet, and I worked hard to get my classroom set up and ready for the new school year.  It’s nice to see that I was able to accomplish some of the goals I set forth.

Now that September is here I feel a renewed sense of purpose.  I’m beginning to become excited for the changes that may come my way.  I feel like I’m ready for challenges again instead of slinking away from them.  I’m ready to build back up things that have remained broken for so long.

It’s time to get back to work and back to realizing that I am worth the trouble, time, and dedication.

I’m no longer afraid of failing.  I’m more afraid of not trying.

The first step is admitting you have a problem…

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“Selfish persons are incapable of loving other, but they are not capable of loving themselves either.” ~Erich Fromm

I’ve never considered myself s a selfish person.  Actually, to be honest, I tended to be more of a “woe is me” or “nothing good ever happens to me” type of person.  So many things have been happening recently that were really making me feel sorry for myself.  I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get what I wanted and everyone couldn’t cater to me just this once because I never seem to get what I want.  It took me a while (until today in fact) for me to realize that this really stems from the fact that I am selfish and want everything my way.  And, in reality, get mad and pissed off and downright spiteful when I don’t. I get it, I’m a slow learner.  But at the moment that this realization hit me, tears began streaming down my face.  I never wanted to be seen as selfish and looking back and analyzing my actions over the past few weeks/months, I couldn’t believe how terrible a person I was to people I truly care about.

Maybe I’ve been selfish my whole life.  I don’t know.  I think it stems mostly from not ever really being able to think about myself growing up because there was always someone else I needed to be taking care of.  Looking back though, especially recently, I have been selfish in past and current relationship and hurt people I really care just because I took my own feelings and desires into account before theirs.  I know that there is no consolation I can give that would make it better.  For that, I am truly sorry.

I haven’t been fair, and within that, I haven’t been kind.  In fact, I’ve been down right mean sometimes.  I couldn’t understand why people just couldn’t give me what I wanted and why we couldn’t just want the same thing.  I haven’t been generous, mostly with honesty and my emotions.  I’ve let people down because what I wanted and what they wanted were two separate things, or maybe, they were the same things but just unattainable at the time.

With my actions and my attitude lately, I’ve made it so easy for people to walk away, and then I sit there and blame them and hate them for doing just that.  It’s not fair that I expected everyone to be OK with doing what I wanted and what I needed and not expecting anyone to get hurt.  In fact, by trying to ensure that I didn’t get hurt, I hurt others which, in the end, wound up hurting me far more than I ever could have imagined.

I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t.  I wish I could go back in time; days, weeks, months, years down the road and change one minuscule detail so that everyone could be on a happier track…but I can’t.  The only things I can hope for is to learn from my mistakes and hope that I can avoid hurting anyone else to the best of my ability.

Of course, I’m talking about everyone, no one, and a select few all at the same time.  Chance are, though, I’m talking to you.  And I’m so sorry I wasn’t a better person…the person you deserve.

Too Many Posts…I know, but this one is important

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“A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.” ~Elbert Hubbard

I realize that I may be posting a bit too much, but I can’t help it.  Keeping busy seems to be working and the writing is helping me clear my head and get my jumbled thoughts in some sort of order.  Today was a pretty good day.  I was able to accomplish a lot and I seemed to have a lot of energy.  I am excited to start a new running routine this week, andndo a lot more healthy, whole food eating which I hope helps to keep my energy level up.  I finally feel like I’m ready to begin a new journey and move into a new phase of my life.

I realize, though, that none of this could have been possible without my friends.  I’ve never been a person who had a lot of friends.  I tend to have a few close friends rather than a lot of periphery ones.  It was a tough school year followed by a rough summer and honestly, sometimes I can’t believe I made it out alive.

I tend to push people away.  I always feel like they are going to leave me anyway (yes, I know, fear of abandonment and attachment at the same time), so it’s better if I do the leaving, or really give them a reason to leave.  I also seem to test people by pushing them away and seeing if they come back, and if they do, I know they will be around forever.  Believe me, this is not something that I am proud of.  I realize that it is not healthy and I really am working on it.  It’s hard to switch your thinking from negative to positive and I think sometimes I get daunted by how much effort I have to expend to do so.  Saying the positive things doesn’t take any effort at all, it’s believing it that is the hardest for me.

It’s been quite a humbling experience posting this blog on Facebook and Twitter.  The outpouring of love and support shown to me during this time has been nothing short of amazing and I thank all of you, those who comment or post, but even those who are just reading because that means they are on this journey with me as well.  It makes me realize that if I do fall off the tightrope I have a pretty impressive safety net.

There are certain people, a small handful of the most wonderful people in the world, that I just couldn’t live without (literally). Through it all, even at my most evil, my little group stuck by me.  They always seemed to know what I needed whether it be space, a hug, fun, quiet conversation, time, or even a little bit of insanity.  Details are unimportant and while questions may be asked, answers are never expected.  They know me better than anyone else, even better than myself sometimes, and for that I will always be truly grateful.

To Sara, Jane, Lindsay, and Doe…I love you all more than you know.  Thank you for being you.  I don’t know what I would do without you and I hope I never have to find out.

On a wave of mutilation…

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“Listen, smile, agree.  And then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway.” ~Robert Downey Jr.

Last night (or even yesterday in general) was the first day, in quite a while, that I didn’t spend a significant amount of time in tears.  I attribute a lot of this to my friend Sara, who saw what I needed, acted on it and wouldn’t take no for an answer.  It’s hard to find friends like that; the ones who show up without being asked, the ones who are there for everything (even the bad stuff), who have seen you at your worst and are still there in the morning, who tell you what you need to hear even if it isn’t what you want to hear.

After a much needed (and clarifying) night out, I woke up serene and without the familiar pit of despair in my stomach that has been there over the summer.  I was able to breathe.  I was actually ready to face the day.  Now, don’t interpret this as me thinking that all my problems and challenges have disappeared because of a glass of wine, a slice of cheesecake, and a night out with a friend.  I’m not that naive.  All of my issues are still there, but today is the first day in a long time I feel like I might actually be able to face them.

I spent my morning wandering around my empty house.  The kids were with the grandparents, the husband was at class and it was the first time I had truly been alone in a while.  I’m the type of person who likes to be alone, though not necessarily feel alone. As I walked around my completely unorganized and cluttered house, I was thinking about how much I had hoped to accomplish this summer, but never really got around to it for one reason or another.  As usual, I wished there was some way to turn back time, to do it all over and not make the same mistakes again.

Then I though, what a waste of time, sitting around wishing I had used my time more effectively or wishing I had more time.  How often do we all do that; sitting around spending so much time focusing on the past that we are actually forgetting to live right now?  Throughout my life I have spent so much time focusing on things that have happened: wishing I hadn’t spent so much time focusing on people who didn’t share my same feelings, wishing I had started something differently or ended something differently, wishing I hadn’t concentrated on one thing over another. I know I can’t be the only one.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that no matter how much time I have wasted, I still have time left.  And I realize how lucky I am that I can say that. So, instead of constantly dwelling on the things from the past that I would change if I could, it’s time to move forward and put that energy into what I want out of the present and the future.

I have no idea what that is right now, but at least I have a little time to figure it out.

Fall down seven times; get up eight

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“So I put my faith in something unknown, I’m living on such sweet nothing. But I’m tired of hope with nothing to hold, I’m living on such sweet nothing ~Calvin Harris

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. More specifically, the things that make us happy and how people come to feel this way. C.S. Lewis once said “Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” I saw the above quote this morning that really resonated with me. How often do we base our happiness on the actions of others, or moments in time?

Without going into detailed specifics, I’ve had a tough summer, and honestly, I have no one to blame for it but myself. It all started with my dad dying and slowly snowballing out of control from there, to the point that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. And really, I know it started even before that. I saw the warning signs did nothing to stop the avalanche. I was unhappy, moody, sullen and depressed. And when I wasn’t feeling those things, I wasn’t feeling anything at all.

I needed something. I was feeling antsy and itchy. I felt like something was missing that I couldn’t put my finger on. I felt like my skin was too tight and something within me was trying to break free. What it all comes down to was the need to feel alive, or rather the need to feel something other than what I was feeling. I felt like I had been going through the motions for so long thinking that maybe I was happy, when I realized that I was simply complacent. When my dad died, something inside of me changed. It wasn’t that I was devastated or heartbroken, because I wasn’t.

A first I felt relieved that all his suffering was over. And then I began to worry…about myself. My dad spent most of his life depressed and angry which caused him to alienate every single person in his life. Most days, he was downright mean. And I could really see myself heading down the same path and it scared me.

I needed to shake things up and feel something just to prove I was nothing like him. I needed to be reckless and downright irresponsible. And I was. I put my needs for “aliveness” ahead of the the needs of so many people around me. I felt conflicted but I also felt alive…knowing I should change the situation, but also unable to do it at the same time.

I now realize that a lot of it had to do with me looking outside of myself for some form of happiness and thought certain situations were going to make me happier. And they did…and they didn’t. I spent most of my summer in complete turmoil, wrestling with feelings I thought I had, with feelings I actually had, with feelings I was supposed to be having, all while trying to wear the mask of normalcy around my children and friends.

And then just as quickly and spontaneously as the “aliveness” started, it was over. I have let myself think and analyze for a week. Its almost as if I was grieving. I don’t know, though, what exactly I was grieving for. Was it for what I lost, or was is simply because I now knew I was going to go back to feeling nothing in my daily life?

I still haven’t figured it out, but what I do knows that it’s time to take a breath and move on and start figuring out how to be again. And maybe if I can figure out how to simply exist without all this sadness and anger, I can also figure out how to be happy.

I have to try, I have to try, I have to try. My life depends on it.

Third Time’s a Charm?

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“You build on failure.  You use it as a stepping stone.  Close the door on the past.  You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it.  You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.” ~Johnny Cash

I’m going to try this one more time.  I will be successful.  I have to be.

Here is a paragraph about a challenge a friend issued me all the way back in May.

Come up with 10 things I can actually accomplish in the next 31 days that will put me closer to goal of simply finding out what I want out of life.  The real challenge the real challenge come from the fact that these accomplishments need to be specific, and for all purposes, measurable.  No vagueness allowed, which has always been a crutch to avoid striving for accomplishments.

Needless to say, I was unsuccessful.  In the almost four months since this was posted, I accomplished 2 or three things on my list.  I tried it for May, I tried it for June.  I’m not even going to pretend that I tried for July (which I am now dubbing “The Lost Month”).  But now that I’m trying to make my life more “found” than “lost”, I figured it was time to try again.

After much soul-searching, here are the 10 accomplishments I came up with for August.

  1. Make it to the gym at least four times per week.  This is down from my usual six, but definitely higher than my embarrassing summer average.
  2. Find a school for Oliver, one that is based more on what works well for his personality, not based on how convenient or cheap it is.
  3. Spend more quality time with my children and really get to know them.  Each child gets one date day/night with just me per week.  I promise, this is for me, not them.
  4. Read two new books this month.
  5. Complete four other blog posts this month.
  6. By the end of the month, be soda free.
  7. Find a new hobby, that I can do without current friends/family (as in something completely for myself).
  8. Take one photo everyday to document a moment that makes me smile.  This will remind me that I was happy at least once a day this month.  
  9. Create a budget.  Sticking with it, will be more of a next month challenge, let’s be real.
  10. Eat at least one fruit and one vegetable per day.  I promise, this is a challenge.

Here’s to August 2013 being a month of accomplishments.